Neuts are low...rest, rest, rest!

Monday 5th June

It had been tricky falling asleep the night before, perhaps I was more nervous than my conscious mind was conceding about today. But then the classic happened...the alarm went off...felt sleepy so dozed and then by the time it went off again we had very little time to get ready! Ooops. Plus I hadn't packed for my Chelsea overnight stay.

It felt like lots of waiting this morning...on arrival we checked how long it would be to see Dr P. The wait was fairly long so we decided to go and get my blood taken. This is always needed before chemo to see if you're strong enough to have the treatment and it takes 90 minutes to get the results. It seemed a lifetime of waiting for even this to be done and so finally we went downstairs and waited for Dr P...in realtime this was only about 90 minutes but for some reason it took longer.

Due to the pesky disease in my back, it appears that I need to have an additional drug to Carboplatin to tackle this element. We know, well think we know, how my body tolerates Denosumab so I had thought this wouldn't be given but the news today was that a drug called Zometa would be given instead...the downside, I could feel similar side effects. So good that I was staying in.

After coming out of the consultation, the lovely Julide was waiting for us as she was my chemo buddy for the afternoon. Due to staying overnight, I was allowed to have my treatment given in my room, so off we went to find our room for the night. Room 6, Wiltshire Ward...haven't been here before but it seemed pretty reasonable...so we settled in.

Then more waiting...then DW came in looking pretty glum...he had just seen Diana my nurse and my neutrophils were too low for treatment to go ahead...part of me felt relief the other part disappointment...Three years ago I got to the last round before having to postpone but equally my body needs to be strong enough to take the treatment. Diana closely followed Daniel in and confirmed the verdict...had it not been my birthday later in the week we may have tried again later in the week but the view was an enjoyable birthday took precedent! Time to pack up...and the message that I heard loud and clear was to rest, rest and more rest.

My left knee has been really achy, so Dr P, decided to X-ray...when I got to the department there was mention about lying down for the scan and we all know how I feel about that! Thankfully with some ingenuity from the radiographer, I was able to have both views done standing...phew.

In order to not let my lovely chemo buddy down, we went off to find lunch whilst DW worked (and perhaps needed to do some shopping!)....I worked with Julide during my secondment at Breast Cancer Haven last year and loved every minute of working with her, so it's been wonderful to keep in touch and have a proper natter today.

Ladies who lunch...

Towards the end of lunch my tummy was rumbling and I wasn't feeling myself, so I knew I needed to make it pronto to a toilet as the cafe didn't have one. We started walked towards the Conran shop...on the way I just knew I was going to be sick...I wasn't going to make the toilet this time...a suitable area of kerb was identified...I felt mortified but thanks to having a trusty walking stick hopefully I wasn't judged too badly by fellow Fulham Road frequenters.

DW then called as he wanted to head homeward bound as his hayfever was terrible...so not the best day for the Welinders...sorry Julide for not being a top lunch buddy! I slept in the car and snoozed on the sofa when I got in...the magic r word was definitely needed.

Nurse Lars arrived this evening and thanks to the amazing Rachel Aldridge we had a homemade lasagne which had magical healing properties as I felt so much better afterwards.

Today was a difficult day...one where I had not realised the mental impact of not having chemo was going to have on me...despite this today's gratitude goes to DW for all of his love and support, for Julide supporting on a difficult day, listening to the rain and for nurse Lars' arrival. Tomorrow will be better.x

Tuesday 6th June

A rainy Tuesday but rainy days are good for rest. Mentally, I felt rather subdued today and my tummy was still a bit queasy. I felt super tired for most of today so rest was definitely the name of the game. For some reason yesterday really scared me. I guess having had over 2 weeks at home with no medical intervention I had slipped into a happier place and moved away mentally from what's going on but yesterday's hospital visit brought this all to be very real again...it's ok...and I know it's ok to feel like this...just need some of the VW positivity to shine through...but these days are allowed.

Tiredness hit like a b*tch today and I couldn't even face cooking dinner tonight so DW took over, with nurse Lars supporting....

The boys in the kitchen...

Normal order needed to resume for tomorrow as nurse Lars has many strengths but cooking is not one of them, so best to recharge my batteries, as DW was going off to Lux in the morning.

Today, though was also one of celebration, in that it was Sweden's national day!

A proud Swede celebrating!

Today's gratitude is for DW who is working, shopping, cooking, giving the best hugs...he needs some escapism and a night in Luxembourg will hopefully give him this. For Nurse Lars renting a car for those just in case moments, for hearing the rain and sensing it's cleansing but chilly properties and a simple one but important one...being able to move around.

Wednesday 7th June

A tough start to today...I decided to shower first as wanted to wash my hair and have it dry before we left to go out but towards the end of this I nearly fainted so it was a sprint finish to grab my towel and unlock the bathroom door just in case...I think my mind had gone into a bit of overdrive and this had transmitted into my body. Once dressed, nurse Lars sat me down with some water and a banana and I luckily perked up as we were heading to Breast Cancer Haven for acupuncture. Normally I go and say hello to the team but today I was conscious about white cell count and also not feeling myself so sorry Haveners for not coming to say hello (well apart from Francis who spied me!).

Today was a talking day with nurse Lars and lots of emotions were let out....many tears but overall a good release and I felt a lot better for doing this and could feel positivity being restored. Arriving home, I set nurse Lars up with some practical tasks...including....

Nurse Lars sets to and vacuums...

Thanks to Emily, there was a Feel Good Fish Pie available for tonight's dinner so all that was needed was to buy a fish pie for nurse Lars and add some greens on the side. I literally have not seen anyone so excited about a shop bought fish pie as this man below...

Sheer pleasure...

Overall, it's been easier this time with DW away...I guess keeping busy is key. I also started to feel better within myself due to the emotional outpour and signs of my cheeky personality starting to reemerge. Friends had been asking what I had wanted to do for my birthday and for the first time ever I had been really downbeat about it but tonight I was now up for planning something!

DW sounded tired on the phone...this whole scenario is taking its toll on him and I so wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away and rewind the clock to a year ago when things were so different....DW I wish for this more than anything in the whole world.

Chin up VW and carry on...

My bedtime companion in DW's absence....

Today's gratitude goes to nurse Lars for operating as chauffeur (MW you would still not be happy with his driving!), nurse, counsellor, sous chef and cleaner. Watching the birds in the garden, starting feel better and more proactive and for all of the lovely people that have been keeping in touch...I am so very blessed to receive so much love from so many people.


Thursday 8th June

A slow start, so much so that when Wonechen arrived at 10.30 I was still in my PJs..observantly she noticed that I was wearing our school's t-shirt...a t-shirt I should note that is still too many sizes too big for me but bought that way so that I would grow into it when I was 12...mmn that still's not happened!

Today was all about bimbling, getting frustrated as I thought I had lost all of of my photos due to an upgrade on my mac (thankfully found thanks to apple support).

My mindset has once again been injected with positivity once more and this no doubt is having a positive impact onto my body...fingers crossed!

I caved today as yet again I didn't feel like cooking, so nurse Lars and I had a pizza for dinner...still with some salad on the side so not all bad. But overall a day of rest. However, I took the opportunity to drive with nurse Lars to Heathrow to pick DW up from the airport...to me he's the most handsome person so it always makes me smile when he walks towards the car. : )

It feels good to have a mindset change...being in what can feel like isolation is hard when fundamentally you're a people person but my body needed rest so that's what I've fed it so now to feed my mind with what it needs. : )

Gratitude today for nurse Lars and all of his duties, seeing my bird friends in the garden, my positive mindset returning (it's been a tough few days), seeing DW walk towards the car at Heathrow and for feeling loved and supported (mega shout out to Karen S).x

Friday 9th June

Happy new year to me! Welcome to being 36!

A weird birthday in this brave new world we find ourselves in....it's awful to think this could be my last but something inside yells a loud NO! So there will be many more to come and celebrate so that's what's going to happen. Right...glad we've got that sorted.

Thanks to some crying children next door it was a fairly early wake up call...boo...but thankfully I managed to doze and relax before heading down for breakfast.

I've been so overwhelmed with love, messages, gifts, flowers, cards and laughter today...I was bowled over by a song my amazing friend Sarah had recorded for me (S - hope you don't mind me adding here but it was really special so felt it needed sharing!).

https://youtu.be/QChwfqzfZXY

As for DW's gift...well he didn't need to buy anything as simply being with me is a daily gift but as previously mentioned it was all about the walking sticks...but as DW doesn't really enjoy birthdays his planning was a bit lastminute.com so he bought some 'joke' sticks whilst in Luxembourg.

Evidence of some sticks...

However, also knowing DW well means that he cuts it fine to get to the airport and most of the time only takes carry on...hence with check in closed he tried to take the sticks through security, only to have them confiscated! Though his levels of research tell me he has looked into which sticks to buy....they're just still in their retail location.

Gift number 2 was a voucher for Cliveden House, with the idea that I could go swimming in their new spa. All good in theory but in reality spa's are not great from an immunity perspective so not the ideal thing to do, despite sitting in a jacuzzi or swimming being very appealing....not all is lost though! I've been wanting to go to the Astor Grill there for dinner for ages (even booked it for DW's birthday)....so that'll be a fabulous plan B!

Compared to normal birthdays, whatever normal means, today was very relaxed (last year we were at Ronnie Scott's til 1am). My parents popped in, I went for a natter with my lovely new neighbour, we had a walk along the river (first of the week - whoop, whoop!), my brother came by and all of the lovely things below arrived. I'm so very lucky to have received so much love from you all, including on social media.

Birthday balloons from a secret source...thank you, you special person. : )

Birthday card love

The birthday girl herself under the vines....

All week I had been indecisive as to how to celebrate my birthday but at the last minute, this is not my usual preference, I got a group of special people together and we went for a curry....I'm so pleased I did as it meant a lot to celebrate with everyone. : )

Wickchen & Wonechen

All my party people (Missy Elliot song 4 my people is going round my head right now!)...

The ever wonderful Kim D... : )

A whopper of a thank you to everyone who came along, there was lots of laughter, vocabulary extension and good food...It was nice to feel normal again and for many minutes forget the 'rascal' that is causing so much chaos.

Today my energy levels definitely felt topped up so hopefully this means my neuts are moving on up! I am so thankful for all the love and kindness, feeling the best I have done all week, for a super birthday supper with friends and sunshine on what was predicted to be a rainy day. I'm looking forward to a weekend of quality time with DW and probably more rest. ; )

Saturday 10th June

Sun is shining, the weather is sweet...makes you wanna turn your hose pipe on....

Or does it ha ha!!!

Due to a lazy morning I had a super speedy breakfast, shower and watering session as the lovely Kate popped round or some fizz, of the h2o, variety in the garden. We were only sat in the sun for 45 minutes and I had a hat on...my hair is definitely thinning and this is mainly on top so sun hat at the ready but shortly after Kate left I felt really sick and ended up with my head in the toilet...not so much fun. I'm not sure if it's heat or a bug but whatever it was made me rest up and wiped me out for the day...DW in the meantime went for a power walk. It's so amazing seeing him being in a different place mentally living here...I know it's still not his dream but it's much better than where we were before.

So a lazy afternoon for me including a 2 hour nap but I had to be ready as we were going to see....

The Irish chef...in his new pad!

Congrats Eoin, it's a great house and looking forward to many, many more dinners at chez Harty! So here's a pic of the welcome dinner extraordinaire...

Sicilian roasted Dover Sole with Lemon, Achovies, Capers and Rosemary with Jersey Royals and Samphire

It certainly had hidden magical properties as my nausea disappeared so a really good supper! Eoin's one of my oldest friends...I've known him since we were 12 and started secondary school together, so it's amazing to have him living so close by and have evenings full of laughter and the odd bit of piss taking...generally out of me or him as DW stays inherently untouched!

Again, moments of feeling normal this evening...then horrible wake up calls which I deal with silently...this will get easier but Wonderland is hard to navigate at times.

Today was full of kisses and hugs from DW, hearing from friends I've not heard from in a long time (Barbara/ Sarah Young), inspiring culinary creations (thanks Barbara!), sunshine though perhaps I need to be sat more in the shade and feeling good late at night...this seems to be my best time.

Sunday 11th June

Thankfully the lovely family with small children next door were away last night, so no early morning wake up calls! In fact I decided to set my meds alarm for 10am to have a proper lie in for once....result!

I purposefully cancelled all plans today (sorry Sharon, Lesley, Christine & Emma), as I wanted to rest, relax and have a normal Sunday with DW today and that's exactly what we've done. We're still getting the house sorted so chores do kick in, though thanks to my parents cleaning, gardening and laundry are covered...but we were determined to go to Hambleden today for a walk...and walk we did...including a 15 minute stop on my favourite bench (yes I know the old lady comes out), today I managed a 90 minute walk through the fields in Hambleden without my stick...slam dunk! Though hayfever you need to stay away!

Beautiful fields of wheat....

Look no walking stick!

My boy brushing his hands through the fields of wheat...barley sounds better (ref Fields of Gold lyrics)

Coming home roof down in the Fiat 500, life felt pretty good...we were lucky to catch watching Nadal win his 10th French Open, which was hugely humbling. 

And so we reach Sunday supper time...thanks to Emily, a new book has entered my repertoire, The Medicinal Chef Healthy Every Day (of the Feel Good Fish pie fame) so here's tonight's supper...

No-stress pesto cod with green beany mash (mine became more of a purée), Jersey Royals (I'm a bit obsessed with them at the moment - even though I know their sweet potato cousins are healthier) and a tomato salad...a very green dinner!

Today I'm feeling more confident about what tomorrow may bring....of course there are thoughts of will it, won't it happen...but what will be, will be...and if it will be then I'm channelling all positive thoughts into a pain free reaction...as in no reaction! My pain is still being managed by opiates and paracetamol but as you can see this cocktail means I can do things, especially the ones we enjoy. I'm lucky that DW will be my side and staying in the bed next to me and tomorrow's chemo buddy is the ever wonderful Kim, a lucky charm so let's see what happens. Ding, ding, round 3...take 2...bring it on!

DW thanks for everything you do. I know you're getting the lows as well as the highs...and there have been quite a few grumps in between as well. I appreciate every little thing you do, even though it may not always seem like it; but you laughing is my favourite thing in the entire world...so please keep doing this. Love you more than you will ever know.

To you all...I wish you all the love, laughter and happiness in the world for the week ahead. Signing out for now but will be back soon. All my love, Vxxx

I like to move it, move it...well, when I can.

It's fair to say that since my last post, we've endured some of the toughest days since diagnosis...but let's start with the positive stuff!

Tuesday 9th May

Moving day! It had finally come around...and Shaun put his hands in the air like he just didn't care! I was a bit apprehensive...was this a good idea with treatment just around the corner. Moving out of the familiar and into somewhere new and completely different in terms of moving out of a warm new build into a 16th century cottage...but what we did know was the new place would be good for the soul.

In order to get our sofa in we had to dismantle the bannister so to get it out the same had to occur thanks to DIY D's skills!

Given the circumstances, we decided to pay for a removal company to pack everything up for us, so moving day ended up being fairly relaxed...as I pretty much sat on the sofa for most of the day with 3 pros packing up at the speed of light. If you're ever moving then I'd really recommend WH Cox & Sons...and no, I didn't get paid to say that!!!

Today was also a proud day, as I was featured in the John Lewis Partnership's Annual report with a focus on my secondment at Breast Cancer Haven. I'm so very privileged to have been given the opportunity to have done this secondment - thank you JLP!

There was a lot of waiting whilst the packing happened....DW had gone over to the new house to start sorting stuff out there...then I received a phone call from my healthcare provider saying that I was no longer covered to be treated at The Marsden...my stomach dropped roller coaster style and I felt all of the safety barriers had been removed and the ground beneath me had sun away...there's no need to go into the ins and outs of the following events on this but needless to say another thank you to JLP for looking after me...and a special thank you to everyone at Waitrose and John Lewis Group who pushed this through...especially though to Karen and Yseult...what you guys did meant the absolute world.

Anyway, back to the move...finally at 4pm I got in the removal van with the guys and with a sad goodbye to Rachel and Maddie I left Oldfield Road....I will deeply miss having the Regans one minute away but I know pizza night will remain a firm fixture and will see my favourite Regan girls regularly.

Arriving into the house I was faced with a wall of boxes...little boxes on hillside, little boxes made of ticky tacky....except it was more like piles of boxes in the new house, piles of boxes literally everywhere...where to start!

Thankfully the task force arrived in the form of my parents, my brother and his wife! So we were soon blitzing our way through them...but so many boxes!

After a few hours we stopped for dinner...and only one thing would do...pizza!

Pizza time!

Big thank you to you all helping DW and I face into this mountain! Downsizing is definitely not easy! The next day involved more unpacking and sorting...and trying to do this without aggravating my dodgy back...Plus we met our lovely new neighbours who have welcomed us so much into our new home. We truly feel like Cookhamers already!

Thursday 11th May

Chemo day #2.

Today's chemo buddy was the ever delightful Nic who kept me company and allowed DW some sanity to leave the hospital.

The chemo plan for today was Carboplatin and a new drug called Denosumab...all should be fine...well that's the mindset that I went with.

Arriving home from chemo, we were welcomed by the Welinder Snrs who had flown over to be with us and see our new pad!

Perfect peonies from the lovely Anna Bones...thank you so much lovely.x

I felt fine that evening but just before going to bed, I could feel my back feeling more inflamed...still it would calm down over night, right?!

Friday 12th May

Wrong!!! I woke up and could barely move without pain...rather I mean PAIN. After what felt like a lifetime I managed to move and get out of bed...pain meds at the ready...this will get better. Standing in the sunshine in our little oasis I was chatting to Rachel and all of a sudden there was a gigantic spasm...I screamed and literally couldn't move...more PAIN....

Ok...sit down and relax....this will get better. Somehow I managed to shower and get dressed but knew something wasn't right. The only task on the list was to go to Windsor to have a white cell booster injection. Regina, the angel that she is had kindly agreed to give me the injection...so I just needed to get there.

Nurse Lars reported for duty but despite some careful driving (MW - I know you would debate this!!!), there were some really painful moments getting over to the hospital. Finally we got there and I started to walk to the lift and there felt the most intense pain of my entire life...my back went into one gigantic spasm...I couldn't get into a wheelchair as I felt paralysed. A trolley appeared and somehow I got onto that and got wheeled up to the oncology unit....scared doesn't come close to how I was feeling.

Regina swooped in and put me in a side room and luckily got hold of Dr Davis (my original oncologist)...who advised not to have the injection as it would more than likely add to the flare....the plan..get to The Marsden...but how...the slightest movement was an issue.

More pain relief and diazepam seemed to be the answer, so whilst nurse Lars and I were waiting I took more Oxycodone (an opoid) and waited for DW to bring the diazepam which would hopefully relax the muscles...

After DW and his Mum arrived, I took the meds and then waited to see if I could move...somehow including using some breathing techniques I got into the car and we were on our way to the Marsden...I can't remember much more about this night apart from that Luca and Moira brought some food and looked after me whilst DW went to get food with his parents....Thankfully my soul mate returned and slept next to me.

The only cause of this flare...must have have been the denosumab, as it was the only change but man it hit me hard.

Saturday 13th May

I spent most of the day in a opioid daze....going to the toilet took all the strength I could muster and I needed a nurse to support me to get there...how the hell did I get here?

Visitors today included my parents and also the Welinder snrs and one VIP...Kim.

At the end of last year, Kim, Leonie and I decided to take on a challenge and do the Moonwalk, a walking overnight marathon through London. Leonie and I had done something similar in 2013 and we both felt like we wanted to do it again...frustratingly this year was not the one for me. A group of fantastic people from Waitrose also decided to join in to show their support and do a half moon...still 15 miles! So whilst I stayed in bed...these intrepid explorers pounded the streets of London town...

A pre walk visit from Kim

Kim, Leonie and Phil....the full moonwalkers!

Juliette, Lucy, Helen, Sam, Jo, Caroline and Su...the half moonwalkers...

The full mooners find a friend on the streets of London...

Sunday 14th May

Morning Sian....the full mooners find Sian who was volunteering somewhere along the Kings Road...

A hello to me from outside of the Marsden..

Mile 26....I can remember the last 0.2 miles being the hardest...

Morning from me...

I rarely eat toast but there's something strangely good about hospital toast when you're not feeling great..blackcurrant jam of course.

The full mooners finish!

A serious achievement and a massive thank you to everyone who took part to show love and support for me. You're all truly fabulous and I hope there wasn't too much post walk pain.

Love from Leonie. : )

The next few days consisted of being fairly spaced out linked up to a morphine based pain relief system, complete with a button to press if I needed more...which varied day by day. On Monday evening this was removed and I was moved onto oral medication, the same drug Oxycodone but something that I could take at home. The only challenge with this in hospital is that for top ups you have to press the button to call the nurse, they then have to get the meds and then two nurses have to come and observe it being taken...so it can take a little while. It was decided during this transition that the earliest go home date would be Wednesday to ensure that the pain could be managed. I was relieved...I just knew that it would be too hard going home as I was reliant on the nurses for toilet trips, strip washes and showering...maybe I becoming a naturist in my 'old age' but for whatever reason I didn't mind the showing all! ; )

On Wednesday, Dr Williams paid a visit with the amazing pain specialist nurse, Caroline. The pain was ok but still not fully managed and I had a confidence crisis about heading home...Friday became the new target go home day. This day I took a lot of breakthrough tablets....10 in total over 24 hours...it was no wonder by the evening I felt as sick as a parrot and completely zoned out...sorry Moira!

I had been going for small walks around the ward to get some exercise in and to build a bit more confidence. However, Thursday's challenge was stairs. Believe me, when you've not done them for what feels like an eternity they are scary...so with the lovely occupational therapist and physio I walked from my room to the stairs...shaking with nerves...I started to learn to walk a bit further and attempt what felt like a mountain...Going up was shaky but ok...but coming down I was scared to death about falling, pain kicking in and many other things...I did it...but boy was I glad when my feet were back on terra firma.

Phew...progress was being made.

Friday 19th May

So after a hazy week, where writing a text took me forever....I have some very weird emojis in my favourites section on my phone, the day had come to decide if I was ready to go home. Dr Williams, Caroline and Dr Parton visited...the consensus...perhaps not today but at some point over the weekend. Again I felt relieved, partly as I wasn't sure what going home meant as it was heading back to the new house. DW was disappointed but I just knew that I had to feel confident from within to go home.

However, a change did occur, the hospital needed my room back so I had to move to another ward. I think this semi move did me good to see how it felt to move from my room to another location. Though somehow I had accumulated many bags so it took a while to send all of my stuff across! The new room was smaller but somehow better as the ward was less busy...so I was happy in my new home. Plus a familiar face was looking after me that evening...Caesar. Caesar had looked after me after my first operation nearly 3 years ago, so it was great to see him again. When asking him where he lived, 3 years ago he answered St. Reathem....in other words Streatham! It's been a standing joke with DW and I over the past few years so it was fun remind Caesar of this! (Sarah MacG - you can borrow this one!!!).

Saturday 20th May

Finally time to go home. I was still feeling unsure but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go for it...though due to various waits for discharges and pain meds we didn't get on the road until late afternoon.

From the bottom of my heart I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who visited me in hospital over this week...especially the food deliveries that saved me from hospital food. Sorry to have missed a visit from Mike and Jen whilst they were over from Seattle but a huge thank you for the flower delivery.

Most of all the biggest thank you goes to DW for sleeping by my side most nights...you kept me feeling sane and safe even though I know like me you were scared. I love you super duper amounts.
: )

And then we arrived home...well back to a place where I had spent a couple of nights amongst boxes before my hospital stay occurred. But thanks to the Welinder Snrs unpacking further, I actually walked into a place that really did feel like home.

I also saw the previous evening's delivery of equipment to help me around the bathroom...one toilet surround and one perch stool...and yes I do feel like a ninety year old! Shower chair to arrive.

It took a while to get used to walking around the new house and finding my step, including regressing to being a child again and having my mum help me in the shower but slowly, slowly day by day I've made progress...my movement has improved, the pain has been controlled and I'm showering solo...sure there are painful moments but overall things are moving in the right direction. But it's good to be home, somewhere that feels good for the soul and that's what's important now.

Plus it's been wonderful to welcome people into our new home...so a big thank you to everyone who has visited, it's been a great boost to see you all.

A massive thank you to my parents as well for cleaning, gardening and generally looking after us. You've been absolute superstars!

Here are a few pics from Cookham life from the past few weeks...

Beautiful tulips...from the Lawes'

Feel good fish pie made by the incredible chef Emily Wright...it certainly did make us feel good!

The shower chair...super handy when needed to shave one's legs!

Just one Cornetto....

A special arrival from the Biscuiteers for a very special lady. : )

A room with a view...

Beautiful Cookham garden...an oasis of paradise

After a week of being at home I had cabin/ Cookham fever so we ventured out for some dinner at the Dog & Badger...a very happy DW with his burger. : )

Despite my tastebuds holding strong, I've not drunk any coffee for weeks. This morning DW was making coffee Swedish style...it smelt so good I decided to have a cup...and boy did it taste good!

Welcoming Mr Potato Head and Slinky to their new home

A visit from the Pattinson-Jones'...the boys with the beautiful Amelie.

Finally, a week after arriving home....I made it to the river from our house. Only 10 minutes away but it had seemed a world away earlier in the week.

Oh yes...and I have a stick...the old lady equipment list keeps on giving....it's partly for security as well as support...but I may have to buy this boat - 'Vicky Baby'...

A sweet treat from Cutsie Cupcakes....dessert for a special evening with the Hamiltons.

Time to feed the ducks with some stale bread...oh wait we only have ciabatta... : ) The Thames side ducks were definitely not liking this style of bread!

A Sunday night supper with Kim and DW...BBQ'd monkfish with DW's favourite sauce...cherry tomatoes, capers and parsley (lots of garlic), samphire, BBQ'd asparagus and Jersey royals...Tonight was the first night that I've missed having a glass of wine...but I stayed true and remained on some sparkling water...#cleanliver

We're still clearing out the old house and I found these, which should have been framed years ago...

A bank holiday Monday stroll...my longest walk of the week...probably around 1.5 miles...slowly, slowly getting the mileage up.

Bank Holiday Monday supper...grilled mackerel, wild rice and herb salad with kohlrabi and chive salad...Omega 3 levels high!

Sunshine sunflowers from Jackie & Andrew....thank you so much.

Tuesday 30th May

I finally brought myself today to start writing again in my notebook...so a more detailed account will now occur! For some reason I've not been able to bring myself to write properly until now...some of that we can put down to being spaced out on meds/ being in pain and some it is potentially good old fashioned writer's block.

A teary day but we're all allowed a wobble right? I don't know why I felt like this. Perhaps DW going away to Luxembourg bubbled everything to the surface...but it was only one night. Or perhaps it's my ovaries shutting down again through chemo that is causing hormonal changes...or a sudden realisation of what's been going on the past few weeks. Who knows but I felt very teary and extremely overwhelmed with the world. My parents were luckily around to support but I hate them seeing me cry...guess being brave is also showing your vulnerability at times.

However, on a more positive note my Dad and I had a good trip up to Breast Cancer Haven for my acupuncture session. I miss my independence but am so lucky to have amazing people who enable me to do the things I like to do. It was wonderful to finally show him this special place that he's supported through various fundraising events and a place that has supported me through good and bad times. I find having acupuncture strange compared to other therapies...as once the needles are in you're left to your own devices...maybe too much headspace...but perhaps I'll book in a reflexology.

What I will say for acupuncture is that for me it seems to really work as I didn't get my usual 6.30-8pm backache...in fact with my parents I managed my longest walk to date. Keep tracking the positives VW. : )

The other positive of the day was seeing all of my friends at Breast Cancer Haven and getting the warmest hugs from everyone.

So today's gratitude is for my Dad driving me to Fulham and back, doing the longest walk to date, feeling the sunshine on my face, for my Mum cleaning the house and helping in every possible way she can and for Little Miss Sunshine being my bedside companion whilst DW was away. Plus for my parents babysitting me overnight so I wouldn't be on my own...thank you super duper amounts, as I know the Lux trip gave DW some escapism time.

Wednesday 31st May

Bugg@ar!!! Somehow I slept through my 8am meds alarm...so the next thing I knew it was my 9am alarm (sorry early bird peeps) going off...so I needed to take my meds...wait 20 mins or so before I could really get going and I had a 10am appointment, thankfully at the house! Darnnit!

My appointment was with Karen, a Macmillan nurse from the Thames Hospice...how the bloody hell did I get into a position to be having this conversation?! I was still feeling pretty emotional from the day before, so when she started asking me questions that felt more invasive such as about faith and then about DW...Niagara falls started. Anyway the positive is another support person...so we'll leave it there.

Next stop physio...I'm not sure of the benefit at the moment but I'll take the lower back massage for now...but it did mean that I could go and say hello to Regina to show her I could walk once more! It was so lovely receiving a Regina and Jane (by Windsor breast care nurse hug).

Thanks to the brilliant parental pair, next stop was home for lunch extraordinaire delivered by the amazing Yseult Caroff-Richeux! Ottolenghi style lunch...the best food I've had in weeks...the lunch menu has been set high!

Après lunch was chatting in the sunshine....so a truly wonderful way to spend the afternoon! Thanks YCR for an amazing feast!

Next stop....Waitrose to buy food for my dinner date with the ever wonderful Leonie Cormack-Cook, or as she'll always be in my heart, Wonechen. It's always great to catch up with someone who you've grown up with and talk about everything...including today's topic of what could I have done to prevent this menace returning...the conclusion was relatively little...well Wonechen in fact ruled out everything...but sometimes I just can't help wondering...but then I just have to stop...as nurse Lars always says...you are where you are and just go from there...so listen here you pesky mets, it's time for you to go as you're not welcome within my body, or anyone else's for that matter!

Around 10ish I heard the key in the door...DW was back....it was so lovely to see his handsome face return and to some degree a feeling of relief that my soul mate had returned home.

Today's gratitude is for my parents looking after me, for a super star lunch with Yseult, for sunshine on my back, for dinner chat with Wonechen and most of all a goodnight kiss from DW.

Thursday 1st June

Tired.com this morning...perhaps yesterday was a bit too jam-packed...but this girl can...but this girl also needs to pace herself better...

I rushed to meet Rachel and Amelie for a walk around the Odney Club in Cookham...on the way to meeting them I realised it was my first unaccompanied walk...you can do this and do this I did! In fact this morning I felt the best I had all cycle.

So good in fact our sunshine stroll broke my walking record and got me to nearly 2 miles...still low compared to my regular 6 miler walks but I'm getting there...the nattering and laughter definitely helped!

Girlies walks in the sunshine...

After lunch however I crashed...a nap turned into 3 hours of snoozing and then just as I was about to eat dinner I had to be sick...what is this?! Ah perhaps called exhaustion...or realistically just an act of random sickness...still frustrating given the morning's vitality!!! And lesson number whatever number to myself...more rest m'lady.

DW wanted to play tennis and I was determined to pop to see another Rachel for tea....and I'm so glad I did. It was so relaxing to sit in her garden and have a chat in between getting some black labrador love from Tess...

Today's gratitude is for DW from every kiss to mundane acts such as unloading the dishwasher, you're the best husband and friend I could have ever wished for. On today's list is also the sunshine stroll and being able to walk that far, to both Rachel's for your love and support and for feeling like myself this morning...it's the small things for sure that we need to all treasure.

Friday 2nd June

A very happy birthday to the decade twins Sammy and Xanthe! : )

After a more relaxing Thursday my energy levels seemed much better this morning. DW and I headed over to our old house to sort out more stuff...it is feeling like an endless job, even with my parents doing a lot of the work...we will get there but then we found out that our buyer had blimin' pulled out...grrr!!! Still it buys more time to sort stuff out...no need to dwell or go into details but grrrr! I could feel my back niggling away so I knew a time out was due....and thanks to the wonderful Debbie Grierson, lunch was prepared and served... 

Maxi dress chef creating and serving a tomato & pesto tart followed by a coffee & walnut cupcake....

I should mention at this stage that I think there might be some lunch making competitiveness with my Wednesday chef...as diplomacy is my middle name I'm just feeling very privileged to have had two amazing lunch dates this week...I'll leave you to fight it out amongst yourselves/ vote! : ) Thanks so much D for a wonderful Friday lunch date and a cuppa in the sunshine. xxx

Pretty peonies...from the beautiful maxi dress wearing lady. : )

As a tag team, Debbie departed and then Eoin entered...and also enjoyed a coffee & walnut cupcake. Congratulations were to be given as Eoin's just completed on his new house - can't wait to see it! So a lovely tea time date in the sunshine and a good catch up on the world and its wife. After Eoin left I knew it was rest time...yep, you heard right I realised it was rest time and time to STOP! So some French Open tennis was required and I tried to look out for Kim as she had voyaged over to Paris for a day of tennis! Thankfully, due to the fabulous Emily Wright we had more Feel Good fish pies in the freezer so dinner was an easy task as I really didn't have the energy to cook...so thanks lovely for the supply of these as they are super yummy and come in handy on low energy days...

It perked me up to give me energy to head over to Hamilton HQ and have a much needed catch up with Rob and Ces...DW and I love these evenings with you guys...a great end to the week with a lot of laughter. : )

As DW has taken the role of chauffeur on as well as many other things he definitely deserved his late night glass of red under the vines...

Today I'm grateful for seeing amazing friends...Debbie, Eoin, Rob and Ces but also for friends who text on daily basis, Kim and Ces, for watching the birds dance around the garden, hearing DW laughing at The Simpsons and something most of us take for granted but being able to walk. CH you're completely inspiring me with your determination...you're one incredible lady. xxx

Saturday 3rd June

My laundry service popped in (aka my parents)...thank you.

On a gorgeous day like today, there is only one thing to do and that is to walk by the Thames. One of the main benefits of the new house is being able to get to the river in a relatively short time, well it's getting quicker each day....DW even praised my speed increasing and I'm telling you that type of praise is hard to come by!!!

A little bit of paradise...

At the end of the walk I could feel a niggly sensation...time to stop...and get in the car as today was nails and haircut day! If you're ever in the SW15 area and in need of your nails being tended to, then London Grace is the place to go...enough of the selling front!

However, the superstar of today is Charleen my wonderful friend and hairdresser....she's supported me through the pain of regrowing my hair and now is supporting me in this next stage whatever this stage is...my hair has definitely thinned and annoying it's on top...so trusting Charleen implicitly we went for a short bob...it's not what I wanted but she did a great job given the circumstances! Thanks so much for being my hairdresser but also my friend...I love coming to see you for our catch ups.xxx

When in Putney there is only one place to dine and that is at Casa Achilli with Luca, Moira, Giulia and Greta...

Boys in blue eat charcuterie....

I love Luca's passion for food...he's inspired me many times over the years I've known him and tonight's dinner was fantastico (as he's favourite Italian chef would say....ok L, I know how much you hate Gino D'Campo!)...

Sundried tomato & olive cod en papillote avec asparagus and roasted sweet potato

Tonight was filled with love and laughter...two very special girls in my life are Giulia and Greta, it's wonderful seeing them change each time we meet and I can't help but to laugh when Greta hits my ass if I'm bent over (then struggle to keep a straight face when Moira is telling her not to as I've got a bad back)...hugs and kisses with them make me forget the enormity of the crap...not to mention their very special parents who are supporting us every step of the way. Grazie mille to the Putney pack for a wonderful evening. : ))

A very good day and boy what a difference 2 weeks makes. Today I'm grateful for riverside walks with DW, feeling almost normal (aside from my walking stick, which I said was for a bad back, I didn't tell the nail lady about my life so in a way it was a form of escapism), DW just being DW and making me laugh, Charleen for going above and beyond, the Putney pack for their unconditional love and support....as I'm writing tears are streaming as I feel so very blessed with everyone in our lives...goodbye mets...some people need me to stick around for a long time. 

Sunday 4th June

Another family visit to the old house...my Dad to mow the lawn that has become a meadow and my Mum to hoover the dust field that had been sitting behind furniture....DW and I were sorting more things to throw out/ head to a local charity store...Luke and Natalie popping in to tell us about their Portuguese adventure (Lisbon I am coming back...just keep a seat for me). Real life tasks, which horrify DW...take him around Waitrose on a busy Sunday afternoon and you'll see a rabbit in the headlights! But another walk around the beautiful Odney club...walking stick there as a just in case measure...a visit from the Hamiltons to welcome them to our new home (C, know this was big effort so thank you) and finally no Sunday would be complete without a Sunday night supper...

Tonight's is Malabar prawn curry from Dhruv Baker's book Spice...he's a genius with spicing and between DW and I we made a pretty good team to create this...

And who needs alcohol when you can have Ginger & Lemongrass cordial with some San Pellegrino?!

As you can see it's been a pretty full on month, hence my blog's radio silence. The month of May has been manic for many reasons but I'm so grateful to be in June and to see what it will bring. I have good and bad...well let's call them challenging days. I'm currently in debate as to whether to change my diet further...you read of radical remissions and I hope (being my word, yes I own it) to have one...will a diet change aid this further...no one knows...so we'll see. Certainly it seems refined sugar is one to cut out....hmmm.

Today I'm grateful for life, love and laughter...for everyone who has made me smile, sent a supportive text, provided food, lifts, gardening, washing...essentially everything...and above all else my soul mate DW...I couldn't do this without you. I love you beyond words right to my very core.

Tomorrow is Carboplatin round 3...I'm nervous, resigned and up for it in equal measures. Nike tell us to 'Just do it'...so I will, as the other choice available is not an option! As a precautionary measure I'm staying overnight in hospital tomorrow in case of a flare but we're hoping that this round will be less eventful in time to celebrate my birthday on Friday! Fingers crossed for no surprises or add ins from Dr Parton tomorrow morning and perhaps we will understand the next part of the plan in terms of scans/ any amends to future treatments.

But for now, I wish you all the love, laughter and happiness in the world...and I'll try to be back in touch a bit quicker this time round!

All my love,

Vx