Song of the day (LH): Say you love me - Jessie Ware
Song of the day (VW): (I can't get no) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones
Woah a wobble day....plus it's the 20th of the month and we all know this is my less favoured day of the month. Still only 3 radio sessions to go! Boo to not being fully on board the positivity train...I need to perk myself up! I guess getting to the end of the treatment marathon, energy reserves are less in terms of feeling emotionally tip top all of the time.
Some lethargy had kicked in, potentially linked to the grey day outside as well. My mind seems to be flitting from thing to thing, nothing important, I can't focus on any one thing at a time. Plus it sadly seems that my cooking mojo has been lost. Tonight's dinner for the Welinder seniors was not great. I do love Madhur Jaffrey's fish curries from Curry Easy but the chicken ones are all so disappointing. I was so disappointed that no photos were taken and that's not like me!
Lets try again tomorrow!
Tuesday 21st October
Song of the day (LH): I just can't stop loving you - Michael Jackson
Song of the day (VW): Hazard - Richard Marx
Yoga start to the day...bliss. Good start so far!
Time for the penultimate zap....some more radio pics...
Photo no.684 - just lie back and think of England! ; )
Photo no.685 - working on my tan!
Photo no.686 - laser-tastic!
Photo no.687 - it would have been fun to have been spun around!
Photo no.688 - I'm on TV!
Photo no.689 - red alert...keep out!
Photo no.690 - the wonderful Bracknell team!
Photo no.691 - underneath the beam...for one position this was my view!
Photo no.692 - 'Beam off'...the view straight ahead from the bed
Photo no.693 - time to go!
Mentally I'm finding the end of treatment quite tough, playing catch up. Tomorrow will be the last zap and tamoxifen aside the last bit of physical treatment. No checks, no grand finale, just free to go. I guess I have to assume that all is well, though a scan or two wouldn't go amiss for reassurance. I've found the simple task of gaining reassurance to be one of the best medicines. As I've never felt ill from the cancer per se, the harsh, at times treatment regime is a reminder to show how punishing it is on the body and soul. So perhaps now's the time to give the body and soul the time they need to heal.
Although I've found reading Radical Remission fascinating, I'm finding myself putting pressure on me. To change to a vegan, no refined sugar, no alcohol lifestyle sounds simple on the one hand but on the other it is a huge shift from my current, pretty healthy diet. It's not like being gluten intolerant...ie. if I ate some bread my body would immediately react so that I could see the impact. I could change to this new lifestyle, feel pretty miserable and be fine. Or I could retain the belief that everything will be ok as I have done throughout this year, make some minor dietary changes and be happy....mmn....happiness is....
As the Bach flower lady predicted, I think I suffer from clown syndrome...making out that everything is fine, even to DW, when actually I'm feeling pretty low. I know the only person I'm kidding is myself so I need to let it out but somehow I don't want to. It seems strange to be feeling low when the end of treatment light is starting to glow.
Time to cheer up! Rachel and I took Maddie to feed the ducks...so therapeutic. Then the pesky seagulls showed up...so it became a bit of a game to watch them catching bread in mid air. Poor ducks! I did like the thought of one lady duck who decided to get out of the water and come closer to us...she was rewarded for her ingenuity!
Photo no.694 - Steven the seagull!
Photo no.695 - one pack down....119 to go!
I felt a lot better for having got out in the afternoon. Perhaps not so much time on my own might be a good idea! So tomorrow is a new day...new perspective required!
Wednesday 22nd October
Song of the day (LH): End of the road - Boyz II Men
Song of the day (VW): What a wonderful world - Louis Armstrong
Bonus track: A little help from my friends - Joe Cocker
So I gave myself a bit of a talking to last night...you need to get back on the positivity train! Woo woo!
A few tears were shed yesterday and I think perhaps it was good to release this, as it had been building up for a while. I felt like a new person today. As the slogan goes it's good to talk...thanks Maggie! : )
Another lazy morning with breakfast at lunchtime...so I guess I've become more of a brunch person just on a daily basis!
Doorbell! Maggie answered the door...Mrs Welinder...yes...some flowers...oh...they're for the other Mrs Welinder!
Photo no.696 - stunning flowers from two special ladies...thanks Kim & Emily!xxx
Time to go...last zap! Unlike chemo, this last session would not be delayed!!!
Photo no.697 - Little Miss S all strapped in...away we go!
It felt strange to drive to Reading, having had all my other treatments at Bracknell. I've been here twice before, once for the radiotherapy planning session and for a radioactive injection into my boob back in February! The main challenge here is parking but thankfully there was parking galore so that was a great start!
DW arrived literally as I parked so it was brilliant to have him with me for my last treatment. We weaved our way to the radiotherapy area. There were a few different options so a lovely nurse went to find out where I was meant to be. I left DW for the nurse to report back to him, as I needed the loo! One of my pre radio sessions rituals as been downing at least one litre of water. I don't know if it has helped but I've got this far with minor sunburn so every little helps. I went back and waited with DW. After a short wait, I was called through. Two new faces, but Priya from the Bracknell team was there so it was nice to see a familiar face. My first impression of Reading was that it was a lot warmer than Bracknell! So time for the final zap....the cosmic fairy dust is falling on me for the last time. I had to smile as at the point of the last zap, Song 2 by Blur came on....woo hoo!
All done. Finished. It all seemed slightly surreal. We then waited for my final skin check appointment. In this waiting area you could hear the sound of the machines with there familiar buzzing...it was good for DW to hear it. The skin specialist appointment was all fine, so need to do anything until I see Dr Davis at the start of December. Ok!
Photo no.698 - after 260 days I'm done! Woo hoo!
Did any of this really happen? I know it did but at times this whole year has felt like a massive dream. Hopefully the thing that could have potentially killed me is gone for good. Am I scared? No. For whatever reason, I've held onto an intrinsic belief that everything would be fine after a few hurdles had been jumped. Before you do anything it's always scarier than the reality of it. Hair loss...yeah not great but there are benefits. ; ) The one thing from the whole treatment process that makes me still feel nauseous is the thought of the cold cap. Now it's time to live with the treatment hangover of tamoxifen, some numbness (hopefully to be improved), growing my hair again...Still no regrets. This has been a challenging yet fascinating journey. Yes, there have been lows but also I've seen and felt so much love and kindness this year which have provided many of the highs. There's an element now of being scared about the future and what it may hold in every respect but that's too much for my brain to cope with so all I can do is one day at a time right now. Normality...something I've craved for a long time...what even is that? And the biggest question is why haven't I organised an end of treatment party???? This needs to be addressed asap!
Due to the timing of the appointment, we hit rush hour in Reading so it took a good while to get home. So normal life...what I have noticed is that the small things should be cherished no matter how small they are...like giggling with DW in the car to him rapping to Buffalo Stance...'you what'!
Photo no.699 - happy traffic times!
Shortly after we arrived home, the doorbell rang and it was Debbie with champagne, macaroons and a big end of treatment hug! A great way to celebrate end of treatment!
Photo no.700 - cheers!
It was truly wonderful to make this milestone with this incredible lady who has been there since the first doctor's appointment...I don't know what I would have done with out the many cups of tea, advice, support, baked goods (see the vegan life wouldn't work!) and love! Thank you so much DG!xx
Nurse Lars was also over and as he had a birthday celebration coming up, DW and I had decided we should take him for a good dinner to celebrate his '21st birthday' and also today's achievement! The Beehive in White Waltham had come recommended so we decided to give it a go! The chef, Dominic Chapman, has been head chef at The Hinds Head and The Royal Oak so we were hoping for good things!
To amuse our bouches we had the smoked mackerel pate...which was incredible!
Photo no.701 - fishcake with tartar sauce & creamed leeks
Photo no.702 - Cornish hake with chard, capers, lemon & parsley
Photo no.703 - baked alaska!
A great dinner...and aside from the sneaky paying stunt that nurse Lars played, it was a super evening!
Tomorrow is the start of a brave new world...one that I'm very excited about being part of...embracing and relishing everything that may come.
So with a little help from my friends and daily and a whole heap of love from DW, the treatment treadmill has been switched off. Perhaps there will be a few aftershocks, a bit like coming onto land after having been on a boat....but here's to the future...may you be bright, beautiful and bountiful, but most of all full of smiles and laughter.
Thank you everyone who has been a part of this year's journey! You've all been amazing and I couldn't have done it without you.
xxx
Thursday 23rd October
Song of the day (LH): Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
Song of the day (VW): The music sounds better with you - The Signposters
Ouch! Time to rehydrate....clearly a couple of glasses of wine hits harder having not drunk for 3.5 weeks! Yep, another (self imposed) target hit!
Mmn what to do with myself...my mornings are pretty much obliterated from sleeping and even though radiotherapy only took 1.5 hours out of my day it gave a focal point. It's like I've been released from jail...what to do! No crimes to commit...but there is the what if I get caught again monkey on my shoulder...go away...too many what ifs! Time to start doing a few chores and get out for some fresh air with this lovely little lady!
Photo no.704 - smiles with Maddie Regan!
It's amazing to see her grow and develop her cheeky little personality...she has been one of the best therapies this year. So thank you Maddie....and Rachel you've kept more sane at times than you'll ever know! xxx
Friday 24th October
Song of the day (LH): Yesterday - The Beatles
Song of the day (VW): Shake it off - Taylor Swift
Happy birthday Dad!
I purposefully arranged to meet the lovely Lydia in the morning to see how I would fare getting up before 10.30....well it was feasible but not pleasant and I subsequently felt super tired for the rest of the afternoon. Still that's the what the sofa and an afternoon movie are there for! A rare occasion for me so I thoroughly enjoyed it. My writing mojo has been lacking, hence the delay in posting this. Instead my writing time has been devoted to reading Radical Remission...I'm feeling better about the recommendations and actually think a mix of all 9 contributing factors is the way to go.
Tonight's dinner was at The Peking Inn in Cookham to celebrate my Dad's birthday! I've never been here before but it was good. Though I wasn't sure about the message at the bottom of the menu saying that 80% of the food was MSG free...what about the other 20%? I'm still feeling guilty when I eat certain foods. As Hipprocates is renowned for saying 'Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food', it is important to consider what's going in! Though if you feel good and happy about what you're eating then those endorphins must help as well. As debated before, I'm finding food hard at the moment as whilst I don't want to be too purest, I still want to control certain things. Anyway, a good birthday celebration!
Photo no.705 - Happy birthday!xxx
Saturday 25th October
Song of the day (LH): Shy Guy - Diana Ross
Song of the day (VW): Born this way - Lady Gaga
Hot then cold, hot then cold....menopausal hot flushes please refrain from hitting overnight!
A great way to kick off the weekend, a walk along the Thames with the ever wonderful Rachel Aldridge/ Williams! A chance to take in the nature in and have a good old chinwag!
Photo no.706 - river walk....
Whilst walking Rachel remembered that she had sent some flowers to me as a congratulations for the end of treatment. I felt really bad as I hadn't received them, so a call was put into DW and sure enough the delivery guy had left them by our front door but not left a note. I only use our backdoor so unless a note is popped through the door I'm none the wiser...still luckily they were still there and beautiful!
Photo no.707 - thanks Rachel!xxx
A restful afternoon ensued as I needed to summon up energy for this evening's entrainment...VIP tickets at the O2 to see Lady Gaga!!! This had come up unexpected the night before from DW's's boss but it was so much fun. It was a great mix of her old and new stuff, including a couple of jazz numbers. Shame Tony Bennett wasn't there!
At one point she got a fan ('monster') up on stage who was battling cervical cancer. It was staged as she's doing this every night of the tour, still it must have meant an awful lot to the girl and hopefully the energy she got from this has helped diminish some of those pesky cancer cells...Gaga then went into an a cappella version of Born this way, which was quite moving. An awesome 2 hour show.
Photo no.708 - Ra ra ooh la la!!!
Sunday 26th October
Song of the day (LH): Standing in the shadows of love - The Four Tops
Song of the day (VW): You're not alone - Olive
The after effects of radiotherapy still build up to a week after, so my shoulder was feeling like a certain patch of it had been in the sun way too long. Still, I'm faring much better than could have been anticipated for such a paley..perhaps the rays reflect more off pure white skins so not as much is absorbed. I know, medics out there, this is complete tosh but I'm very grateful for having a fairly mild reaction.
Photo no.709 - spot the difference!
A fairly relaxing and generic Sunday had, consisting of a lazy breakfast, a walk in Henley along the river and then the all important Sunday dinner! A repeat visitor to the Sunday table but a dinner I really love.......happily this time I didn't touch the hot pan so all burns were avoided!
Photo no.710 - Ching's dofu ru haddock (halibut in this case) with garlic pay choi (pointed cabbage) and exotic mushroom stir fry and brown rice
A turbulent week, with a plethora of emotions ranging from very low to very high and everywhere in between. I'm tired, so next week will be a week of relaxing, reading and resting (oh how I've learnt to embrace this!). I hate having to do physio everyday, morning and night, especially when energy levels are low but you know what VW suck it up, as it's better than triggering lymphoedema! The main question to ponder is how to live going forward to remain cancer free? A biggy and so hard to know what to do...so now's the time to consider this and take some time out...but perhaps the most important thing is to not overthink it...now that will be hard for me!!!
Whilst the end of treatment marks a significant milestone, it's come at a time of feeling emotionally low. Funnily enough having spoken to a couple of other people about it they have said the same thing...still many, many things to look forward to and once the tiredness subsides I'm sure the inner Little Miss S will start to burst out again!
Tomorrow, 9th November, we're travelling to Lisbon....for those of you who have read Wonderland from the start you'll know, like Arni, we said that we would be back and sure enough we will be. This trip feels like closure and a new beginning....so as the last foray into Wonderland I'll write about when we're back....it then feels right to close the door on Wonderland and this blog and enter a brave new world....the real one! Perhaps I'll start a Sunday night supper blog...what do you think?
Anyway time to pack...a very early start tomorrow...4.30am....oh my gosh!!! : ))
Love, peace, health and happiness to you all.
xxx
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