Song of the day (LH): Everything - Mary J. Blige
Song of the day (VW): Bamboléo -Gipsy Kings
I'm writing this entry on 29th October and this seems a lifetime ago...
Having plucked up the courage to get my phone out to take some snaps last week and being encouraged by one of the Bracknell team, I thought I'd document each stage that I go through as part of my daily radio routine!
Photo no.660 - 'To the linac treatment area'
Photo no.661 - the double doors....only patients are allowed through to the sub waiting area! VIP area! ; )
Tomorrow, I might pluck up the courage to ask the radiographers to take some snaps of what goes on behind the double doors...
After today's treatment I drove over to casa Grierson to get some kitchen planning advice. I know, it's crazy to start thinking about a new project like a new kitchen but DW seems intent on doing it, so we may as well make it as good as possible! Debbie had some great tips to share and above all else it was really lovely to see her.
Arriving home on rainy Monday afternoon, there was only one task that lay ahead...clearing the desk. You know how it is, things come in you put it on the desk and then a week or so later there are various piles to tackle! Pile number 1...cancer literature. As you can imagine this has built up over the months. I decided to take one final flick through each one to see if there was anything I should be doing or thinking about so here goes....
Photo no.662 - the cancer literature....a lot of pink!
Photo no.663 - alternative view!
It felt such a cleansing process going through all these, reliving moments of finding out about each stage...from Dr Davis written diagram of the chemo cycles I'd be having, to planning for hair loss, to finally life beyond...nearly there! There were a few useful facts that I pulled out and then it felt really good to do this....
Photo no.664 - in the cupboard you go...you're needed anymore! : )
I had originally planned to put them in a bag and take them into hospital next time I'm there but then DW made a valid point that I might want them for reference. So for the time being they will live in this cupboard until the time feels right for them to leave for you. A thoroughly worthwhile exercise and I felt so great for having done it. Small steps to putting this behind us and getting onto the next chapter.
Tonight's dinner was this interesting looking squash....
Photo no.665 - harlequin squash....challenge #1 how to get into it!!!
Photo no.666 - et voilà...Megadarra in a squash!
Photo no.667 - inside the squash...
Unfortunately, it's fair to say that the photos look far more exciting than this tasted. Still always good to try new things but I suspect this was DW 'where's the meat?' occasion!
One thing I did learn this evening, which I would recommend though is to roast the seeds from any squash or pumpkin. It's a bit of a faff cleaning all of the pulp from the seeds but the result was great. Add a sprinkle or two of salt and a relatively healthy but very tasty snack is made!
Photo no.668 - roasted squash seeds
Panic!!! From today's reading session I had read that taking Vitamin C can cause radiotherapy not to be fully effective. My deciphered understanding of this is that the vitamin C almost masks any possible cancer cells with it's antioxidant properties so the radiotherapy can't work to it's full potential...well something like that! Argh! Why didn't I realise this before I started treatment...mmn calm down VW, just don't take anymore and ask tomorrow! There's nothing you can do now.....
Tuesday 14th October
Song of the day (LH): Breathe - Faith Hill
Song of the day (VW): House of fun - Madnesss
Up and kind of at them! Tuesday mornings always begin with yoga...I'm really treasuring these sessions and often feel really good after them. Something to keep doing and if like me you've not tried yoga before, I'd really recommend giving it a go.
Each day at radiotherapy it seems there's a different radio station on. Yesterday, there was classic FM, which was soothing, last week xfm was on, less calming...today it was Madness, which made me smile, hence today's song choice.
I mentioned my vitamin C panic and neither radiographer had heard about this information, so they were not concerned. Ok. Phew. But you know what, I think I'll just leave off from taking it for the next couple of weeks. I want to give this my best shot!
Another cleansing, clearing out afternoon....goodbye cancer info sheets, chemo schedules, hair cooling booklets.....It's true, hair in 99% of cases does come back but right now mine is not the right colour!!! I know it's hard to tell when it's so short but seriously, I would like my old colour back...time will tell, I know! Fingers crossed!
Wednesday 15th October
Song of the day (LH): All about that bass - Meghan Trainor
Song of the day (VW): Drive - The Cars
A very sleepy morning...the grown up in me was feeling like I had wasted the time by staying in bed for so long but actually I think my body needed this. So no regrets!
It feels like everywhere I turn at the moment there is a cancer campaign. As previously mentioned it's breast cancer awareness month but it's also Stand Up for Cancer and it seems that there's something about this on constantly. The stats are horrid...1 in 3 people currently will get cancer at some point in their lives. I can't help but wonder is this my case and I've been lucky to have it while my body is young and relatively fit to fight this away so that I won't have to battle this later in life...who knows....The amazing stat though is that as many people are surviving now as not. This is a great testament to all the fantastic research work that is being done with great academic minds but it would be nothing without brave people with the disease allowing clinical trials to happen. I have upmost respect for these incredible human beings.
This afternoon I started reading a book that had been recommend to me. It's called Radical Remission by Kelly A Turner. Two hours melted away as I got caught up in the first two observations of radical remissions...diet being the first. Essentially the recommendation is to lead a vegan lifestyle. I'm not sure DW will love this dietary change. What's so hard, is that I could make a change to a vegan, caffeine, alcohol free life but I don't know if this is what caused my disease in the first place. So I've decided not to jump too soon...I need to read all of the recommendations and then make a judgement call. Being teetotal at the moment, I'm adhering to one of the principles so baby steps....I'm very excited at reading the rest of the book though...it's absolutely fascinating and a worthwhile read whatever your health status.
Tonight's dinner challenge....
Photo no.669 - rainbow chard - it's so pretty!
Photo no.670 - a great summer pasta dish...Bill Granger's Spaghetti with garlic and spinach...well rainbow chard in this case!
The numbness in foot seems really bad this week. Sure it's not preventing me from doing anything but still it's quite unnerving, especially first thing in the morning, as I don't want to fall over again...fingers crossed it's just flaring up for a few days. Flat shoes at the ready! I'm also starting to think that perhaps I need to face into having my hair cut to even it out...this is daunting, as I was never brave enough to shave it off. This is what I need to do but somehow it feels wrong to be cutting new growth off. The reason for is that it'll even the hair length out and also stimulate growth...we're always told this by the hairdresser, right?! Well it seems in this case I have to hold onto the belief that it will work. So perhaps a wig wash and hair cut will be on the agenda for my next visit to Chez Stephan. Be brave VW! : )
Thursday 16th October
Song of the day (LH): So amazing - Luther Vandross
Song of the day (VW): A pizza you - Ray Gelato
Well hello blue sky, that's what you look like! I've missed you.
My wake up call this morning was from Jo, one of the radiographers, asking if I could go in an hour's time rather than in the afternoon as another patient really needed to swop. Had it been any other day, I'd have said yes and if I'd had the call the evening before it'd have been a yes but unfortunately I had to say no, as DW was coming for his first radiotherapy experience! As you've seen, there's not much for the non patient to see but we both felt it was important for him to come and see the process.
I picked DW up from Heathrow so he could maximise work time. Each time I pick him up from here I always feel like I should be off on holiday somewhere. Not long!!! Time was pressing and I was nervous I was going to be late. For those of you know me you will laugh, as I'm always late but for my radio sessions I've been pretty much on time...to the second on some days on the latter side but still within tolerance (or in radiotherapy lingo...within tol!). Thankfully we pretty much arrived on time so all was well!
Today, it seemed right to ask for some photos to be taken of me in the treatment room. Jo became my official photographer for this session! So here you go....I've decided not to censor these....you all know what a boob looks like...so no stars for nipples...here's what a radiotherapy session looks like in my case. The only thing to note is that even though flash wasn't used, the room is a lot darker than these photos depict, so you'll need to use your imagination for this bit.
Photo no.671 - arms in air....like you just don't care! (hence the physio to get to this position!).
Photo no.672 - the silhouette that I've described to you....
Photo no.673 - the green lines are laser beams to help to get me into the exact position. Where the light is shining is where the beams are being directed at...this is one position of 3.
Photo no.674 - neck zap position...the black mark you can see on my side is where one of my tattoos is.
Photo no.675 - chin up...I will forever remember that my chin needed to be up 11cm to avoid the beam...here it will just be caught as you can see the light on it.
Big thanks to Jo for taking the pics and for the whole team being encouraging for them to be taken. It was great coming out of session number 11 and being able to show DW what goes on beyond the double doors.
Lunch time!
Photo no.676 - one happy man and his ploughman's!
If you're in need of a quality ploughman's or just a blimin good lunch then I would really recommend Dorney Court. It's in a beautiful setting and a lovely place to go for some quality food. They've got a kitchen garden and really make the menu seasonal.
Photo no.677 - capsicums...or green peppers and aubergines...always nice to see where your food comes from rather than the supermarket shelf.
Throughout this year, the Hamilton family (all of you!) have been really supportive to DW and I. Recently it was Rob and Ces' birthday and as a way to celebrate this we decided to take them a late night jazz session in the Elgar Room at the Albert Hall to see the wonderful Ray Gelato. I'm am rubbish at keeping secrets but somehow managed to pull this one off. So a very happy birthday to two very special people! xxx
Photo no.678 - Ray and his sax!
Photo no.679 - the man himself!!!
The last and only other time we saw Ray was at Ronnie Scott's. Not knowing his repertoire that well I had listened to some of his tracks...his style is a mix of original material and covers of some true jazz classics. My favourite of his original tracks is a Pizza You! Sadly, Ray didn't get a chance to play this at Ronnie's, so when he passed by us this evening, I couldn't resist asking for it and we also got in Rob's favourite song..My Last Meatball...thankfully the jazz man was happy to play them for us including a shout to us being the young table in the room! So flattering! ; ) A fantastic set and the Elgar Room is a great location, one to be repeated but perhaps not on a school night! Thanks Celia and Mike for looking after Harrison and making this evening possible. : ) x
Friday 17th October
Song of the day (LH): Slow - Rumer
Song of the day (VW): Careless whisper - George Michael
Foolishly I had booked a doctor's appointment for 08.50....d'oh! I definitely needed more sleep. Hey ho, off you go! One thing that has been niggling my mind this year is whether when I got a breast check done 5 years ago if that was the start of this menace. So it was time to ask if it was my left breast that had been investigated. Unfortunately the GP couldn't see this as I had changed GP surgery, so would need access to my old paper files...one for another day. Though I guess even if I know it was the same breast would it make a difference...probably not. Still I left armed with a prescription for more XClair and that was the primary aim! I've been using this cream to help prevent my skin reacting too badly to the cosmic fairy dust that has been falling on me. Thankfully, there is barely any reaction yet, so I'll keep going with this stuff as it seems to be doing the trick.
I felt absolutely shattered this afternoon, so did as my body was telling me and lazed and dozed on the sofa, something I've got much better at doing. I mentioned the book I have been reading at the moment, Radical Remissions. It's been an fascinating read so far but I've realised it's taken me to a place I didn't necessarily want to go...reading about cancer. Plus although everything I'm reading is utterly inspiring it is reinforcing the message that the cancer could come back...I feel innately that this is a this year challenge and that the menace has moved on and out but I guess for a while there is going to be the what if demon on my shoulder. I feel torn...part of me knows there is a recurrence chance whilst the other part of me, believes in just focussing on what is known today and not worry about tomorrow. I guess part of the reason for this dilemma is thinking around when to potentially think about planning for a family. Due to the tamoxifen and a few other factors, adoption will be our choice but knowing when and if this is even possible is something that I've started to think about. A good sign, as I think it about looking strongly to the future. I read that you should visualise what age you'd like to live until. Apparently people who have lived to a hundred or more when asked this have replied at least one hundred, so potentially there is some truth in focussing what age you'd like to live until. I've got my number in my mind now...so I truly hope it I reach it having had a wonderfully happy life...ah utopia! : ) Only time will tell if the menace wants to come back and play but I guess feeling melancholy, I'm prepared for that and wish above all else that it won't...I'm keeping my eyes open!
One of the recommendations from radical remissions is around pretty much living to a vegan lifestyle. I have to say since reading that chapter, everything that I have subsequently put in my mouth that doesn't adhere to this has made be feel extremely guilty....so what to cook for dinner...it's proving a harder challenge than just Mr Able can provide!
Photo no.680 - a trio of veggie curries....bombay potatoes, asparagus & leek, broccoli & tomato.
Despite having ample food, DW was very much thanks for making 3 side dishes...where's the main course! Mmn this will take some work!
So my last question of the day....will I shave my hair tomorrow?!!!
Saturday 18th October
Song of the day (LH): Right here - Jess Glynne
Song of the day (VW): Can't get enough of your love, baby - Barry White
My darling, I, can't get enough of your love, baby....love it!!! What a legend!
So a date with the lovely Ben at Chez Stephan, officially booked as a wig wash...but I decided to go for the hair cut! Before leaving the house I asked DW to take photos of my hair from all angles...this is the first time I've seen the back of my head bare in months...I was pleasantly surprised by the amount there...that was about to be shaved off! One Sinead O'Connor please! We decided just to even the length, if you can call it that! Even though Ben assured me there would still be a good amount of hair on my head there seemed to be a lot coming off! Argh!!! The hair falling off was so, so soft and the colour was just bizarre and so unfamiliar. A dark grey, not as in a grey hair ie. white but actually dark grey. Please just be the first growth colour!!! It almost didn't feel like it was my own hair. Still hair cut number 1 done and lets hope it does provide the growth spurt that everyone keeps saying will happen! It didn't look drastically different to the photos from that morning, so a good call!
I've felt so spaced out today. I'm not sure if it's tiredness or what. I almost want to scream but I'm not sure what about and I don't know how to let it out...shall we call this a wobble VW? Mmn shall we?
We were both feeling shattered this evening, so it was a case of some back to back Mad Men episodes and some zzzzz!
Sunday 19th October
Song of the day (LH): Wild wood - Paul Weller
Song of the day (VW): Sunny - Bobby Hebb
Woah....11 hours of sleep! Oh yeah! : ) Sorry parents of small children....! Though I did have a smidgen of a feeling that I had wasted the morning....but it was just a smidgen...I like that word! A lazy Sunday overall but at least we did manage a walk along the river to Bray, complete with seeing some swans flying...they are truly magnificent to watch.
Plus I had the usual Sunday 'pressure' of making the Sunday night supper....tonight I decided to take a trip to Morocco....the reason...needing to find different ways to use the abundance of kale that was in the fridge. It's now gone on my Able & Cole veto list!
So may I present to you....
Photo no.681 - Bastila with seafood, spinach (kale!) and noodles
Photo no.682 - accompanied by grated cucumber salad with oregano
Photo no.683 - inside the beast of the bastila!
I truly hadn't anticipated how much time this was going to take to make...and the really sad part was that it wasn't worth the 90 minutes of love poured into it...and due to it's non vegan nature it didn't make me feel any better on that score. A thumbs down to this Sunday night supper...boo! In some ways I feel that my cooking mojo is on an all time low. Perhaps I truly am tired...mind, body and soul...
People are often saying to me that I'll be so glad once treatment is over with and we can focus on the future. This is partially true but in some ways I'm more scared about what the future holds than what has happened this year. This year I've had months of following plans that others have set out for me. Chemo check. Surgery check. Radio...nearly check. Now it seems that I'm facing into being unleashed into the unknown...exciting yet daunting at the same time. Why? Because I have a strong feeling that I need to make some changes in my life to feel more fulfilled and help others...I have got some ideas but soon I will need to start putting them into action...I know, don't put pressure on yourself...I don't see this year as being a bad year, sure it could have been better. It's been a whopper of a challenge and has pushed DW and I mentally and physically but it's given time to pause, reflect, think and find out a heck of a lot about myself. Things that I would never have faced into had I not been offered this opportunity. So you will think this a bizarre thing to say but I'm almost grateful to have been given this wake up call. Undeserved, yes but you know what I've learnt that you have to make the most of every situation. I've often thought it has been a harder year for those closest around me....to a certain extent it probably has been but it will be easier for them to move on...I'll carry the battle scars for a while longer and whilst I intend to live every moment to the fullest, I cannot wait until 5 years time when I will (I blimin well hope to the max) be told that I'm in the clear once more....
And on that reflective note, here endeth the radiotherapy sessions week 3.
Love, peace, joy and hope to you all....this motto is not just for Christmas! : )
xxx
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