Monday 15th September
Song of the day (LH): Paradise Circus - Massive Attack
Song of the day (VW): Can't stop - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Arriving at the Royal Berkshire Cancer centre this morning, my head was filled with the how the hell did I get here questions? I had not been here since February where I had some radioactive dye injected into me. Though I still have the lovely blue hue on my skin. It was extremely weird going back here, where some of the start of the journey had had happened. I still find a lot of what's happened this year very surreal, perhaps that's why Wonderland was so pertinent to the title of my blog at it's inception. Deep breath, go in, it won't be that bad.
I had been asked to arrive 30 minutes early and thankfully being given a first thing appointment, it meant no car parking dramas. After signing a consent form, I had time to read the many MacMillan leaflets that were located in the waiting area. For anyone going through radiotherapy, I would really recommend the MacMillan leaflet. To me it seemed the most informative...2 words that jumped out of the page to me were curative treatment...is that what I'm having. Yes, it turns out, that fortunately I am.
A slightly nervous radiographer called Lewis, came to meet me and once again ran through the risks of the treatment. Perhaps the conversation should have started with the fact that although there are some risks, hopefully this will eradicate this b*tch of a disease and you can get on with your life. Still you can't have everything.
Post chat I was asked to change into the usual blue dressing gown and then go into the CT scanning room. It was freezing in there, so I need to remember to take some gloves with me for actual treatment for comfort. Various bit of tape and pen marks were put on me with two radiographers cross checking each measurement. Then through the polo mint shaped scanner I went for a couple of minutes. Radiotherapy it seems is a precision game. I found out that my first treatment would be on 2nd October. It seemed a while away but apparently the CT images had to be sent to a physicist then to my oncologist and onto a few others before the exact treatment details could be confirmed. So it made sense.
Tattoos. Love or hate them. I've never been a fan, partly due to to the pain of getting one done and partly as they never seem to look great as the skin ages. Just my little old opinion. However, today I was having to have tattoos done. Four in fact. There was no booklet on offer allowing me to choose a shape, Chinese symbol or colour. Instead I was having four black pen dot size tattoos. The reason for these is that the radiographers can line me up in the exact same position for each of my 15 treatments. In essence it was 4 injections of black ink and I'm sure if I didn't point them out to you, you'd never notice. One of them I feel is particularly intrusive to my body but it's a small price to pay. I felt a bit like a jail bird, permanently marked for life but in this case for something that I didn't do. Honest sir!
After getting changed I was free to go. Another step achieved.
I had a bit of time at home before I needed to leave to go to the Haven for my first mind body therapy treatment. It's something that I've wanted to do for months yet have had to postpone it several times due to chemo. So today was the day. I was feeling that my energy levels weren't high enough going into it but as it turned out that didn't matter. This was potentially the best 90 minutes of a counselling type session that I've ever had. It included the future me talking to the current me and taking a very emotional journey reliving some wounds from the past. I left feeling completing cleansed and emotionally shattered. For anyone who is interested in this type of thing here's the link to Gosia's website for more information:
http://www.my-successful-heart.com
Tuesday 16th September
Song of the day (LH): It feels better - Lene Riebau
Song of the day (VW): May it be - Enya
A great sleep....aaah....followed by a wonderful yoga session. Today yoga was set to Enya, hence my song choice of the day. Annet was so sweet as she said she had chosen Enya as it had reminded her of me when she was listening to it. Very kind words and it made the yoga session all the more enjoyable with this tranquil music in the background.
I decided I needed a Jane visit just to have a quick boob check pre flying on Thursday. I'm so lucky that they will always make time to see me. It's so great to catch up with either Jane and chat through how I'm feeling physically and emotionally, as this time is starting to feel a bit lonely. I'm grateful for everyone around me so it's not lonely in that sense more to do with adjusting back into 'normal' life.
A bit later than planned I headed into work and spent a couple of hours there. It's tricky knowing what to start and get involved with, due to radiotherapy on the horizon. Still, it's nice to go in and have some shape to my day if nothing else.
Arriving home, I realised I still had some blue and yellow balloons in the car from Saturday's scandi party. It seemed a shame to pop them, so I rang my neighbours doorbell and gave them to two very happy looking little boys...'balloons'! It's amazing how something so simple can bring so much joy! It was an absolute delight to see their beaming faces.
Wednesday 17th September
Song of the day (LH): U sure do - Strike
Song of the day (VW): Just a little - Liberty X
Tired, tired, tired despite sleeping, sleeping, sleeping!
I was starting to feel a tad apprehensive about flying away for the weekend. It will of course be fine but it seems a big step being away from the medical security blanket that has been built around me....time to start breaking free!
Thursday 18th September
Song of the day (LH): Everybody's gotta learn sometimes - Beck
Song of the day (VW): The river of dreams - Billy Joel
Up later than planned, so it was a rush to find flight socks, something that I've been advised to wear on all flights from now on, and pick up a few other essentials before packing and fleeing off to the airport! I arrived super early for my flight as I had to drop the beloved Fiat 500 back by 1pm. I've not been this early for a flight but despite the manic morning it was nice to have some time to wander around the terminal, picking up a couple of purchases (!) before I met DW for lunch in the lounge, a special treat for the way out. One of the purchases was an eyebrow pencil. I hadn't really given much thought to my lack of eyebrows until someone at work mentioned how different people look without them. It suddenly made me realise that perhaps I should do something. So with the aid of the lovely lady at the mac counter my eyebrows were somewhat restored!
Photo no.584 - a lounge lunching lady!
After boarding there were seats available in the front row. So I asked if DW and I could go and sit there as at check in we couldn't get seats next to one another. The air stewardess hadn't realised that DW was my husband, so joked that it was a good chat up line! Score!
; ) Afternoon tea was served on board with lemon and date scones, which were incredible. One to go on the baking list!
The Welinder chauffeur service greeted us at Göteborg airport. It was great to be welcomed by smiling faces. We then drove down to Haverdal for our weekend stay. After a light dinner, DW and I went for a walk. The first thing that always hits me when I come here is how fresh the air is and also the wonderful smell of it being so fresh. No pollution, just nature and on occasion a bit too much nature when seaweed is in the air! The stars were shining so brightly and were mesmerising to look at. Despite feeling a little nervous about being away from my medical security blanket I was started to feel relaxed and knew a good sleep was on the cards.
Friday 19th September
Song of the day (LH): Don't stop me - Queen (repeat!)
Song of the day (VW): Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! - Abba
I heard DW get up so though I should do the same...I looked at my clock and thought it was a tad early for holiday but then thought that the phone hadn't moved to european time...it turns out it had and DW had got confused we were up an hour earlier than planned....argh but good to have an extra hour!
First job on the cards was to head into the local town, Halmstad, to go to the wine shop to buy some fine wines for our hosts. In Sweden, you can only buy alcohol over a certain alcohol percentage from state alcohol shops, Systembolaget. Coming from the UK this is a strange concept in that alcohol is almost too freely available but the advantage of it is that all alcohol in here is bought by the state so it's excellent value for money. As it was a Friday morning we knew it was going to be busy with people buying their weekend supplies!!!
As the sun was shining we couldn't resist a stop to Riccardo's for an ice cream. It's on a farm surrounded by spectacular country side, so it's always worthwhile a visit. The other reason for going is to see the funniest Shetland pony I've ever seen. His tail is the size of a standard horse but on a tiny pony it's ridiculous!
Photo no.585 - hej ponny!
Photo no.586 - DW has a chat with his favourite pony!
Less than fives minutes from Welinder Haverdal HQ is a spectacularly sandy beach. Flip flops were donned and we headed to the beach. Beaches in Sweden are natural on the whole. No ice cream vans, donkey rides or other commercial activities...they're simply a place to walk, relax and listening to the sea. It's our ultimate escape from everyday life and we love it here anytime of the year. The beach is surrounded by sand dunes which make excellent places to have a snooze or a spot of meditation...
Photo no.587 - sandy beach...
Photo no.588 - yep, this is Sweden!
Photo no.589 - hjälp!!!
Photo no.590 - sunny Swedish beach
The Welinder Snrs had kindly agreed to host a dinner with the Rosengren's that evening. It was a wonderful evening with good food, company and lots and lots of laughter. Så trevligt att träffas, förhoppningsvis se er snart igen!
With the stars shining brightly again, we took a walk after dinner to walk off the delicious food we had had and take in the sounds of the sea and the fresh air. A great day!
Saturday 20th September
Song of the day (LH): Breathe me - Sia
Song of the day (VW): Call me - Blondie
Mmn maybe a little too much wine....water at the ready!!! We took a drive around some of the areas with houses by the beach. The architecture is so varied here and there always seems to be new houses popping up so it's interesting to drive by the sea and see what's changed. We took another long walk by the sea. The water here is much warmer than the sea on the British south coast, due to the gulf stream. It was lovely to see people of all ages in the water...next year for me!!!
Photo no.591 - beach walkers!
This evening we were treated to dinner in a typically Swedish inn. Maggie had researched somewhere to go and we had a typically Swedish dinner. To start...
Photo no.592 - Toast Skagen
Followed by...
Photo no.593 - Duck with a mushroom sauce & rösti potato
To finish...
Photo no.594 - baked apples with marzipan and vanilla sauce
A lovely dinner and though I'm not a lover of duck, I really enjoyed it! Tack så mycket!
Sunday 21st September
Song of the day (LH): Flash - Joan as police woman
Song of the day (VW): Don't leave me this way - The Communards
I'm feeling that I'm starting to lose some of the tiredness that has bound me up for the last few weeks. I guess the right combination of relaxing, resting and walking is helping with this result. Phew!
One of the must have foods when I'm in Sweden is varmrökt lax. The easiest way to describe this is that it's salmon that has been smoked like mackerel. It's strange that you rarely see it here, though I'm sure it's more common perhaps in Scotland. Here in Sweden, it's served with romsås, a mayonnaise/crème fraîche, dill, red onion based sauce. Absolutely delicious!
So we went on a mission to buy the salmon and sauce! Often we go to a local smokery but it's not open on Sundays, so we opted to go to a different salmon shop! There are many! I was amazed at how busy this place was on...the queue for the cafe was coming out of the door so thankfully we were opting to get our fish to go!!!
I just had to take a photo of this....in case you need salmon 24/7 there are a few of these in the local area!
Photo no.595 - the Lax o Mat!!!
You swipe your credit card on the way in, take your salmon based items and then swipe to get out! You never have to fear about late night salmon cravings! I have to say the salmon that you eat here is absolutely incredible...so if you're ever in Sweden absolutely try it!
It wouldn't be a Sunday or a Sweden visit without a walk...today the wind had picked up and it was a lot cooler so we walked along the beach in one direction and then went through the wood on the way back. The smell of the pine trees is incredible any time of year. In the winter when these woods are covered in snow it's like walking into Narnia, especially when you're the one making the first crisp footprints into the snow...
Photo no.596 - the tree got me!
Photo no.597 - apples everywhere!
Photo no.598 - the now infamous famous varmrökt lax med römsås
Photo no.599 - a little white wine is the perfect accompaniment....Kung fu Girl from Washington State wasn't a bad choice!
Even writing this now, I'm feeling calmer from our weekend by the sea. It's our place to runaway to and it was fantastic to finally get here for the first time for this year. We always eat and drink well thanks to the Welinder Snrs. Perhaps they should start a retreat?!
Tomorrow, I need to start taking Tamoxifen when I get home. I'm feeling nervous about it and what it may bring. It's the longest of all the treatments that I need to do, 10 years...so here's looking forward to 21st September 2024 when hopefully the last pill will be popped!
Monday 8th September
Song of the day (LH): Prayer in C - Lilly Wood, The Prick & Robin Schulz
Song of the day (VW): You don't know me - Armand van Helden
I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment...chemo done, surgery done and recovering well but I don't know what's happening with the next stage. Radiotherapy. The Marsden had confirmed that they would recommend radiotherapy, so I knew it would be recommended by Dr Davis. I was seeing her later this day but it had felt a long time coming. Prepping for these meetings I always find is essential to clear my mind of all the questions that have been bubbling. So I spent some time reading through the various radiotherapy leaflets that I had been given. I also wanted to chat to Dr D about Tamoxifen, as although she had prescribed it and I had picked it up the time was soon approaching to start taking it.
I met DW at PMH and then we had a wait on our hands, Dr D was running behind...nearly 1.5 hours it turned out. There's nothing you can do but sit and wait it out. Dr D is a great character so when you get to see her all is forgiven! DW and I have been thinking about modifying our kitchen so we ended up to talking to Dr D about it as she was asking what we had been doing while we waited. She was kitchen planning as well!
We went through my exhaustive list of questions and thoughts on radiotherapy and tamoxifen. I'll give the lady her due she definitely doesn't short change on the time she give to her patients, which is invaluable on these initial discussion meetings. Everything seemed to make sense and she agreed with the Marsden's view as to where to give radiotherapy to. Armpit you're saved though it could have been a potential benefit, as radiotherapy often eliminates hair! Oh well.
A few people have asked what radiotherapy is. Essentially it is high energy x-rays that are given over a period of time external to the affected area. In my case, I'll have 15 treatments, meaning going daily during the working week and getting the weekends off. It's another insurance policy to ensure the pesky cancer cells stay away for good...please don't come back, you're really not welcome! Here's a link for those of you who would like to know more:
http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/breast-cancer-information/treating-breast-cancer/radiotherapy
We left the meeting feeling somewhat deflated. I don't know why. It's all good news and no scary results meetings at the moment but equally energy levels are running low. I had hoped that I would start radiotherapy in September to curtail the length of limbo land but this is not to be. All being well I'll have a planning meeting before I go to Sweden, so that treatment will start shortly afterwards.Despite this flat feeling, I was starting to feel much better within myself.
Thanks to Amy Lovell, we've got the first four series of Mad Men on DVD....so the addiction has begun! A great form of escapism.
Tuesday 9th September
Song of the day (LH): I'll be missing you - Puff Daddy feat Faith Evans
Song of the day (VW): Cannonball - Damian Rice
Happy birthday Kirsty!
Yoga to start the day...bliss.
I had the back to school feeling today, as this afternoon I was heading into work for the first time in quite a few weeks. Knowing it would be fine still didn't help the slightly daunted feeling. Silly really as it was absolutely fine once I got out of the car! In fact, you know how it is when you've been on holiday and go back to work, it's easy to forget that you've been away in the first place. Still good to be back and to see lots of friendly faces.
A new start, a new dinner....
Photo no.550 - Chicken & bulgar wheat Waldorf salad with dill and poppy seed yoghurt
Wednesday 10th September
Song of the day (LH): Talkin' loud and saying nothing - James Brown
Song of the day (VW): Midnight city - M83
I spent most of this morning in a haze...I'm starting to understand that this feeling is actually my body saying hello I'm tired...rest, take it easy. I guess I had underestimated how tiring going into work the previous day had been. Still I was determined to go in again today, which I did. It felt good going in, something familiar though some frustrations!
That evening Mike and Jen came over for dinner as they were heading back to Seattle later in the week. It was great to see them again and have an evening filled lots of laughter...DW's über american accent is pretty darn AWESOME! We can't wait to see you guys at Christmas!!! xxx
Thursday 11th September
Song of the day (LH): Chandelier - Sia
Song of the day (VW): Lady Marmalade - Patti LaBelle
Two afternoons of work and that was enough for me this week! ; ) Well more that I had an afternoon of appointments at the Marsden and the Haven.
I got up even though I wanted to sleep a heck of a lot more. On good days when I'm feeling spritely it's hard to head to bed at early o'clock as I know I won't be able to get to sleep but then I know I'll suffer the next day. Still I should be grateful for the spritely days in the first place!
Photo no.551 - a vibrant bloom...thanks Dad! xxx
Appointment no.1 was physio with Kate. I really like Kate and wish that I saw her all the time for my physio, as we get on well. Still I'm lucky that Diana, my physio at PMH is good too! Post physio, I treated myself to a cardamon bun from Gail's bakery and a cup of tea before hopping on the bus to the Haven. Cardamon is an underrated spice used in baking in the UK. The Swedes use it a lot so it was great to find this.
My Haven appointment was a swift follow up session with Nadia who I had met back in March. It was a practical session to go through what options I had left to use my 10 free sessions, though we soon realised that the two mind body therapy sessions I had booked would fill this up! I also mentioned that I would be interested in counselling again. It's so very true at this point in the treatment cycle that patients can feel left out in the dark. I was starting to feel this so best to let it out to someone...I'm very much looking forward to the mind body sessions, it's one of the most sought after therapies at the Haven so I can't wait to see what it offers. Watch this space!
I decided to walk back down to the Marsden as it's only a 15 minute walk and I need to do all the exercise I can at the moment. Buns and baking are not doing good things for my physique! Whereas I've been lucky to be able to get away with eating what I've wanted in the past, things are changing and this doesn't seem to be the case. Please don't sigh...it's never nice to feel uncomfortable in your own skin/ clothes. Anyway enough on this.
I waited for DW to arrive at the Marsden for the appointment with Fiona Mac. He cut it close to the wire but was still there! Again another wonderfully positive appointment. The only concern I had was that my nipple had started to invert. Massage was the answer so hopefully this will do the trick, as it had been fine for a couple of weeks post surgery. I guess things are moving around and settling into new places, so if this is the only setback then I'll take it. I said a massive thank you to Fiona and she then bounced it back and said it was a team effort with everyone at the Marsden and DW. Absolutely! Though I'm very grateful for her amazing skills. I felt truly humbled and honoured by her saying that her reward was seeing me coming back in 4 weeks post op in a cami top with it not being apparent to anyone that I had had a mastectomy. It's an absolute inspiration to spend time with Fiona Mac, as her passion and dedication are infectious. We briefly chatted about a cheeky little lift for the other boob next year...why not! : )
At the end of the appointment it felt strange confirming that the next appointment should be 3 months post radiotherapy, so Jan/Feb 2015....wow that seems a long way away. On the one hand absolutely brilliant as it means everything is going well, on the other it's strange not having such frequent check ins. Still all good.
DW and I both went in for massive hugs with Gwynedd as it felt sad saying goodbye...though I suspect I'll see/ speak to her a few times before Feb 2015! ; )
We left the hospital knowing we should feel elated but somehow it all felt a bit bland. I can't seem to find a better way of describing it than that. DW then headed off for a work dinner so I was flying solo...I had planned to meet a friend but knew that I should head home as I was feeling tired. As there was no food in the house, I decided I would stop via Whole Foods and grab a cheeky burrito for dinner....so, so good! Plus it meant when I got in I could just relax...
Photo no.552 - green goodness!
Photo no.553 - big burrito! Yum!
Friday 12th September
Song of the day (LH): Unforgettable - Nat King Cole
Song of the day (VW): Everywhere - Fleetwood Mac
Happy 5th wedding anniversary to the incredible DW!
It will be no surprise to you that my song of the day choice was our first dance....there is a romantic lurking inside me!
Photo no.554 - 12th September 2009
Photo no.555 - thanks Kim!x
Photo no.556 - D & VW 5 year montage...
We had planned to really celebrate our 5 year anniversary, pre all of this year's shenanigans but with everything that has happened we decided to go to town...literally! A night at Shoreditch House with dinner at a venue that was to be revealed by DW at some stage! Exciting!
To make the most of staying at Shoreditch House, we had a late lunch on the roof terrace, which has fantastic views over the city. Then we took a stroll around the local area. We hadn't been for a while so it was nice to stumble over new things like T2...
Photo no.557 - T2...a shop filled with everything tea related!
Photo no.558 - street life...
So I had been absolutely convinced that we were going to Sushi Samba for dinner. DW has wanted to go there for ages and the hotel was a short walk away but that was not to be. Instead we were going to Jason Atherton's relatively newly opened City Social in Tower 42. For quite a few years myself and Rob Hamilton were promised to be taken here for drinks/ dinner...it turns out that you have to complete 5 years of marriage to actually get here. It was worth the effort! ; ) The views are amazing and it was great to be there at sunset.
Photo no.559 - view #1...Gherkin
Photo no.560 - view #2... Shard
Photo no.561 - he's my cup of tea (or a whisky cocktail guised as a cuppa!)!
Photo no.562 - rhubarb and grapefruit bliss...
Photo no.563 - warm fruits of the sea, linguini and shellfish cooking juices
Photo no.564 - a good Spanish white
Photo no.565 - Newlyn line caught cod, salted cod brandade, chorizo, baby squid and squid ink aïoli
Photo no.566 - a glass of something sticky...
Photo no.567 - cheese with pear & raisin chutney (to share!)
Photo no.568 - predictable...I know!
Photo no.569 - after dinner drinks (or decaf coffee in my case!) on the roof at Shoreditch House.
A truly fantastic 5th wedding anniversary! I can't wait until next year! DW...jag älskar dig!xxx
Saturday 13th September
Song of the day (LH): Sonnentanz - Klangkarussel
Song of the day (VW): Try again - Aaliyah
Happy birthday Tom!
Brunch on the roof terrace, why not! You might be wondering where are the Shoreditch House food photos, sorry to disappoint but photography is forbidden within the club, so I felt/ DW would have confiscated my phone, that I couldn't take any (late night pic of us allowed...just!). Needless to say it was all delicious!
After brunch and checking out we decided to take a two stop trip to Dalston and have a look. It's interesting see different neighbourhoods across London and how they've all got their own charm.
Photo no.570 - the title says it all...
Then a walk down Brick Lane, which at the weekends is filled with lots of yummy food stalls. The smells are incredible. I stumbled across Dark Sugars today, the cocoa aroma was intoxicating...needless to say they had one called Overdose!
Photo no.571 - Dark Sugars, Brick Lane.
After walking for a while, I was shattered so we stopped for some fuel. Who could resist this?!
Photo no.572 - walnut and apple cake with maple buttercream....
I love the street art around this area...this was the view from our bedroom window in Shoreditch House.
Photo no.573
The plan for the day had been to stay in London as we were due for dinner at Ivy Crescent that evening. However, I was completely shattered so we drove home for some much needed nap time. I'm learning! ; )
Tonight's incredible event, was a scandi dinner hosted by Chez Wright-Deadman. It was an amazing gesture on their part as it was a thank you dinner for DW being so amazing this year. Seeing his face as we pulled up with the Swedish flag colour balloons outside of their house was a real delight!
Photo no.574 - Swedish beer...not for the kitty!
Photo no.575 - the sensational smörgåsbord!
Photo no.576 - Kräftor - aka crayfish
Photo no.577 - Lax - aka salmon
Photo no.578 - Västerbottenostpaj - cheese pie made with Västerbotten cheese
Photo no.579 - crayfish party hats!
The idea for the party had come from seeing crayfish party decorations in Ikea. Late August is crayfish party season in Sweden, so as DW hadn't been all year the lovely Ivy Crescent ladies wanted to give him a taste of home. Unfortunately these have a limited lifespan in terms of being able to buy in London, so Emily and Kim found the next best hats available!
Photo no.580 - insanely good Nigella (made by Emily) Swedish summer cake
Photo no.581 - a Swede who had enjoyed an aquavit or few!
An amazing evening of scandi food and a very happy DW. Thanks so much Emily for baking, poaching and dealing with the crayfish! Another fabulous Ivy Crescent evening. xxx
Sunday 14th September
Song of the day (LH): I need a girl - P.Diddy feat Usher
Song of the day (VW): Iron sky - Paolo Nutini
A morning of yoga and meditation.....bliss, though I was none too happy when the alarm went off! It was a brilliantly beautiful day and I had a stunning drive over to Parmoor where the yoga was being held. Next time I need to remember more layers, as it's always cold there, though perhaps it's a good thing as it meant I didn't doze off this time!!!
Apres yoga, we had a bimbling afternoon at home followed by a relatively short Sunday walk...a perfectly good Sunday.
I mentioned in last week's entry that we use the traditional anniversary gifts...here's mine from DW!
Photo no.582 - a wooden wine rack
It had been a real foodie weekend so we both wanted something light for dinner. I decided upon a fish curry, you may be questioning the lightness but Madhur Jaffrey's fish curry's are all fairly light and fragrant. The perfect balance of spice.
Photo no.583 - Sri Lankan fish curry with courgettes with cumin
Well limbo land week 1, tiredness aside you've been pretty good. A wonderful anniversary celebration, dipping my toe in the water at work and a fantastic scandi feast. Things aren't too shabby. Hair is coming back slowly in the places I want it and fast in the places I don't! Still at least it's coming back. New boob is behaving. I'm feeling slightly strange about treatment coming to an end. Though this is an absolute positive and the best I could have possibly have hoped for it's still weird, very weird. Thought of the week - time to start filling up my days so there's less reflection time and I need to stop being exhausted from doing nothing! We'll see! Over and out for this entry. xxx
