Week 16 - it's the final chemo.......

Monday 23rd June

Song of the day (LH): Hangin' on a string - Loose Ends
Song of the day (VW): I got u - Duke Dumont

Today's the day! The day that way back in early March seemed a world away. Today should be the last chemo session. As you can imagine my sleep was slightly broken during the night. Small thoughts of doubt crept in, will it go ahead or not. Fingers crossed.

Dream team lined up check. End of chemo food and drink check. Presents for the nurses check. Let's go DW!

Arriving at PMH it was good news, I was back in my original room. This room is brighter than the other room and feels a bit more spacious. Every little helps.

Photo no.327 - my room number

Photo no.328 - my light at the end of the tunnel

I know what you're thinking...this room looks pretty dark but unfortunately the iPhone can't cope with different lighting scenarios, well I'm sure there's an app but I've not got it! 

DW and I settled into a conversation with Jane regarding surgery. The aim was to really understand Miss P's reasoning and to gain Jane's thoughts. A tough chat but I wanted Jane to be completely open with me so that I could really get to grips with the surgery recommendation. Ultimately there are two reasons for Miss P's recommendation. One is that with immediate reconstruction more of the original breast's tissue is left, so more chance that some pesky cancer cells could have remained. The other is that if and I hope to God this is a never, but if it did recur in the same breast and reconstruction had happened, all of the reconstructed breast would have to be discarded of. Additionally, if this reconstruction had used a body part (e.g a back muscle) then this would not be an option for future reconstruction. So they're being cautious but rightly so, considering the breast (small) to lump ratio was high. Having gone through this in some detail, I fully respect their recommendation and believe it is the right call for me. Yes, I know other surgeons may do a reconstruction at the same time but overall I think this is the best solution for me. Though of course I am petrified of waking up and realising my boob has gone. 

The second part of the meeting was discussing prosthetic options. Oh God how did I end up here? Straight after surgery apparently I get to pop something called a comfie into my bra and then a bit later I move onto a silicone prosthesis. Despite my small boobs I couldn't believe how big and heavy this was. DW also got the 'pleasure' of feeling this. It must be so bizarre for him, the poor love. I was also given a couple of mastectomy lingerie catalogues...these reminded Lars of top shelf magazines from his youth. Nicola Jane and Eloise Lingerie are two of the top brands for this market...have a peek if you fancy. It reminds me of the Doreen bra that I mentioned in an early post. 

During this chat, Regina and Jill came in to take my vital stats and blood...be good cell count!

There was a knock at the door and a smiley Debbie popped her head round the corner...the dream team were here...can they come in? Five mins please! Jane really gave the reassurance we were looking for regarding surgery and also helped me start getting my mind around the post op 'look'...it's only temporary! I feel that this is going to be used a lot, akin to the hair, it will grow back conversations.....you know the response. Yes, this is a 2 year solution but still...how the hell did this happen! If only I had big bazookers, then it wouldn't be a full mastectomy. Oh well. It is what it is. Keep riding the wave.

Dream team, Debbie and Kim came in - Kim with frappucinos and Debbie with baked good, garden peas (are these like edamame was DW's response - the urbanite!) and other goodies. We were all set. It felt like an age for the blood test results to come in. Then Marianne walked in with a file and an apprehensive face....chemo is not happening....your white cell count is 0.1 too low. 0.1! Seriously! Of course I challenged the decision, as I knew the following day I would have a white cell boost from the Neulasta. DW had texted Rob as in a flash, my remote dream team member, Ces was calling in to help. We waited for Regina to come in to discuss with her. Frustratingly she had been in a meeting when the results had been sent to Dr Davis, as she mentioned she potentially could have persuaded Dr Davis to allow it to go ahead. But not today was the answer. Seriously 0.1!!! To be honest though, I was feeling shattered so in some ways this was not a bad call, however much it was disappointing and frustrating. Debbie, bless her thought she had hexed this situation, which she clearly hadn't! 

I was unplugged from the drip and free to pack up the party...it felt so sad doing that. I went to retrieve the drinks from the fridge and Marianne came towards me with some scissors to cut off my hospital wrist band...Regina intervened and said to wait as she was going to make a call....a glimmer of hope? Regina returned a few minutes later and despite her best efforts the decision was still to wait. Come back on Wednesday for take two. 

It was a tricky decision as Wednesday was much closer to the weekend (Elton John concert on Saturday) but waiting until the following week meant nurse Lars and chef Maggie would have returned to Sweden. Mmn...what to do! We provisionally said Wednesday and left slightly downbeat....though of course everyone was saying the right things and the reasons why it was better to postpone but we all knew it had been a bit of a blow.

So what are you to do in these situations...Regina's advice...go and have a glass of wine in the sunshine! Wine, I did not feel like, but a good lunch I did. Debbie, Kim and I drove over to Stubbings, while DW went home to spend some time with his parents. Arriving at Stubbings there was a notice about a kitchen closure...uh oh not today, not today!!! Thankfully it was for later that week...so we went in!

Photo no.329 - the special's board!

Photo no.330 - post lunch pic! 

As Dr Ford had noted my tummy has increased in size....sigh...otherwise a delightful photo of the lovely Kim and I! Thanks Debbie and Kim for a post non chemo lunch, you're truly the best at keeping me sane! xxx

Arriving home, was tricky, two loved ones had flown in from Sweden to look after me for the week but that was now off the cards, so I felt terrible for them making the trip over for a non event. Still, it was lovely to see them and I think DW needed some quality time with his mum. One thing I knew, was that Mr Charlie Bigham's lasagne was off the menu for tonight!!! As the sun was shining, the thing to do was to BBQ!!! Some Pitt Cue & Co rub on some chicken, followed by BBQ'd peaches....amazing. It was also fab to have dinner outside. So some real positives from today, despite the frustration of being so darn close to the chemo finish line and seeing it move further forward. We'll see what happens on Wednesday.


Photo no.331 - beautiful orange blossom.

These are from an orange tree that DW bought for wedding anniversary last year. We're fairly traditional at heart so we're following the old fashioned list...year 4 was fruit & flowers. So an orange tree was my gift...what this picture can't convey is the smell. It was utterly incredible. I love you DW! xxx

Tuesday 24th June

Song of the day (VW): Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel
Song of the day (LH): Have you seen her - The Chi-Lites

My only orders from my medical team were to rest. Rest and more rest. To be honest, I knew that was required so I listened and did as I was told. Firstly I slept in until midday, bliss. Then I read and pottered, oh how old I am sounding! I had no desire to do anything, a sure sign of things not being right with me, so much lounger time was required. 

Photo no.332 - orange blossom comes outside....

There are two plants that DW cares about in our dwelling, the orange tree and the curry plant. All the others are irrelevant, so I ensured that the orange tree received some sunshine.


Photo no.333 - we've got pears!

Last year, two lovely ladies gave me a pear tree and this year we have fruit! Now we just have to wait for them to ripen.....

A voicemail pinged in from Moira, asking me to call her back. I'm not going to go into the details of the following conversation but all I do want to say is that our hearts and thoughts are reaching out to the whole Achilli family. We love you very much. 

The only thing on my schedule was a pedicure, so that's all I did. It was such a pleasure walking around the Odney grounds with Maggie, hearing her talk about them with such childlike enthusiasm. It's so beautiful there but often I'm rushing to the spa, so it was great to have 20 minutes before my appointment to take in how magnificent it was looking.
My song of the day has been in my head for the last couple of days. The riff really gets you, good for the soul.

Photo no.334 - Sichuan prawns (that old classic) al fresco!

I went to bed apprehensively....will tomorrow go ahead. I half suspected not as I was still feeling fairly tired but you never know. Worth a try! Today's news has further confirmed that life is so short, so enjoy everyday as you never know what is coming....live, eat and drink well. Good night.xxx

Wednesday 25th June

Song of the day (VW): Miles Davis
Song of the day (LH): Thinking out loud - Ed Sheeran

Last chemo take 2.....action! Chemo party bag packed still from Monday...lets take it. This time it was a more subdued affair. We had agreed with the Welinders snr and Debbie that we would text once the blood count was back to let them know whether it was a go and for them to come or not. I felt tired so suspect the red light would still be on but here goes. As it was just DW and I it was a fairly quiet morning. When Regina came in to plug me in, I put on her favourite gospel singer's concert so that we could have a singalong and Regina even busted some moves for me. Blood taken...the waiting game started.

Photo no.335 - all set up for the final session....

I actually felt a bit spaced out and my vision went a bit blurry so DW reached for the Coca Cola, which definitely perked me up. He is the most supportive man in the world but he's not one for small talk so it was a peaceful wait for the blood results.....in between texts from my remote team! 

No go....Regina came in and said the results were the same from the small machine. Just in case she had asked for them to be run on the large machine but she/ we suspected the result would be the same. Stand down team. I have to say, I'm so lucky she was really pushing the boat out for me. As suspected the results were the same, so the decision was made, come back again on Monday. I think she thought I was really deflated but actually I was really tired, so it was the right thing to happen...plus it meant that my night with Elton should be good...Ces and I had always planned for this. 

It felt good to be home and it meant that DW could head into work. Nurse Lars came up with an excellent suggestion of going to The Crown for a burger...so we made a call and a table was available. Excellent. 

Right more resting time please. I spent the rest of the afternoon in close proximity to the lounger. The doorbell rang at one point...Maggie answered the door - 'Mrs Welinder?'...yes (to be honest if someone said Mrs Welinder, I would think of Maggie first)...then she paused and I came through to see what it was....

Photo no.336 - a stunning bouquet from a beautiful lady...thanks darling Emily! xxx

After many hours of resting, it was time for dinner and a great dinner it was. The Crown at Bray is consistently good and was the best dinner out I've had in a while and as you have seen I've been trying!!! Plus we got to dine outside, in part thanks to the heaters that they had available but still it's so much nicer to sit outside, particularly as inside it feels a bit more wintry.

Photo no.337 - perfect parfait, brioche and sweet & sour onions

This chicken liver parfait is pretty perfect, well I thought it was until Emily made some pate from Delia recipe....Delia vs Heston...tough one but Delia might take the edge! Still this one is pretty darn good.

Photo no.338 - The Crown hot dog - no need to say anything.

Photo no.339 - Welinders - junior and senior!

Oh my what a chubby monster I look...less dinners involving parfait and hot dogs...more exercise young lady!!!

Photo no.340 - good vase idea!

A truly lovely evening.


Thursday 26th June

Song of the day (VW): Perfect - Fairground Attraction
Song of the day (LH) Don't be cruel - Bobby Brown

Today began with a calm start of some yoga and meditation as I pulled forward my session from next week. It was calm but hayfever and trying to focus on your breathing aren't such a great combo, so I wasn't as relaxed as usual. Davinder's dog, Toffee, was very relaxed, as I could hear him snoring during my meditation. Bless him, it's a tough life! Around half way through, a pneumatic drill started up, not very zen. Davinder calmly told me to keep my cat's pose whilst she investigated. A brickie can never turn down a tea break offer so thankfully this is what they did for the rest of my yoga session.

I was feeling good today. I could feel that the week of rest was really paying off. Clearly, you know what this means, I end up doing more than perhaps I should. After yoga, I took a walk into Maidenhead, not the most inspiring walk but still some exercise for this seemingly become pile of jelly! The fruit and veg stall caught my eye as the fennel looked incredible, they also had cherries at a price where I didn't need to take out a second mortgage to buy them. I think cherries are potentially my favourite fruit when they're perfectly ripe, seeping out that dark red juice, there are few fruits that can beat at the beautiful cherry. So good on a sunny summer's day. 

Photo no.341 - one of the finest fruits...I present the cherry!

I love the peeps who work on the fruit and veg stall, calling out the various price per pound for difference fruit and veg. It's an art, not one that I'd be good at!

Arriving home, I decided to tackle the pile of ever growing paperwork. I don't know why I don't just file things as they arrive as in the long run it'd be quicker but hey I guess I can give myself a break on this one. Of course going through the pile meant I found things that I should have done. One of which was to buy a book that the nutritionist at the Haven  had recommended. I can imagine this experience for me is similar to what new parents go through. You didn't know the genre existed but once you start looking you're amazed at how much literature there is. It's crazy. So I bought the book I was recommended and checked out! I also had the feeling of how the hell did I get to this section in the bookshop. Keep going. Don't think.

As a post paperwork treat, I went over to have tea with Rachel and Maddie, which was lovely. I know what you're thinking...where's the resting happening...mmn! 

Dinner tonight was Jamie's Salmon with roasted fennel, tomatoes, parsley and lemon. It's so easy to make and a real crowd pleaser...no photo to show but I've got a feeling it's featured on a Sunday night dinner and will do so again. I had vowed not to have any wine, but there are some dishes that a glass of wine is necessary with and this is one of them. A glass of chardonnay is perfect....and even if you don't like chardonnay I bet you would with this dish!


Photo no.342 - beautiful orange blossom...more flowers, more fragrance.

I know I'm turning into an old woman with my plant pictures but I so appreciate the small things such as smelling the blossom...anyone would. It's incredible, so it's fantastic that more and more buds are opening. Fingers crossed for an orange!!! ; )

My mind had gone back to the second opinion quandary. I had a feeling that although I fully respected and ultimately would go with Miss P's view, I just wanted that second dialogue with an expert....so tomorrow I will make that call to see if I can get an appointment at the Marsden. 

Friday 27th June

Song of the day (LH): True colours - Cyndi Lauper
Song of the day (VW): Forever - Haim

Tired.com. So yep, VW you did do too much yesterday. A friendly face came over for a cuppa and commented on how well I was looking. Maggie and Lars also said the same, so clearly my resting had done some good, perhaps I had gone into relaxation mode which was why I was feeling so tired. Who knows! Despite feeling tired my brain was very much alert...tired but wired springs to mind. I spent most of the morning reading, which is nothing I can complain about doing.

I called the consultant's secretary who I wanted to see at the Marsden...unfortunately they're not taking second opinion appointments at the moment. Well that closes that down, as they're the only person I really want to see. Bit annoying but hey that's the way it goes.


Photo no.343 - the bud fully open! Last orange blossom pic....but I'm not going to promise!

I had booked earlier that morning to see Dr Ford for something minor. He was brilliant as always and even apologised for making a comment around me gaining weight last time! I knew he was teasing me so I didn't mind in the slightest. Thought it's true! I'm so sad that he's leaving at the end of July as I would love him to be my GP permanently but I'm not prepared to move to Slough for the pleasure!!!

I walked home after my GP appointment and then my chauffeur, aka nurse Lars, very kindly drove me around town to pick up a few things, including more cherries...it's an addiction but a good one as they're high in vitamin C.

I felt the need to nap before the evening session started. I hopped into bed to really focus on getting a quality sleep in. But you know what, it just didn't happen. My mind was whirring. Not in a stressed way but it just didn't want to switch off. Ok, lets try some guided meditation....nope you don't even work today. Regardless I still got a good amount of pure rest, no electronics, no books, no magazines, just laying there.

Friday night has equivocally become curry night recently and that's exactly what was on the menu tonight, along with company from Kim and Eoin. I wasn't feeling completely myself but it was still a fab night...particularly when we got onto the topic of the song of the day. To accompany my choice today, please find DW's version below...along with the Tina dance this is fairly high up on my list of the funniest things I have seen. I love you DW!xxx

Movie no.1

After dinner, I had the unexpected pleasure of driving my dinner guests to Slough as the trains from Maidenhead were looking pretty dire for some unknown reason. What a delight to drive along the A4 on a Friday evening! ; ) I didn't mind at all as I very much appreciated the efforts of my urbanite friends coming out to the 'sticks' or something like that! A fab evening cut short by trains!xxx

Saturday 28th June


Song of the day (LH): Freak like me - Adina Howard
Song of the day (VW): Fantasy - Earth, Wind and Fire
Song of the day (EH): This train don't stop there anymore - Elton John

Yep, someone else is taking part in the song of the day...the ever delightful Eoin Harty...needless to say the choices will be less than pedestrian. Love you big guy!

Today was the day that has been in the diary since last Christmas....a night with Elton! How we've managed to keep the secret from Rob I do not know. I wished I had sprung more of a surprise on DW but diagnosis made me even more of a blabber mouth.

I had a good lie in and got up even though I was still feeling tired. Hopefully after this last chemo session, I will stop boring you with the words tired, tiredness and tired.com. A quick shower and I went downstairs to say goodbye to the amazing Welinder snr support team...but they had snuck out whilst I was in the shower! D'oh! 

After a relaxing breakfast with my DW, I drove to Odney for a nail refresh. It's so relaxing going there and feels like I've driven a world away, not just 10 minutes down the road. I stayed quite a while after they were finished to minimise any potential smudge incidents! I successfully returned home and thankfully had non eventful nail afternoon...I can't wait to be able to have shellac again so get a perfect non-smudgeable finish...then potentially my nail biting self will return once the chemo is out of my system. 

My afternoon was filled with blog writing, accompanied by listening to Elton John in readiness for the evening. Your Song was the first track to come on and it brought me to tears...'How wonderful life is while you're in the world'....yes it is DW.xxx

A speedy transformation into an Elton outfit, following many texts that afternoon with Ces and Britta deciding what would be good as the weather wasn't look too good, and it was time for Welinder taxis to spring a surprise on Rob! He he he! Ces and I are good at this and it's so much fun planning these evenings. The other one we did was for Rob's 30th!  So Welinder taxi's arrived at Hamilton HQ and gave a toot, toot, with Rocket Man blaring out....around the corner appeared Mr Hamilton...with a beaming smile...you coming to Elton! We sure are!!! Part one of the plan done. 

After a short stop off to pick up car park tickets, grr ticketmaster we didn't need to, we headed to the next part of the plan dinner and meeting up with the rest of our Elton party!


Photo no.344 - surprise....it's an Elton party of 8!

We had a pre Elton dinner at the Red Lion in Stoke Poges with the rest of our crew, Mike & Celia and Dan & Britta. Plan part two, success!

After a good dinner, we drove back to Stoke Park to find our parking place and walk to the main event. Thankfully the boys had done some research, probably to avoid any moaning, and the girls had been told it was a 1.5km walk from the car park. Sensible shoes at the ready! There was such a good feeling and a sense of anticipation on the air. It was brilliant. We had all brought wet weather stuff with us as the concert was outdoors and brollies were not permitted during the performance....fingers crossed it stays dry! Well of course you know what was going to happen....just before the performance kicked off raindrops began to fall...waterproofs at the ready chaps!

Photo no.345 - Hussain Bolt...no, no Dan Lawes in wet weather gear!

Then silence fell....the main man appeared on stage. It was just one man and his piano...how was this going to work?

Photo no.346 - Elton tinkling the ivories.

I have to confess at this point, I'm not the biggest Elton fan. I've survived many a night with Rob and DW crooning Rocket Man and the like but he wouldn't be top of my list. Well that is until this evening. He was incredible. His piano playing was phenomenal using the base line to really give each song amazing depth and rhythm. Hats off to you Mr John!

Photo no.347 - somewhere over the rainbow...

Photo no.348 - hood at the ready...

For whatever reason I really like this photo....a bit self indulgent I know. Check out the grumpy lady behind me.

Photo no.349 - raindrop earring and windscreen wipers needed!

It rained a lot for the first half. Big thank you to Celia for the bin liners as they proved excellent waterproof blankets!

Photo no.350 - a happy DW!

Photo no.351 - Elton and us...

Then as Elton went into I'm Still Standing, the sunshine broke through and the rain stopped...people ripped off their plastic ponchos and such like and the dancing began!

Photo no.352 - the clouds broke...the dancing began!

Photo no.353  - 'Daniel my brother'....

Photo no.354 - Rocket Man burning out his fuse up here alone...

Photo no.355 - Rob giving his fan club a smile!

There were a few pints consumed by the boys...one boy in particular had to nip frequently to the loo, hopping over his seat to get out...at one point he got stuck much to the amusement of the ladies behind who on subsequent trips gave him a hawk eye cheer!!! : )) 

Photo no.356 - B, B, B, Benny and the Jets....Benny, Benny.....

Photo no.357 - the conspirators!!!

As you can probably tell it was an incredible evening. Two hours of Elton later and we were a very happy bunch of slightly damp campers! I would thoroughly recommend seeing Elton when you get a chance, even if you don't think you'll like it, you'll love it, price tag aside!

With spirits high there was time to have a few drinks in the grounds of Stoke Park, which is spectacular. We all wished we had access to the hospitality area as it looked great fun but nonetheless it was time for an Elton debrief! Thankfully the tea stall was still open, as I was the designated driver so needed something to warm me up! 

Photo no.358 - a fairytale walk back to the car

We had a magical walk back to the car, looking to left than at the graveyard to the right, but the fairy lights were so beautiful. Welinder taxi services spurred into action and of course the soundtrack home was the main man himself, EJ, as was sewn on the back of his rather sparkly suit! An absolutely wonderful evening with a great bunch of people! To be repeated! 

Elton track of the night....so hard...I actually liked his blues songs the best as it really showed his flair for improvisation...so up there has to be Philadelphia Freedom (I don't like the album version but live this was incredible), Levon (again I don't really like the recorded version), Believe and of course Rocket Man...though amongst the group Benny and the Jets proved popular! 

I ran a bath when I got back as I felt quite chilly from getting pretty wet and it not being the warmest of summer evenings. It was so relaxing and did the trick! My chest had been feeling tight towards the end of the evening and I had noticed that I had been coughing more than usual. A bedtime temperature check was done...36 degrees exactly...mmn that is on the low side even though I was feeling really warm from the bath. It works the same if my temperature dips low...below 36 degrees and it's a call to the hospital...please, please start going up. DW is great in these situations and really keeps us both calm, even though I think he's worried inside. I read for a bit and checked again. It wasn't going any lower, so time for sleep. Please go up, just a bit.....

Sunday 29th June

Song of the day (VW): This is the life - Amy Macdonald
Song of the day (LH): Hall of fame - The Script feat. will.i.am 
Song of the day (EH): My silver lining - First Aid Kit

Of course the first thing I did this morning was a temperature check. Phew. Back into normal territory of 36.6 degrees. Great. The downside was that I felt robbed of a lie in as I didn't get to sleep until after 2am and then was awake on/ off from 8am. Nevermind, lets crack on with today!

DW had a haircut booked at Chez Stephan. Normally I'd love to go up to Putney with him, but today I decided the sensible, resting approach had to be taken. So I stayed at home....well I took a brief walk into town, as I needed to buy a cover for this...

Photo no.359 - finally the (proud) owners of a parasol.....which means my lounger days will be even better!

Of course now that we've put it up, what happens...yep, grey clouds. Thankfully they've blown away and as I'm writing now, I'm sat in glorious sunshine. Perfect writing position.

After DW returned from his haircut trip we took a walk along the Thames. No Sunday is complete without some sort of walk. 

Photo no.360 - it's going to be a berry good season!

I know it's rather autumnal to think about right now but I love an apple and blackberry crumble. The sweetness of the apple with the sharpness from the blackberry...bliss!

Today I wanted to make the Sunday night dinner a delicious yet straightforward affair...here it is!

Photo no.361 - monkfish & chorizo kebabs with the ultimate greek salad...

It was given a double high five, high praise indeed! A great summer supper, complete with a few toasted pittas on the side.

Photo no.362 - Dessert...BBQ's peaches

Ok, I'm the first to admit that these don't look that great but boy do they taste it...they're truly like nectar from heaven, especially with some ameretti biscuits crumbled over the top! Pucker! ; )

Photo no.363 - this one is for you Maggie W! Colour! Pow! 

So another week, a slightly frustrating one but a week of rest, good food, good company and lots of love, laughter and Elton. The rest was definitely required and despite still having a tiredness feeling, I do feel that my body has had some time back to gain back some strength. I'm keeping everything crossed and touching lots of wood that tomorrow goes ahead...please, please, please! I need to have this crossed off the chart, though I'm petrified about entering the next phase.

A big thank you to the Welinders Snr for coming over and looking after us last week, it was greatly appreciated. Another big thank you to everyone who helped me in a chemo session last week whether you were in the room or on remote standby or at the end of a phone line. I know it was frustrating and I hope to god that tomorrow goes ahead. The most love goes as always to DW...thank you. Right time for a bit of TV and the bed. Come on white cells, come on!!! xxx

Week 15 - I'm blogging crazy!

Monday 16th June

Song of the day (LH): Dance wiv me - Dizzee Rascal feat Calvin Harris & Chrome

Happy birthday Tim!

After the festivities of the day before, I guess it was no surprise that I was tired.com. DaW let me sleep in so walked to the station. I always feel guilty when he does this but equally I know there are days when he does this intentionally to allow me to sleep. I think today was one of those. I slept until 10 in the end, those extra few hours made a world of difference. 

I had a phone chat with B over reconstruction. It seems that everyone she has met has had reconstruction at the same time as the mastectomy and they've proceeded a few weeks later with radiotherapy. I don't know, it's such a minefield. What I do know is that the medics are the specialists in the disease/ treatment and I'm a specialist in me. Tricky business. Whilst chemo isn't pleasant, it's a temporary process with temporary consequences in terms of hair etc. Whereas surgery is permanent. No going back. B suggested getting a second opinion, which wasn't a bad call. She's being treated at the Marsden and recommended someone there. Given that it's one of the best cancer hospitals in the country it felt like a good choice. After our chat I called Axa....whilst the specialist recommended was recognised by them, it was not by my particular policy. What frustrates me when you talk to them is that they don't give you the option to make a top up a payment, something that following other conversations is a possibility rather than having to pay the full fees. I decided to email a contact at work to see if they could talk to Axa. What to do? Should I, shan't I? Mmn, I decided to wait until after my oncology appointment that afternoon to see what Dr Davis and Jane's views were.

The more pressing issue was updating my blog! I was conscious that the previous week had been filled with birthday fun, team days etc, so I was really behind in terms of posts. So I knew it was going to be a week of blogging. With a bit of pressure it's slightly less fun to write but shut and plough on! 

Aside from my Mum popping in with washing, I spent the day on my own. I felt exhausted. So I blogged and did a bit of work but I could tell my heart was in neither.

I picked up Ces at 4pm, as she had kindly agreed to come with for my oncology appointment. Dr Davis is fab, she tells me how things are pretty unequivocally but it's packaged in a more light hearted approach. I really like her and trust her judgement. I guess that's good. We went through my notes (only 1 page!), of post chemo symptoms, all of which were to be expected. She even grabbed my notebook at one stage as she couldn't believe I had so little written down! Progress! The conversation then moved into the reconstruction discussion from Friday. Dr Davis' view in support of having reconstruction post radiotherapy to get the best medical outcome. She didn't go into the ins and outs of things but she said it would be easier to administer and thus have a better chance of success. She felt that 2 years was cautious and she knew of surgeons that would do reconstruction 6 months post radiotherapy. Her advice was potentially to wait around the year mark. Ok, this sounds more sensible. In essence though the message was clear from her that reconstruction post radiotherapy was the preferred medical route. Hmm. Dr Davis and Jane were supportive of a second opinion and Jane knew of several cases being transferred to the Marsden. Tricky.

The best news of the appointment was confirmation that my hair was growing back! That's right folks! Over the weekend I had asked DW if the fluff on the top of my head had been there for a while/ during previous chemo cycles. He said no, he felt it was new. I didn't want to get too excited and wanted to confirm with Dr Davis, so it was a real boost when she said it was growing back! The difficult bit is now looking to cut of the bits that never went so that the hair grows back consistently. No rush, but I'll need to do this sooner rather than later. Not something I'm looking forward to, even though I know it'll be the right thing in the long run! 

We walked down the corridor with Jane to see if we could book my last MRI/ CT. The office was closed but it gave some time to have a quick chat with her and her thoughts. Rightly she emphasised the tailor made treatment plan point and also the fact that if I get a second opinion and it's drastically different from what I'm currently being advised...then what? All fair points. The bit that was reassuring was her showing where the mastectomy scar would be. Thank goodness it won't be visible, as it's underneath the current boob. We also agreed that it would be good to have a Jane session to discuss all of the surgery chats so far and also talk practicalities (bras/ prosthetics etc). 

On the way home, Ces and I had a good debrief. In some ways seeing Dr Davis I had got my second opinion. Yes, of course she'll have discussed things with Miss P but she did also give a slightly different perspective. Plus she didn't just focus on the word, recurrence. I felt better after this appointment and was pretty sure that I would accept what I had been told and focus on that. 6 months or 2 years, it doesn't make too much of a difference. The only difference would be if I had both operations at the same time ahead of radiotherapy. Mmn......

As Ces has got one arm in a cast at the moment, it's tricky for her to tie her hair up. At one stage on the way back she suddenly exclaimed "oh my god my hair's falling out', quickly followed by a sorry that was so inappropriate. I didn't mind, it was just hilarious!!!

I was absolutely shattered by the time I got home and this continued into the evening. Some sofa snoozing was required and then bedtime. Good night.xxx


Tuesday 17th June

Song of the day (LH): See the day - Dee C.Lee
Song of the day (VW): Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

Note around VW's song of the day....this is potentially my all time favourite song. I love Stevie Nicks' voice and the drums. Beautiful.

Still tired.com and I even got another lie in thanks to DW. The morning was spent blogging even though my head was hurting...time for some paracetamol. I headed into work at lunchtime, though probably should have stayed at home. It's a difficult balance sometimes, as seeing people really does energise me. Going into the office, can be a bad decision though for the waistline. Today's fabulous Debbie creation was an orange and passionfruit cake for Helen's birthday. Amazing. Of course!

I had meetings all afternoon, just as well really as I don't think I would have achieved much else. A lovely email came in from Charlie Mayfield in response to my email that I had sent the previous day to inform him of our partnership race for life team and to formally thank Debbie, Ian and the Home BU for being so amazing. DG I know you think it was cringey but I wanted to formally recognise how amazing you've been! : ))

After work I headed to Odney, as I needed to get my nails done. When I say needed to, I really did as I couldn't bear the sound of my nails clicking on the keys. I got there and had a good natter with Clae before Anna arrived to get her nails painted. To ensure we didn't smudge our lovely nails, we went for a quick drink to allow the nails to dry a bit more. Odney in the summer is so beautiful, it was a shame it was a bit nippy to sit outside.

Photo no.300 - post manicure glass of vino!

Photo no.301 - gorgeous nails!

It was a really lovely evening, one to be repeated inclusive of food!

When I got home, I found out some news from a friend. All I'm going to say is that at times this world is so cruel, causing pain for those who least deserve it and my heart really reaches out to them. 

A tired and melancholy lady...time for bed. DW often surprises me. He's a man of if you want something, get it yourself. This evening when I was getting ready for bed, he brought a bottle of water up for me. I hadn't asked. Simple gestures such as these mean the world, as you know that person really cares. Really, really. 


Wednesday 18th June

Song of the day (LH): Hey ya - Outkast
Song of the day (VW): Finally - CeCe Peniston

Woohoo! VW is back in the zone! So, as you can tell I was feeling good. In fact, today I realised how run down I had felt the past couple of days. 

I had a great yoga/ meditation session with Davinder. That hour is just bliss. It's great to be transported elsewhere. 

After this I picked up Ces and we went to Marlow, as I needed to take back the sunnies I had ordered before I knew DW had bought my some for my birthday. I hate shops with a 14 days return policy as it often catches you out! Thankfully, I remembered about taking these back in the nick of time!

Feeling good, hayfever aside, I had productive afternoon at work, so much so I stayed a lot later than planned. Sometimes these things happen and it's best just to go with the flow. On the way home I popped into see someone. I could see their heart had been broken. So cruel. They will be ok in time, as time does heal, corny but true. But I wish so much so that the situation hadn't never arisen and that a huge hug would make it all better. Sometimes things are more complicated. 

Staying later at work meant that my evening home alone had been eaten into. It's rare that I have an evening on my own, especially when I'm not being babysat. So I was relishing some time on my own. However, after picking up some food, I got a text from DW saying that he was nearly at the station and I could pick him up. D'oh! I can't complain it was nice having him home but soon I will have an evening of V time! I had also planned to write some more blog but that was not to be. Recognise when you need some time out! 

Thursday 19th June

Song of the day (LH): Heaven must be missing an angel - Tavares
Song of the day (VW): Ain't no love, ain't no use - Sub Sub

Ah hello tiredness, you've decided to make a reappearance. VW you might have overdone it yesterday. I'm terrible at judging when to stop when I'm feeling good. Something to work on.

The morning was spent blog, blog, blogging away! I finally felt that I was in control and I would make my target of being up to date by Sunday...here's hoping! 

I went into work and was just starting to feel like I was getting back into the swing of things...but oh yep, next week I'm being boshed so that'll be done for a week. It can be so frustrating but I've got my focussed sorted for my next work stint so that felt good. 

Today I was pondering about surgery again. Partly as I had received an email from B, saying that she knew of 5 people who had followed the same treatment pattern as me (chemo - surgery - radio) and they had all had reconstruction done at the same time as surgery. It's tough reading these emails as I know her intentions are good but there is a lot of individuality in the cases so it's tricky to know these 5 cases are comparable. I don't know the ins and outs of their cases so there could be a good reason why I can't. Maybe I just need some more clarity from my surgeon. Who knows. I really can't decide what's right and what's wrong. In my heart I think Miss P is right so maybe I should just go with that.......

It timed out well that I picked DW up from the station so that we could arrive home together. Tonight's dinner was the roasted chicken salad that you've seen on several occasions. I had been organised enough to defrost some chicken from the butcher. This made a world of difference as it was so succulent! DW decided wine was required this evening so we tried a Brazilian wine for the first time. It was good, so one to try!

Photo no.302 - Brazilian wine time!

My mum popped in with some ironing that she had done for us and joined us for a glass of wine. My Dad had mentioned about coming over as well but the football was on so no chance! I know his priorities! ; ) DW kept running up and downstairs to check on the score...1-0 Urguguay...1-1...2-1 Uruguay....England you may have some fantastic players but perhaps you need some more passion and team playing...plus you've really got to want it! This was so evident on the Uruguayan players' faces.

Bedtime couldn't have come soon enough....zzzzzz!

Friday 20th June

Song of the day (LH): Let me down easy - Paolo Nutini
Song of the day (VW): You and me song - The Wannadies 

So I got some jip for my choice of song today. I like it, it's upbeat and the chorus is great. Having said that, credit where credit is due LH's song of the day is pretty good and made me have a morning listening to Paolo Nutini. Aside from his new shoes, I knew little of his work, so actually it was great exploration into something new. I also need to give a big thank you at this point. LH never fails to send me a song each day, something I really appreciate and look forward to receiving everyday...I'm not sure if he's read the bit about reconstruction not happening for a couple of years.....!

A quick hour of blogging required and I was pretty much where I wanted to be. So that felt like a huge relief. 

I headed up to the Haven late morning as I had a Healing session booked and also my mid review. Remarkably for me I got there pretty early and was feeling good about that until I got to the car park at Fulham Broadway and was told that only 1 floor was open so it was 1 in, 1 out...great! Thankfully I waited a few minutes and I was let in. Phew. Street parking is all well and good but not when you don't know how long you're going to be.

Ros was doing my Healing session. I had met her previously for my Bach Flower remedies session. It's nice to see a familiar face. I've never had a Healing session before so it was all new to me. It started off with some gentle breathing exercises to relax. Then visualisation, which I had to imagine walking through a meadow, the birds singing, a beautiful clear blue sky, going into a narrower path into a circle of trees. In the middle of the circle was a giant crystal which I had to step into. This was my safe place during the Healing. For the first part of the visualisation, I imagined I was in Richmond in the meadows alongside the river. Then it changed to path in a field in Turville. When it got to the crystal part I couldn't for whatever reason visualise the circle of trees, so I jumped to the crystal. Mine was a large clear teardrop shaped crystal, with the point at the top. It was fluid so I could get in easily. I was tiny, a bit like in Alice in Wonderland where she drinks the various potions. There I stayed during the Healing, well aside from the moments where my mind wandered off. It was a really good experience. Aside from light pressure being put on my feet, shoulders and head, the rest of the Healing was done without touching me. Slightly surreal at times and I did take a couple of peeks to see what was going on. 

At the end of the Healing, we had a debrief. Apparently my energy is warm and soft. She noted that I had been creative when I was younger and I should not ignore this as this sits firmly at my core and is something that nourishes me. More flute playing required then. My will is strong, so I will complete whatever I set my mind to, even if this is not a natural preference in terms of what I'm doing. Interesting. Overall my energy colour was thought to be orange but with some yellow. The best part was when I was asked to describe the type of circle and crystal that I had visualised. As I said I couldn't depict a circles but once I had visualised my crystal the circle of trees became clear and I saw a maze type of hedge, it was as if my crystal was in the centre of the maze. My crystal turned out to be the purest type but Ros couldn't help laughing about the maze hedges (yew hedges I believe), in that she felt I had made it a lot harder for myself than I had needed to. I could have just pictured a simple circle of trees with no boundaries and complexity. But oh no I had to go for the maze! I find these things fascinating and do believe that help. The aim of the session if for the healer to restore the balance of the chakra's and direct positive energy to me. I will definitely take some of that please! Feeling nourished and calm, I headed out for some lunch. Of course you know where I went.....I was in need of some juice, though I have to say if I'd have had more time I would have ventured down to Local hero deli in Parson's Green.

Photo no.303 - burrito lunch...amazing!

After lunch, I met Sonia for my mid review. The Haven sets up these reviews to see how you're getting on with the therapies being offered. I should have had it with Nadia but for whatever reason this was not to be. It was good meeting someone new and having a chat through things with them and get their thoughts from the various people they meet. I talked around the surgery debate and she didn't see anything wrong with what was being proposed and didn't exert a view that it was an outdated way to treat my disease or that surgery and recon together would be a better route. We decided that for my remaining credits (it's like being back at university), I would have another couple of Healing sessions as you feel the most benefit from this type of therapy if you have more than one. 

The Haven is absolutely a haven. So I felt so refreshed having spent quite a few hours there. The sofa area is a great place to relax with a peppermint tea, though at some point it would be nice if the building work outside would stop! Apparently they've been working on it for 3 years, so it must nearly be finished!

I drove up to Daniel's office to drop the car off and then did something I extremely rarely do...hailed a joe le taxi! It felt so indulgent! My destination, JL Oxford St, though I got out by Claridges and walked from there as I have become so lazy, so time on my feet was needed! The aim of JL visit....to review the sunnies that DW had bought me for my birthday, as I thought the ones he had bought, as nice as they were, were potentially too large for my face! So here goes...

Photo no.304 - alternative #1

Photo no.305 - alternative #2...these are the same as the ones that DW bought me but in purple..perhaps still a bit big!

Photo no.306 - alternative #3...the same as #1 but in brown with polarised lenses.

I find it so hard choosing these type of things, so I pinged photos over to DW left, right and centre to get his view. In the end I had tried on about 5 pairs and decided that alternatives 1 and 3 were the best but I wasn't sure regarding colour, to took both so DW could help me decide! In the end the verdict was the brown ones, I hope you approve!

After sunglass gate, I then spent over half an hour on the phone to AXA. Someone from work had kindly called them to see what could be done about potentially going to the Marsden for a second opinion. Friday afternoon is often not the best time for these types of conversations, as people have left for the weekend etc. In end after I finally got the message across that I wasn't going to the Marsden on Monday they were going to look into any whether I could go and just pay any shortfall. After the phone call though I had an email from the lady at work saying that Axa would pay for a consultation...result! Now I just need to decide whether I still want to do it or not....so difficult! I also got to the bottom of the work policy situation. It turns out that the new scheme is also new to Axa, which means that not all consultants have signed up to. Apparently Miss P hasn't either but for the time being they are honouring this until next April. Phew but what happens in 2 years....I guess deal with this later. 

After a much needed cup of tea, DW picked me up and we headed to Chiswick for birthday dinner #2 at La Trompette with two of my favourite ladies! A speedy change and head dress shift and we were good to go. I had been really looking forward to this as the menu looked awesome, I just hoped I wouldn't be disappointed. So here's what I had!


Photo no.307 - to begin...thinly sliced and grilled octopus with brandade beignets, fennel, cuttlefish, tarama and gremolata - nice but not amazing.

Photo no.308 -  our wine of choice...unusual combo of grapes but it really worked.

Photo no.309 - Fillet of Cornish turbot with herb gnocchetti, grilled asparagus, girolles and parmesan - good but not mind glowingly good and as my dear friend Eoin Harty would say, the portion was a little small!

Photo no.310 - fromage! This is something I do regret not taking advantage of potentially one of the most amazing cheese boards I've seen...it took about 10 minutes for the waiter to explain it!

Photo no.311 - Rhubarb crumble soufflé with rhubarb ripple ice cream....this was pretty incredible....to go with it I had a glass of Portuguese Rose dessert wine, which was delicious.

So a good dinner, not amazing and potentially not a revisit considering the bill, as it was 
£££ but a fab evening with DW and my favourite Chiswick dwellers! Love you ladies! Big thank you to my chauffeur. xxx


Saturday 21st June

Song of the day (LH): Hideaway - Kiesza
Song of the day (VW): Jamming - Bob Marley & the Wailers

It's the weekend so a lie in would be nice...of course that didn't happen. Whenever you crave this it doesn't happen, so instead I decided to get up and have a relaxing bath. Various bath oils/ salts in, check. Spa music, check. Listening to the boys next door run around...boo! There is always a period around 9-10 where there is a hive of neighbour active on a Saturday morning, enough to make you give up on a lie, and then after this time it all goes quiet. I would love it if this could shift to say 11-12....but hey I don't think I've got a say!

Instead we had a lovely lazy morning with breakfast outside, reading some magazines and enjoying the sunshine (Benedryl at the ready!). Some chore time was required so many washing loads/ some obligatory tidying etc and then we headed to the butcher to get the weekend meat! 

Photo no.312 - beautiful flowers from two beautiful ladies complete with a birthday gift taking me to the open air opera in Chiswick. I can't wait! Thank you so much!!! xxx

Photo no.313 - a sign for a dating website...nope, that'll be my butcher's sign!

I have bored you with tears about how impressive I think this butcher is, so I won't bother today but all I'll say is check out Lewis of Sunningdale. 

DW and I have been debating for a while whether we should get a second car. I've found our new car heavy to drive and simple things such as closing the boot really pull on my arms. Many of you will have known for ages that I've wanted a Fiat 500 convertible. My dream was fulfilled temporarily a few years ago in Sweden when we got one for a hire car but I've still longed for my own. With surgery coming up I won't be able to drive for a couple of weeks but given how I find the Giulietta to drive, I think this will delay this further. So on a sunny summer's day we decided to take a test drive and find out some options for the Fiat 500C!

Photo no.314 - DW's dream car...Barbie pink!

We discussed various options with Abb, who had sold the Giulietta to us back in January. We went away with different proposals to consider. We'll see.......fingers crossed! ; ))

Back home, it was blog time for me...it's a 7 day a week job at the moment! Time fly back and it was not long before we needed to drive to Hamilton HQ for a BBQ! Gourmet burgers, yep. Pork and apple sausages, yep. Boerewors, yep. Chicken skwers, yep. Good to go!!! 

It was a brilliant evening in the Hamilton garden and another fantastic dinner outside, complete with many sneezes! Dan and Britta had joined us, which was great. DW had requested they bring Kubb, so we had a girls vs boys tournament. As Ces had to play left handed, Rob did the gentlemanly thing and also played with his left hand. Although I'm a leftie, I actually played with my right hand...petanque playing days coming in handy!!! It was so much fun and good to be playing with someone who knew the rules.

Photo no.315 - the Kubb court...play in action..complete with a boogie pose from Dan!

Photo no.316 - a different view of the Kubb court, complete with mini Stonehenge towers...one day we'll play together and it'll all become clear!

The boys won, 2 games to 1 with DW throwing the final baton in a rather blasé way. Next time the girls will be triumphant!!!

A wonderful summer's evening...thanks Mr & Mrs Hamilton for your amazing hospitality and Mr and Mrs Lawes for your company and Kubb! xxx

Sunday 22nd June

Song of the day (LH): OPP - Naughty By Nature
Song of the day (VW): Represent - Orishas

My song choice today, takes me back to my Friday nights about 10 years ago, I can't believe it was so long ago, when DW, Kim and I used to frequent a Cuban bar on Wardour Street, which served the best cocktails and had a pretty impressive cigar menu. I don't know why but I love the smell of cigars. The bar was great as above each table was an extractor fan, so you experienced the wonderful smell without having the smell sunken into your attire. Sadly, this place still exists but just isn't the same since the smoking ban. They always used to play this song and I absolutely love it. Happy Friday nights!

I woke up at 9am, disgruntled about the lack of a lie in once more but oh no what was this....after falling asleep once more it was midday! Woohoo! But also argh!!! I've got lots to do today.

It was too hot to eat breakfast on the terrace, as after midday it's the warmest sun trap, so breakfast inside today. We decided a walk along the Thames was required so parked in Remenham and strolled along the path into Henley. It was busy.....Henley Women's Regatta (Neil I will always think of you whenever I say regatta now!) was on. There was such a good atmosphere, with the tow path filled with supporters. In many ways it was so much nicer than the infamous Henley Men's Regatta that takes place at the beginning of July, as most people were there to support a team rather than a jug of Pimm's!

Photo no.317 - Coot-lings on the Thames!

Photo no.318 - go ladies!!!

Photo no.319 - a quintessential river shot...boats on the Thames. Wonderful.

Photo no.320 - new sunnies selfie!

Though hot, we had a great walk and it was fantastic to soak up the atmosphere of today's river life. It seems whenever we go there is always something different to see, whether it be a seasonal change or a championship race. 

Back at home it was time to bake some banana bread for tomorrow's chemo session. We have promised Regina cake and cake is exactly what she's going to get! Debbie is baking a date and walnut cake and I've gone for a straight forward, no frills big on flavour banana bread. We'll see if either of them impress her tomorrow!!!

After baking, it was blog time for me but tonight I was allowed a glass of vinho. Thank you to the Smith's for this bottle. It was absolutely brilliant!

Photo no.321 - I blog, therefore I drink (and eat Kettle chips).

On medical grounds (increased iron consumption), sirloin steak was on tonight's dinner agenda. I made the Pitt Cue & Co rub, now a BBQ essential in our household. 

Photo no.322 - the meat chef!

Photo no.323 - not bad....

Photo no.324 - a panzanella salad for accompaniment.

Photo no.325 - a happy DW with a good dinner & wine.

A great dinner. This steak is the absolute best. Hawksmoor/ Gaucho, this is steak.

After dinner we sat by the still warm BBQ and enjoyed the warm summer's evening. I even BBQ'd a peach for dessert, which was absolutely scrumptious.

Photo no.326 - happiness is tea lights.

What a week! Thankfully another good one filled with much love and laughter. Slightly more sneezing than is required thanks to the pollen count. Tomorrow is my last chemo session. I've got mixed feelings going into tomorrow. I hope that my blood count means that it can actually go ahead, as there's always that feeling of will it, won't it happen. After tomorrow we launch into a new post chemo era. Of course it's positive but it will be slightly weird coming out of our lives being controlled by a three week cycle. All for the better but some adjustment to be made. I'm still unsure what to do about gaining a second opinion for surgery. DW seems content to go ahead as planned so perhaps this is the right option. We'll see what the chat with Jane holds tomorrow morning. As always thanks to everyone who has shared my week with me, in particular, Ces who has been incredibly supportive and listened to many a surgery conversation. DW we enter a new chapter after tomorrow. Hurrah and it's only 4 weeks until we go to the seaside! Yay! Right time to sign off. After all a girl needs her pre chemo sleep! Much love. xxx