A brave new world...week 1

Monday 27th October

Song of the day (LH): There'll you be - Faith Hill
Song of the day (VW): Like a rolling stone - Bob Dylan

Let the sunshine! Wow summer had semi-returned! A late breakfast sat out on the terrace in the sunshine, amazing! Plus the sunshine could start to work on lightening my hair up! Come on, please!!! It was so sunny that I realised I needed to cover my neck, as the skin in this area was probably still sensitive...so a scarf was donned! 

Photo no.711 - Mr Able's challenge....romansesco broccoli! 

Once the sun dipped, it was fairly chilly so I decided to take a walk to 'guinea pig' island. Nature's colours are so incredible this time of the year....it's hard not to feel happy as you walk.

Photo no.712 - autumn leaves!

Photo no.713 - A new dinner favourite....this evening I tried it with lightly smoked salmon. Winner! 

Even if this doesn't appeal to you, I'd really recommend roasting carrots with cumin seeds and garlic...I'm not a carrot fun but cooked like this they're amazing!

A really good day! Healing for the mind, body and soul! More days like this please....

Tuesday 28th October

Song of the day (LH): Town called malice - The Jam
Song of the day (VW): Back to life - Soul II Soul

The sun has got his hat on! This is great hair lightening weather, keep it coming!

Photo no.714  - my sun deck view!

Today I finished Radical Remissions. From talking to a few of you, there has been some 'concern' over my reaction to this book. One thing that I read today is certainly true...for a cancer patient the two scariest moments are firstly being diagnosed and the second is finishing treatment with the what if monkey clinging onto your shoulder....technically I'm lucky to be able to say that medically I should be cancer free but you know those pesky cancer cells could be lurking somewhere where a scan can't pick them up from...until they unite they can't be seen...but you know what equally I've got to focus on the fact that hopefully they were all zapped away and that there isn't anything there...but that monkey will be there for a while and at times will feel like a gorilla and others a marmoset.

Tonight's culinary offering....

Photo no.715 - risotto primavera...a VW mashup of several recipes! 

Wednesday 29th October

Song of the day (LH): Sunchyme - Dario G
Song of the day (VW): Virtual Insanity - Jamiroquai

Goodbye sunshine, hello rain! Still a good day to blog away! I'm feeling more positive about the future...I've been approaching this going back to 'normal' phase with some trepidation. I don't know why, as it should be the best phase of all...I guess for me bigger questions are creeping up...what should I do with my life? Big question and something that we don't often stop to pause on...when you do...it's blimin hard! It also feels like you can't escape the cancer word...from watching Mad Men, to bus stop ads, even Boots advertise for macmillan on the side of their prescription bags the c word is everywhere! 

Today I got quite cross. A guy from cancer research called to basically get me to sign up to a direct debit and offer continual support...well that was the essence of the call after he had gone through what their current research project entailed, how much money was needed to keep it going and finally how much the professional fundraising company got paid....at this point I was livid! I mentioned fairly early on in the call what I had experienced this year...so this patronising pr*ck kept referring back to how grateful I should be and how it can be even better for others if I could give £10 per month...I got to breaking point and said that if the purpose of the call was to get me to sign up then I didn't want to...and on and on he went until I basically hung up...These people are being paid, I know we all need to earn money but I was offended on many fronts...firstly, I know first hand how important the research work is so don't patronise me, secondly don't guilt me into this...thankfully I can afford his suggested contribution but many others can't and potentially will be bullied into doing something they can't afford...thirdly, I had had missed calls from this number several times over the week...I feel like I've been hounded. Anyway...rant over. 

Photo no.716 - beautiful form and colour!

Years ago, the ever wonderful Kim, gave me the Wagamama cookbook. So far there is only one thing I've made from it and it remains the case...the Wagamama house dressing...it's my favourite!!! Reflecting on the food journey, I've decided to fall into the flexitarian camp...basically making the call for some meat/ fish free days but not omitting them completely from the diet. Decision made...for now!

Photo no.717 - king prawn salad with the ultimate dressing!

I think I've mentioned and shown you the impact of the radiotherapy rays on my shoulder. For up to a week after, it can get worse....


Photo no.718 - red hot shoulder!!!

Though really, I've got off very lightly from a skin aspect so no complaints! 

Thursday 30th October

Song of the day (LH): The boy is mine - Brandy & Monica
Song of the day (VW): Just the way you are - Billy Joel

Sleep, sleep, sleep....under 10 hours is just not enough! ; ) 

This afternoon I had a river walk along the Thames in Marlow...the sunset was spectaular. I find walking along the river a good place to clear the mind and enjoy the serenity of the space.


Photo no.719 - tree silhouette sunset...

Today was successful as I finally managed to get a blog post done...Wonderland I really do need to apologise for my commitment to you not being tip top! I guess real life has been getting in the way!

This evening, Kim and I went to Pho for some noodles! It's a small Vietnamese restaurant chain and is well worth seeking out if you're in London. A perfect dinner! Followed by... Photo no.720 - flowering jasmine tea...so beautiful

Friday 31st October

Song of the day (LH): Hungry like the wolf - Duran Duran
Song of the day (VW): Beautiful - Snoop Dogg

Today has been an amazing day filled with amazing people and lots of love. I feel the most energised for a long, long time...I'm clearly a solar powered person and need others energy to kick me into motion! 

The first amazing person I saw today was Gwynedd for a boob check in! You may remember post surgery this was a regular Friday activity but once the apron strings were cut I've made it solo for a while. However, I wanted to check in with her to see what she thought post radiotherapy. I'm proud to say that I was told that I had one of the best looking post radiotherapy boobs that she had seen...quite an accolade!!! ; ) We then had a chat about watch outs for the future....liver, lungs and bones are the major ones to keep an eye on. The next topic was when was I planning to go back to work. Apparently I should have taken 2-3 months off post surgery...mmn no wonder my heart wasn't fully into going back to work in September. The advise of today was to take the rest of the year off to fully heal and return to work in January. January seemed a way away but you know what, for once I'm going to follow this advice and take the time out. Gwynedd also thanked me for seeing one of her patients a few weeks ago to give pre surgery reassurance, apparently it really transformed this lady's surgical journey. : ) It was such a simple thing for me to do, so I've offered to do more in the future. One of the key words for me this year has been reassurance. So if I can help anyone else going through something similar by flashing my boob and giving a few hints and tips, then I'm very happy to do so as just a 5 minute chat can make all the difference. Time to say goodbye and have a legendary Gwynedd hug, they're the best!

Time for lunch with B! It was so lovely to catch up and have a good chat about how the last bits of treatment have gone. Interestingly B was finding radiotherapy as isolating and lonely as I had. She also said that a few others that she knew felt the same. I guess everyone assumes you're on the final hurdle so you're nearly back on track, so time to venture out on your own once more....my top piece of advice for radiotherapy is take someone with you for each session. It would make the world of difference. Still, thankfully for now that chapter is closed for me. Yay! : ) I then discussed with B about going back to work in January and it was no surprise that she endorsed Gwynedd's view...'you can be a lady of pleasure'! oh oops...leisure'! So a lady of pleasure and leisure I shall be!

Next stop was physio with Kate. It seems that the radiotherapy has really tightened up the cording so definitely more work to be done here. Though she agreed with Gwynedd's best boob vote! ; )

The final appointment of the day was my initial appointment with the genetics team. This is a bit of a mine field as the results of this can potentially affect quite a few people. Thankfully DW was with me at the appointment to take all of the information in. Essentially the reason for the appointment was to kick off some testing to see whether I carry a BRCA gene mutation. If positive, it means I would need to make decisions around the future of the my other boob and ovaries. Although early on it seemed that this might be unlikely for me, particularly as only 5% of breast cancers are genetic, I later found out that one of my maternal cousins is BRCA positive and so is her daughter. She had believed that the mutation had been passed down from her father's side (no biological link to me) but this may not be the case....Much of the appointment was spent running through the family history information that I had sent. So given the fact that I have a BRCA positive blood relation and my age being relatively young to get breast cancer, I'm a prime candidate for testing. You're probably wondering at this stage what the test involved? A simple blood test. I was asked if I wanted to consult with my mum before having the test. I didn't need to. I knew she would want me to take the test to find out. It may have implications for her, as if I'm a positive match to my cousins mutation then it automatically means my mum will be positive so may want to consider some decisions. If I don't match my cousins mutation then as both of my grandmothers died of cancer in old age, then I may well still be tested for any mutations. So we'll see. So off I went for a blood test...even though I've had countless 'sharp scratches' this year, I still don't like them. I guess does like a sharp metal object going in their arm but although I don't faint anymore it's not something I'm particularly comfortable with. 

My gut is saying that the result will be negative.....so who knows! I'll find out more on 12th December when I receive my results. All I can say is that if it's positive then I'm ready for action...ie another 'boob job' and potentially the removal of my ovaries at some stage.  This will sound very strange but if the result is positive then it almost gives me an answer to the why did it happen question...a negative response would be preferred though so lets  wish for that!

Having your health is one of the most underrated in treasures in life. I know I took mine for granted, I didn't even think about. So if you are healthy, keep looking after yourself...it's far more precious than you may realise.

Saturday 1st November

Song of the day (LH): She's got that vibe - R Kelly
Song of the day (VW): Cheek to cheek - Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga

Hello November! You'll be my first month since January with no treatment planned. Hurrah!!! It feels slightly strange that there are no hoops to jump through this month bar trying to ensure the pesky cancer cells remain firmly away.

Saturday lunch....

Photo no.721 - 'made up' on toast....courgette, leek and plum tomatoes on toast! Splash of balsamic vinegar...boom!

It's that time of year when we celebrate a guy, called Guy, who tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament many centuries ago. We headed to a local display with the Hamiltons, including Harrison who firmly knew where the best place to stay was... under the canopy of his buggy...

Photo no.722 - bang! ooh! bang! ooh!

Sunday 2nd November

Song of the day (LH): You & I - John Legend
Song of the day (VW): So good - Chris Malinchak

Sleep, sleep, sleep...you are still very much required in abundance!!! Night sweats are still claiming some of my precious sleep time. Hopefully you'll be going soon once my body is used to the tamoxifen effects.

Sunday. Walk time. Richmond Park...beautiful.

Photo no.723 - sunshine through the autumn leaves...

Photo no.724 - can you spot the deer?

 Photo no.725 - river sunset at Richmond 

So you met tonight's dinner key ingredient on Monday courtesy of Mr Able's delivery...

Photo no.726 - romanesco lets go!

Photo no.727 - Monkfish with romanesco broccoli & spring onions (or scallions as our US friends call them!)

An average Sunday night dinner...I'm feeling a bit bland and so was this dish. Still there are many ingredients out there to add interest and flavour...further exploration required for feasts and life! 

Love, peace, health & happiness to you all.
xxx

The radiotherapy sessions...week 4....the finale!

Monday 20th October

Song of the day (LH): Say you love me - Jessie Ware
Song of the day (VW): (I can't get no) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones

Woah a wobble day....plus it's the 20th of the month and we all know this is my less favoured day of the month. Still only 3 radio sessions to go! Boo to not being fully on board the positivity train...I need to perk myself up! I guess getting to the end of the treatment marathon, energy reserves are less in terms of feeling emotionally tip top all of the time. 

Some lethargy had kicked in, potentially linked to the grey day outside as well. My mind seems to be flitting from thing to thing, nothing important, I can't focus on any one thing at a time. Plus it sadly seems that my cooking mojo has been lost. Tonight's dinner for the Welinder seniors was not great. I do love Madhur Jaffrey's fish curries from Curry Easy but the chicken ones are all so disappointing. I was so disappointed that no photos were taken and that's not like me! 

Lets try again tomorrow!

Tuesday 21st October

Song of the day (LH): I just can't stop loving you - Michael Jackson
Song of the day (VW): Hazard - Richard Marx

Yoga start to the day...bliss. Good start so far!

Time for the penultimate zap....some more radio pics...

Photo no.684 - just lie back and think of England! ; )

Photo no.685 -  working on my tan!

Photo no.686 - laser-tastic!

Photo no.687 - it would have been fun to have been spun around!

Photo no.688 - I'm on TV!

Photo no.689 - red alert...keep out!

Photo no.690 - the wonderful Bracknell team!

Photo no.691 - underneath the beam...for one position this was my view!

Photo no.692 - 'Beam off'...the view straight ahead from the bed

Photo no.693 - time to go!

Mentally I'm finding the end of treatment quite tough, playing catch up. Tomorrow will be the last zap and tamoxifen aside the last bit of physical treatment. No checks, no grand finale, just free to go. I guess I have to assume that all is well, though a scan or two wouldn't go amiss for reassurance. I've found the simple task of gaining reassurance to be one of the best medicines. As I've never felt ill from the cancer per se, the harsh, at times treatment regime is a reminder to show how punishing it is on the body and soul. So perhaps now's the time to give the body and soul the time they need to heal.

Although I've found reading Radical Remission fascinating, I'm finding myself putting pressure on me. To change to a vegan, no refined sugar, no alcohol lifestyle sounds simple on the one hand but on the other it is a huge shift from my current, pretty healthy diet. It's not like being gluten intolerant...ie. if I ate some bread my body would immediately react so that I could see the impact. I could change to this new lifestyle, feel pretty miserable and be fine. Or I could retain the belief that everything will be ok as I have done throughout this year, make some minor dietary changes and be happy....mmn....happiness is....

As the Bach flower lady predicted, I think I suffer from clown syndrome...making out that everything is fine, even to DW, when actually I'm feeling pretty low. I know the only person I'm kidding is myself so I need to let it out but somehow I don't want to. It seems strange to be feeling low when the end of treatment light is starting to glow. 

Time to cheer up! Rachel and I took Maddie to feed the ducks...so therapeutic. Then the pesky seagulls showed up...so it became a bit of a game to watch them catching bread in mid air. Poor ducks! I did like the thought of one lady duck who decided to get out of the water and come closer to us...she was rewarded for her ingenuity! 

Photo no.694 - Steven the seagull!

Photo no.695 - one pack down....119 to go!

I felt a lot better for having got out in the afternoon. Perhaps not so much time on my own might be a good idea! So tomorrow is a new day...new perspective required!


Wednesday 22nd October

Song of the day (LH): End of the road - Boyz II Men
Song of the day (VW): What a wonderful world - Louis Armstrong

Bonus track: A little help from my friends - Joe Cocker

So I gave myself a bit of a talking to last night...you need to get back on the positivity train! Woo woo!

A few tears were shed yesterday and I think perhaps it was good to release this, as it had been building up for a while. I felt like a new person today. As the slogan goes it's good to talk...thanks Maggie! : )

Another lazy morning with breakfast at lunchtime...so I guess I've become more of a brunch person just on a daily basis!

Doorbell! Maggie answered the door...Mrs Welinder...yes...some flowers...oh...they're for the other Mrs Welinder! 

Photo no.696 - stunning flowers from two special ladies...thanks Kim & Emily!xxx

Time to go...last zap! Unlike chemo, this last session would not be delayed!!!

Photo no.697 - Little Miss S all strapped in...away we go!

It felt strange to drive to Reading, having had all my other treatments at Bracknell. I've been here twice before, once for the radiotherapy planning session and for a radioactive injection into my boob back in February! The main challenge here is parking but thankfully there was parking galore so that was a great start!

DW arrived literally as I parked so it was brilliant to have him with me for my last treatment. We weaved our way to the radiotherapy area. There were a few different options so a lovely nurse went to find out where I was meant to be. I left DW for the nurse to report back to him, as I needed the loo! One of my pre radio sessions rituals as been downing at least one litre of water. I don't know if it has helped but I've got this far with minor sunburn so every little helps. I went back and waited with DW. After a short wait, I was called through. Two new faces, but Priya from the Bracknell team was there so it was nice to see a familiar face. My first impression of Reading was that it was a lot warmer than Bracknell! So time for the final zap....the cosmic fairy dust is falling on me for the last time. I had to smile as at the point of the last zap, Song 2 by Blur came on....woo hoo!

All done. Finished. It all seemed slightly surreal. We then waited for my final skin check appointment. In this waiting area you could hear the sound of the machines with there familiar buzzing...it was good for DW to hear it. The skin specialist appointment was all fine, so need to do anything until I see Dr Davis at the start of December. Ok!


Photo no.698 - after 260 days I'm done! Woo hoo!

Did any of this really happen? I know it did but at times this whole year has felt like a massive dream. Hopefully the thing that could have potentially killed me is gone for good. Am I scared? No. For whatever reason, I've held onto an intrinsic belief that everything would be fine after a few hurdles had been jumped. Before you do anything it's always scarier than the reality of it. Hair loss...yeah not great but there are benefits. ; ) The one thing from the whole treatment process that makes me still feel nauseous is the thought of the cold cap. Now it's time to live with the treatment hangover of tamoxifen, some numbness (hopefully to be improved), growing my hair again...Still no regrets. This has been a challenging yet fascinating journey. Yes, there have been lows but also I've seen and felt so much love and kindness this year which have provided many of the highs. There's an element now of being scared about the future and what it may hold in every respect but that's too much for my brain to cope with so all I can do is one day at a time right now. Normality...something I've craved for a long time...what even is that? And the biggest question is why haven't I organised an end of treatment party???? This needs to be addressed asap! 

Due to the timing of the appointment, we hit rush hour in Reading so it took a good while to get home. So normal life...what I have noticed is that the small things should be cherished no matter how small they are...like giggling with DW in the car to him rapping to Buffalo Stance...'you what'!

Photo no.699 - happy traffic times!

Shortly after we arrived home, the doorbell rang and it was Debbie with champagne, macaroons and a big end of treatment hug! A great way to celebrate end of treatment!

Photo no.700 - cheers!

It was truly wonderful to make this milestone with this incredible lady who has been there since the first doctor's appointment...I don't know what I would have done with out the many cups of tea, advice, support, baked goods (see the vegan life wouldn't work!) and love! Thank you so much DG!xx

Nurse Lars was also over and as he had a birthday celebration coming up, DW and I had decided we should take him for a good dinner to celebrate his '21st birthday' and also today's achievement! The Beehive in White Waltham had come recommended so we decided to give it a go! The chef, Dominic Chapman, has been head chef at The Hinds Head and The Royal Oak so we were hoping for good things!

To amuse our bouches we had the smoked mackerel pate...which was incredible!

Photo no.701 - fishcake with tartar sauce & creamed leeks

Photo no.702 - Cornish hake with chard, capers, lemon & parsley

Photo no.703 - baked alaska!

A great dinner...and aside from the sneaky paying stunt that nurse Lars played, it was a super evening!

Tomorrow is the start of a brave new world...one that I'm very excited about being part of...embracing and relishing everything that may come.

So with a little help from my friends and daily and a whole heap of love from DW, the treatment treadmill has been switched off. Perhaps there will be a few aftershocks, a bit like coming onto land after having been on a boat....but here's to the future...may you be bright, beautiful and bountiful, but most of all full of smiles and laughter. 

Thank you everyone who has been a part of this year's journey! You've all been amazing and I couldn't have done it without you.
xxx


Thursday 23rd October

Song of the day (LH): Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
Song of the day (VW): The music sounds better with you - The Signposters

Ouch! Time to rehydrate....clearly a couple of glasses of wine hits harder having not drunk for 3.5 weeks! Yep, another (self imposed) target hit!

Mmn what to do with myself...my mornings are pretty much obliterated from sleeping and even though radiotherapy only took 1.5 hours out of my day it gave a focal point. It's like I've been released from jail...what to do! No crimes to commit...but there is the what if I get caught again monkey on my shoulder...go away...too many what ifs!  Time to start doing a few chores and get out for some fresh air with this lovely little lady!

Photo no.704 - smiles with Maddie Regan!

It's amazing to see her grow and develop her cheeky little personality...she has been one of the best therapies this year. So thank you Maddie....and Rachel you've kept more sane at times than you'll ever know! xxx

Friday 24th October

Song of the day (LH): Yesterday - The Beatles
Song of the day (VW): Shake it off - Taylor Swift

Happy birthday Dad!

I purposefully arranged to meet the lovely Lydia in the morning to see how I would fare getting up before 10.30....well it was feasible but not pleasant and I subsequently felt super tired for the rest of the afternoon. Still that's the what the sofa and an afternoon movie are there for! A rare occasion for me so I thoroughly enjoyed it. My writing mojo has been lacking, hence the delay in posting this. Instead my writing time has been devoted to reading Radical Remission...I'm feeling better about the recommendations and actually think a mix of all 9 contributing factors is the way to go.

Tonight's dinner was at The Peking Inn in Cookham to celebrate my Dad's birthday! I've never been here before but it was good. Though I wasn't sure about the message at the bottom of the menu saying that 80% of the food was MSG free...what about the other 20%? I'm still feeling guilty when I eat certain foods. As Hipprocates is renowned for saying 'Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food', it is important to consider what's going in! Though if you feel good and happy about what you're eating then those endorphins must help as well. As debated before, I'm finding food hard at the moment as whilst I don't want to be too purest, I still want to control certain things. Anyway, a good birthday celebration!

Photo no.705 - Happy birthday!xxx

Saturday 25th October

Song of the day (LH): Shy Guy - Diana Ross
Song of the day (VW): Born this way - Lady Gaga

Hot then cold, hot then cold....menopausal hot flushes please refrain from hitting overnight! 

A great way to kick off the weekend, a walk along the Thames with the ever wonderful Rachel Aldridge/ Williams! A chance to take in the nature in and have a good old chinwag!

Photo no.706 - river walk....

Whilst walking Rachel remembered that she had sent some flowers to me as a congratulations for the end of treatment. I felt really bad as I hadn't received them, so a call was put into DW and sure enough the delivery guy had left them by our front door but not left a note. I only use our backdoor so unless a note is popped through the door I'm none the wiser...still luckily they were still there and beautiful!

Photo no.707 - thanks Rachel!xxx

A restful afternoon ensued as I needed to summon up energy for this evening's entrainment...VIP tickets at the O2 to see Lady Gaga!!! This had come up unexpected the night before from DW's's boss but it was so much fun. It was a great mix of her old and new stuff, including a couple of jazz numbers. Shame Tony Bennett wasn't there! 

At one point she got a fan ('monster') up on stage who was battling cervical cancer. It was staged as she's doing this every night of the tour, still it must have meant an awful lot to the girl and hopefully the energy she got from this has helped diminish some of those pesky cancer cells...Gaga then went into an a cappella version of Born this way, which was quite moving. An awesome 2 hour show.

Photo no.708 - Ra ra ooh la la!!!

Sunday 26th October

Song of the day (LH): Standing in the shadows of love - The Four Tops
Song of the day (VW): You're not alone - Olive

The after effects of radiotherapy still build up to a week after, so my shoulder was feeling like a certain patch of it had been in the sun way too long. Still, I'm faring much better than could have been anticipated for such a paley..perhaps the rays reflect more off pure white skins so not as much is absorbed. I know, medics out there, this is complete tosh but I'm very grateful for having a fairly mild reaction.

Photo no.709 - spot the difference!

A fairly relaxing and generic Sunday had, consisting of a lazy breakfast, a walk in Henley along the river and then the all important Sunday dinner! A repeat visitor to the Sunday table but a dinner I really love.......happily this time I didn't touch the hot pan so all burns were avoided!

Photo no.710 - Ching's dofu ru haddock (halibut in this case) with garlic pay choi (pointed cabbage) and exotic mushroom stir fry and brown rice

A turbulent week, with a plethora of emotions ranging from very low to very high and everywhere in between. I'm tired, so next week will be a week of relaxing, reading and resting (oh how I've learnt to embrace this!). I hate having to do physio everyday, morning and night, especially when energy levels are low but you know what VW suck it up, as it's better than triggering lymphoedema! The main question to ponder is how to live going forward to remain cancer free? A biggy and so hard to know what to do...so now's the time to consider this and take some time out...but perhaps the most important thing is to not overthink it...now that will be hard for me!!!

Whilst the end of treatment marks a significant milestone, it's come at a time of feeling emotionally low. Funnily enough having spoken to a couple of other people about it they have said the same thing...still many, many things to look forward to and once the tiredness subsides I'm sure the inner Little Miss S will start to burst out again!

Tomorrow, 9th November, we're travelling to Lisbon....for those of you who have read Wonderland from the start you'll know, like Arni, we said that we would be back and sure enough we will be. This trip feels like closure and a new beginning....so as the last foray into Wonderland I'll write about when we're back....it then feels right to close the door on Wonderland and this blog and enter a brave new world....the real one! Perhaps I'll start a Sunday night supper blog...what do you think?

Anyway time to pack...a very early start tomorrow...4.30am....oh my gosh!!! : ))

Love, peace, health and happiness to you all.
xxx