Song of the day (LH): Hangin' on a string - Loose Ends
Song of the day (VW): I got u - Duke Dumont
Today's the day! The day that way back in early March seemed a world away. Today should be the last chemo session. As you can imagine my sleep was slightly broken during the night. Small thoughts of doubt crept in, will it go ahead or not. Fingers crossed.
Dream team lined up check. End of chemo food and drink check. Presents for the nurses check. Let's go DW!
Arriving at PMH it was good news, I was back in my original room. This room is brighter than the other room and feels a bit more spacious. Every little helps.
Photo no.327 - my room number
Photo no.328 - my light at the end of the tunnel
I know what you're thinking...this room looks pretty dark but unfortunately the iPhone can't cope with different lighting scenarios, well I'm sure there's an app but I've not got it!
DW and I settled into a conversation with Jane regarding surgery. The aim was to really understand Miss P's reasoning and to gain Jane's thoughts. A tough chat but I wanted Jane to be completely open with me so that I could really get to grips with the surgery recommendation. Ultimately there are two reasons for Miss P's recommendation. One is that with immediate reconstruction more of the original breast's tissue is left, so more chance that some pesky cancer cells could have remained. The other is that if and I hope to God this is a never, but if it did recur in the same breast and reconstruction had happened, all of the reconstructed breast would have to be discarded of. Additionally, if this reconstruction had used a body part (e.g a back muscle) then this would not be an option for future reconstruction. So they're being cautious but rightly so, considering the breast (small) to lump ratio was high. Having gone through this in some detail, I fully respect their recommendation and believe it is the right call for me. Yes, I know other surgeons may do a reconstruction at the same time but overall I think this is the best solution for me. Though of course I am petrified of waking up and realising my boob has gone.
The second part of the meeting was discussing prosthetic options. Oh God how did I end up here? Straight after surgery apparently I get to pop something called a comfie into my bra and then a bit later I move onto a silicone prosthesis. Despite my small boobs I couldn't believe how big and heavy this was. DW also got the 'pleasure' of feeling this. It must be so bizarre for him, the poor love. I was also given a couple of mastectomy lingerie catalogues...these reminded Lars of top shelf magazines from his youth. Nicola Jane and Eloise Lingerie are two of the top brands for this market...have a peek if you fancy. It reminds me of the Doreen bra that I mentioned in an early post.
During this chat, Regina and Jill came in to take my vital stats and blood...be good cell count!
There was a knock at the door and a smiley Debbie popped her head round the corner...the dream team were here...can they come in? Five mins please! Jane really gave the reassurance we were looking for regarding surgery and also helped me start getting my mind around the post op 'look'...it's only temporary! I feel that this is going to be used a lot, akin to the hair, it will grow back conversations.....you know the response. Yes, this is a 2 year solution but still...how the hell did this happen! If only I had big bazookers, then it wouldn't be a full mastectomy. Oh well. It is what it is. Keep riding the wave.
Dream team, Debbie and Kim came in - Kim with frappucinos and Debbie with baked good, garden peas (are these like edamame was DW's response - the urbanite!) and other goodies. We were all set. It felt like an age for the blood test results to come in. Then Marianne walked in with a file and an apprehensive face....chemo is not happening....your white cell count is 0.1 too low. 0.1! Seriously! Of course I challenged the decision, as I knew the following day I would have a white cell boost from the Neulasta. DW had texted Rob as in a flash, my remote dream team member, Ces was calling in to help. We waited for Regina to come in to discuss with her. Frustratingly she had been in a meeting when the results had been sent to Dr Davis, as she mentioned she potentially could have persuaded Dr Davis to allow it to go ahead. But not today was the answer. Seriously 0.1!!! To be honest though, I was feeling shattered so in some ways this was not a bad call, however much it was disappointing and frustrating. Debbie, bless her thought she had hexed this situation, which she clearly hadn't!
I was unplugged from the drip and free to pack up the party...it felt so sad doing that. I went to retrieve the drinks from the fridge and Marianne came towards me with some scissors to cut off my hospital wrist band...Regina intervened and said to wait as she was going to make a call....a glimmer of hope? Regina returned a few minutes later and despite her best efforts the decision was still to wait. Come back on Wednesday for take two.
It was a tricky decision as Wednesday was much closer to the weekend (Elton John concert on Saturday) but waiting until the following week meant nurse Lars and chef Maggie would have returned to Sweden. Mmn...what to do! We provisionally said Wednesday and left slightly downbeat....though of course everyone was saying the right things and the reasons why it was better to postpone but we all knew it had been a bit of a blow.
So what are you to do in these situations...Regina's advice...go and have a glass of wine in the sunshine! Wine, I did not feel like, but a good lunch I did. Debbie, Kim and I drove over to Stubbings, while DW went home to spend some time with his parents. Arriving at Stubbings there was a notice about a kitchen closure...uh oh not today, not today!!! Thankfully it was for later that week...so we went in!
Photo no.329 - the special's board!
Photo no.330 - post lunch pic!
As Dr Ford had noted my tummy has increased in size....sigh...otherwise a delightful photo of the lovely Kim and I! Thanks Debbie and Kim for a post non chemo lunch, you're truly the best at keeping me sane! xxx
Arriving home, was tricky, two loved ones had flown in from Sweden to look after me for the week but that was now off the cards, so I felt terrible for them making the trip over for a non event. Still, it was lovely to see them and I think DW needed some quality time with his mum. One thing I knew, was that Mr Charlie Bigham's lasagne was off the menu for tonight!!! As the sun was shining, the thing to do was to BBQ!!! Some Pitt Cue & Co rub on some chicken, followed by BBQ'd peaches....amazing. It was also fab to have dinner outside. So some real positives from today, despite the frustration of being so darn close to the chemo finish line and seeing it move further forward. We'll see what happens on Wednesday.
Photo no.331 - beautiful orange blossom.
These are from an orange tree that DW bought for wedding anniversary last year. We're fairly traditional at heart so we're following the old fashioned list...year 4 was fruit & flowers. So an orange tree was my gift...what this picture can't convey is the smell. It was utterly incredible. I love you DW! xxx
Tuesday 24th June
Song of the day (VW): Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel
Song of the day (LH): Have you seen her - The Chi-Lites
My only orders from my medical team were to rest. Rest and more rest. To be honest, I knew that was required so I listened and did as I was told. Firstly I slept in until midday, bliss. Then I read and pottered, oh how old I am sounding! I had no desire to do anything, a sure sign of things not being right with me, so much lounger time was required.
Photo no.332 - orange blossom comes outside....
There are two plants that DW cares about in our dwelling, the orange tree and the curry plant. All the others are irrelevant, so I ensured that the orange tree received some sunshine.
Photo no.333 - we've got pears!
Last year, two lovely ladies gave me a pear tree and this year we have fruit! Now we just have to wait for them to ripen.....
A voicemail pinged in from Moira, asking me to call her back. I'm not going to go into the details of the following conversation but all I do want to say is that our hearts and thoughts are reaching out to the whole Achilli family. We love you very much.
The only thing on my schedule was a pedicure, so that's all I did. It was such a pleasure walking around the Odney grounds with Maggie, hearing her talk about them with such childlike enthusiasm. It's so beautiful there but often I'm rushing to the spa, so it was great to have 20 minutes before my appointment to take in how magnificent it was looking.
My song of the day has been in my head for the last couple of days. The riff really gets you, good for the soul.
Photo no.334 - Sichuan prawns (that old classic) al fresco!
I went to bed apprehensively....will tomorrow go ahead. I half suspected not as I was still feeling fairly tired but you never know. Worth a try! Today's news has further confirmed that life is so short, so enjoy everyday as you never know what is coming....live, eat and drink well. Good night.xxx
Wednesday 25th June
Song of the day (VW): Miles Davis
Song of the day (LH): Thinking out loud - Ed Sheeran
Last chemo take 2.....action! Chemo party bag packed still from Monday...lets take it. This time it was a more subdued affair. We had agreed with the Welinders snr and Debbie that we would text once the blood count was back to let them know whether it was a go and for them to come or not. I felt tired so suspect the red light would still be on but here goes. As it was just DW and I it was a fairly quiet morning. When Regina came in to plug me in, I put on her favourite gospel singer's concert so that we could have a singalong and Regina even busted some moves for me. Blood taken...the waiting game started.
Photo no.335 - all set up for the final session....
I actually felt a bit spaced out and my vision went a bit blurry so DW reached for the Coca Cola, which definitely perked me up. He is the most supportive man in the world but he's not one for small talk so it was a peaceful wait for the blood results.....in between texts from my remote team!
No go....Regina came in and said the results were the same from the small machine. Just in case she had asked for them to be run on the large machine but she/ we suspected the result would be the same. Stand down team. I have to say, I'm so lucky she was really pushing the boat out for me. As suspected the results were the same, so the decision was made, come back again on Monday. I think she thought I was really deflated but actually I was really tired, so it was the right thing to happen...plus it meant that my night with Elton should be good...Ces and I had always planned for this.
It felt good to be home and it meant that DW could head into work. Nurse Lars came up with an excellent suggestion of going to The Crown for a burger...so we made a call and a table was available. Excellent.
Right more resting time please. I spent the rest of the afternoon in close proximity to the lounger. The doorbell rang at one point...Maggie answered the door - 'Mrs Welinder?'...yes (to be honest if someone said Mrs Welinder, I would think of Maggie first)...then she paused and I came through to see what it was....
Photo no.336 - a stunning bouquet from a beautiful lady...thanks darling Emily! xxx
After many hours of resting, it was time for dinner and a great dinner it was. The Crown at Bray is consistently good and was the best dinner out I've had in a while and as you have seen I've been trying!!! Plus we got to dine outside, in part thanks to the heaters that they had available but still it's so much nicer to sit outside, particularly as inside it feels a bit more wintry.
Photo no.337 - perfect parfait, brioche and sweet & sour onions
This chicken liver parfait is pretty perfect, well I thought it was until Emily made some pate from Delia recipe....Delia vs Heston...tough one but Delia might take the edge! Still this one is pretty darn good.
Photo no.338 - The Crown hot dog - no need to say anything.
Photo no.339 - Welinders - junior and senior!
Oh my what a chubby monster I look...less dinners involving parfait and hot dogs...more exercise young lady!!!
Photo no.340 - good vase idea!
A truly lovely evening.
Thursday 26th June
Song of the day (VW): Perfect - Fairground Attraction
Song of the day (LH) Don't be cruel - Bobby Brown
Today began with a calm start of some yoga and meditation as I pulled forward my session from next week. It was calm but hayfever and trying to focus on your breathing aren't such a great combo, so I wasn't as relaxed as usual. Davinder's dog, Toffee, was very relaxed, as I could hear him snoring during my meditation. Bless him, it's a tough life! Around half way through, a pneumatic drill started up, not very zen. Davinder calmly told me to keep my cat's pose whilst she investigated. A brickie can never turn down a tea break offer so thankfully this is what they did for the rest of my yoga session.
I was feeling good today. I could feel that the week of rest was really paying off. Clearly, you know what this means, I end up doing more than perhaps I should. After yoga, I took a walk into Maidenhead, not the most inspiring walk but still some exercise for this seemingly become pile of jelly! The fruit and veg stall caught my eye as the fennel looked incredible, they also had cherries at a price where I didn't need to take out a second mortgage to buy them. I think cherries are potentially my favourite fruit when they're perfectly ripe, seeping out that dark red juice, there are few fruits that can beat at the beautiful cherry. So good on a sunny summer's day.
Photo no.341 - one of the finest fruits...I present the cherry!
I love the peeps who work on the fruit and veg stall, calling out the various price per pound for difference fruit and veg. It's an art, not one that I'd be good at!
Arriving home, I decided to tackle the pile of ever growing paperwork. I don't know why I don't just file things as they arrive as in the long run it'd be quicker but hey I guess I can give myself a break on this one. Of course going through the pile meant I found things that I should have done. One of which was to buy a book that the nutritionist at the Haven had recommended. I can imagine this experience for me is similar to what new parents go through. You didn't know the genre existed but once you start looking you're amazed at how much literature there is. It's crazy. So I bought the book I was recommended and checked out! I also had the feeling of how the hell did I get to this section in the bookshop. Keep going. Don't think.
As a post paperwork treat, I went over to have tea with Rachel and Maddie, which was lovely. I know what you're thinking...where's the resting happening...mmn!
Dinner tonight was Jamie's Salmon with roasted fennel, tomatoes, parsley and lemon. It's so easy to make and a real crowd pleaser...no photo to show but I've got a feeling it's featured on a Sunday night dinner and will do so again. I had vowed not to have any wine, but there are some dishes that a glass of wine is necessary with and this is one of them. A glass of chardonnay is perfect....and even if you don't like chardonnay I bet you would with this dish!
Photo no.342 - beautiful orange blossom...more flowers, more fragrance.
I know I'm turning into an old woman with my plant pictures but I so appreciate the small things such as smelling the blossom...anyone would. It's incredible, so it's fantastic that more and more buds are opening. Fingers crossed for an orange!!! ; )
My mind had gone back to the second opinion quandary. I had a feeling that although I fully respected and ultimately would go with Miss P's view, I just wanted that second dialogue with an expert....so tomorrow I will make that call to see if I can get an appointment at the Marsden.
Friday 27th June
Song of the day (LH): True colours - Cyndi Lauper
Song of the day (VW): Forever - Haim
Tired.com. So yep, VW you did do too much yesterday. A friendly face came over for a cuppa and commented on how well I was looking. Maggie and Lars also said the same, so clearly my resting had done some good, perhaps I had gone into relaxation mode which was why I was feeling so tired. Who knows! Despite feeling tired my brain was very much alert...tired but wired springs to mind. I spent most of the morning reading, which is nothing I can complain about doing.
I called the consultant's secretary who I wanted to see at the Marsden...unfortunately they're not taking second opinion appointments at the moment. Well that closes that down, as they're the only person I really want to see. Bit annoying but hey that's the way it goes.
Photo no.343 - the bud fully open! Last orange blossom pic....but I'm not going to promise!
I had booked earlier that morning to see Dr Ford for something minor. He was brilliant as always and even apologised for making a comment around me gaining weight last time! I knew he was teasing me so I didn't mind in the slightest. Thought it's true! I'm so sad that he's leaving at the end of July as I would love him to be my GP permanently but I'm not prepared to move to Slough for the pleasure!!!
I walked home after my GP appointment and then my chauffeur, aka nurse Lars, very kindly drove me around town to pick up a few things, including more cherries...it's an addiction but a good one as they're high in vitamin C.
I felt the need to nap before the evening session started. I hopped into bed to really focus on getting a quality sleep in. But you know what, it just didn't happen. My mind was whirring. Not in a stressed way but it just didn't want to switch off. Ok, lets try some guided meditation....nope you don't even work today. Regardless I still got a good amount of pure rest, no electronics, no books, no magazines, just laying there.
Friday night has equivocally become curry night recently and that's exactly what was on the menu tonight, along with company from Kim and Eoin. I wasn't feeling completely myself but it was still a fab night...particularly when we got onto the topic of the song of the day. To accompany my choice today, please find DW's version below...along with the Tina dance this is fairly high up on my list of the funniest things I have seen. I love you DW!xxx
Movie no.1
After dinner, I had the unexpected pleasure of driving my dinner guests to Slough as the trains from Maidenhead were looking pretty dire for some unknown reason. What a delight to drive along the A4 on a Friday evening! ; ) I didn't mind at all as I very much appreciated the efforts of my urbanite friends coming out to the 'sticks' or something like that! A fab evening cut short by trains!xxx
Song of the day (LH): Freak like me - Adina Howard
Song of the day (VW): Fantasy - Earth, Wind and Fire
Song of the day (EH): This train don't stop there anymore - Elton John
Yep, someone else is taking part in the song of the day...the ever delightful Eoin Harty...needless to say the choices will be less than pedestrian. Love you big guy!
Today was the day that has been in the diary since last Christmas....a night with Elton! How we've managed to keep the secret from Rob I do not know. I wished I had sprung more of a surprise on DW but diagnosis made me even more of a blabber mouth.
I had a good lie in and got up even though I was still feeling tired. Hopefully after this last chemo session, I will stop boring you with the words tired, tiredness and tired.com. A quick shower and I went downstairs to say goodbye to the amazing Welinder snr support team...but they had snuck out whilst I was in the shower! D'oh!
After a relaxing breakfast with my DW, I drove to Odney for a nail refresh. It's so relaxing going there and feels like I've driven a world away, not just 10 minutes down the road. I stayed quite a while after they were finished to minimise any potential smudge incidents! I successfully returned home and thankfully had non eventful nail afternoon...I can't wait to be able to have shellac again so get a perfect non-smudgeable finish...then potentially my nail biting self will return once the chemo is out of my system.
My afternoon was filled with blog writing, accompanied by listening to Elton John in readiness for the evening. Your Song was the first track to come on and it brought me to tears...'How wonderful life is while you're in the world'....yes it is DW.xxx
A speedy transformation into an Elton outfit, following many texts that afternoon with Ces and Britta deciding what would be good as the weather wasn't look too good, and it was time for Welinder taxis to spring a surprise on Rob! He he he! Ces and I are good at this and it's so much fun planning these evenings. The other one we did was for Rob's 30th! So Welinder taxi's arrived at Hamilton HQ and gave a toot, toot, with Rocket Man blaring out....around the corner appeared Mr Hamilton...with a beaming smile...you coming to Elton! We sure are!!! Part one of the plan done.
After a short stop off to pick up car park tickets, grr ticketmaster we didn't need to, we headed to the next part of the plan dinner and meeting up with the rest of our Elton party!
Photo no.344 - surprise....it's an Elton party of 8!
We had a pre Elton dinner at the Red Lion in Stoke Poges with the rest of our crew, Mike & Celia and Dan & Britta. Plan part two, success!
After a good dinner, we drove back to Stoke Park to find our parking place and walk to the main event. Thankfully the boys had done some research, probably to avoid any moaning, and the girls had been told it was a 1.5km walk from the car park. Sensible shoes at the ready! There was such a good feeling and a sense of anticipation on the air. It was brilliant. We had all brought wet weather stuff with us as the concert was outdoors and brollies were not permitted during the performance....fingers crossed it stays dry! Well of course you know what was going to happen....just before the performance kicked off raindrops began to fall...waterproofs at the ready chaps!
Photo no.345 - Hussain Bolt...no, no Dan Lawes in wet weather gear!
Then silence fell....the main man appeared on stage. It was just one man and his piano...how was this going to work?
Photo no.346 - Elton tinkling the ivories.
I have to confess at this point, I'm not the biggest Elton fan. I've survived many a night with Rob and DW crooning Rocket Man and the like but he wouldn't be top of my list. Well that is until this evening. He was incredible. His piano playing was phenomenal using the base line to really give each song amazing depth and rhythm. Hats off to you Mr John!
Photo no.347 - somewhere over the rainbow...
Photo no.348 - hood at the ready...
For whatever reason I really like this photo....a bit self indulgent I know. Check out the grumpy lady behind me.
Photo no.349 - raindrop earring and windscreen wipers needed!
It rained a lot for the first half. Big thank you to Celia for the bin liners as they proved excellent waterproof blankets!
Photo no.350 - a happy DW!
Photo no.351 - Elton and us...
Then as Elton went into I'm Still Standing, the sunshine broke through and the rain stopped...people ripped off their plastic ponchos and such like and the dancing began!
Photo no.352 - the clouds broke...the dancing began!
Photo no.353 - 'Daniel my brother'....
Photo no.354 - Rocket Man burning out his fuse up here alone...
Photo no.355 - Rob giving his fan club a smile!
There were a few pints consumed by the boys...one boy in particular had to nip frequently to the loo, hopping over his seat to get out...at one point he got stuck much to the amusement of the ladies behind who on subsequent trips gave him a hawk eye cheer!!! : ))
Photo no.356 - B, B, B, Benny and the Jets....Benny, Benny.....
Photo no.357 - the conspirators!!!
As you can probably tell it was an incredible evening. Two hours of Elton later and we were a very happy bunch of slightly damp campers! I would thoroughly recommend seeing Elton when you get a chance, even if you don't think you'll like it, you'll love it, price tag aside!
With spirits high there was time to have a few drinks in the grounds of Stoke Park, which is spectacular. We all wished we had access to the hospitality area as it looked great fun but nonetheless it was time for an Elton debrief! Thankfully the tea stall was still open, as I was the designated driver so needed something to warm me up!
Photo no.358 - a fairytale walk back to the car
We had a magical walk back to the car, looking to left than at the graveyard to the right, but the fairy lights were so beautiful. Welinder taxi services spurred into action and of course the soundtrack home was the main man himself, EJ, as was sewn on the back of his rather sparkly suit! An absolutely wonderful evening with a great bunch of people! To be repeated!
Elton track of the night....so hard...I actually liked his blues songs the best as it really showed his flair for improvisation...so up there has to be Philadelphia Freedom (I don't like the album version but live this was incredible), Levon (again I don't really like the recorded version), Believe and of course Rocket Man...though amongst the group Benny and the Jets proved popular!
I ran a bath when I got back as I felt quite chilly from getting pretty wet and it not being the warmest of summer evenings. It was so relaxing and did the trick! My chest had been feeling tight towards the end of the evening and I had noticed that I had been coughing more than usual. A bedtime temperature check was done...36 degrees exactly...mmn that is on the low side even though I was feeling really warm from the bath. It works the same if my temperature dips low...below 36 degrees and it's a call to the hospital...please, please start going up. DW is great in these situations and really keeps us both calm, even though I think he's worried inside. I read for a bit and checked again. It wasn't going any lower, so time for sleep. Please go up, just a bit.....
Sunday 29th June
Song of the day (VW): This is the life - Amy Macdonald
Song of the day (LH): Hall of fame - The Script feat. will.i.am
Song of the day (EH): My silver lining - First Aid Kit
Of course the first thing I did this morning was a temperature check. Phew. Back into normal territory of 36.6 degrees. Great. The downside was that I felt robbed of a lie in as I didn't get to sleep until after 2am and then was awake on/ off from 8am. Nevermind, lets crack on with today!
DW had a haircut booked at Chez Stephan. Normally I'd love to go up to Putney with him, but today I decided the sensible, resting approach had to be taken. So I stayed at home....well I took a brief walk into town, as I needed to buy a cover for this...
Photo no.359 - finally the (proud) owners of a parasol.....which means my lounger days will be even better!
Of course now that we've put it up, what happens...yep, grey clouds. Thankfully they've blown away and as I'm writing now, I'm sat in glorious sunshine. Perfect writing position.
After DW returned from his haircut trip we took a walk along the Thames. No Sunday is complete without some sort of walk.
Photo no.360 - it's going to be a berry good season!
I know it's rather autumnal to think about right now but I love an apple and blackberry crumble. The sweetness of the apple with the sharpness from the blackberry...bliss!
Today I wanted to make the Sunday night dinner a delicious yet straightforward affair...here it is!
Photo no.361 - monkfish & chorizo kebabs with the ultimate greek salad...
It was given a double high five, high praise indeed! A great summer supper, complete with a few toasted pittas on the side.
Photo no.362 - Dessert...BBQ's peaches
Ok, I'm the first to admit that these don't look that great but boy do they taste it...they're truly like nectar from heaven, especially with some ameretti biscuits crumbled over the top! Pucker! ; )
Photo no.363 - this one is for you Maggie W! Colour! Pow!
So another week, a slightly frustrating one but a week of rest, good food, good company and lots of love, laughter and Elton. The rest was definitely required and despite still having a tiredness feeling, I do feel that my body has had some time back to gain back some strength. I'm keeping everything crossed and touching lots of wood that tomorrow goes ahead...please, please, please! I need to have this crossed off the chart, though I'm petrified about entering the next phase.
A big thank you to the Welinders Snr for coming over and looking after us last week, it was greatly appreciated. Another big thank you to everyone who helped me in a chemo session last week whether you were in the room or on remote standby or at the end of a phone line. I know it was frustrating and I hope to god that tomorrow goes ahead. The most love goes as always to DW...thank you. Right time for a bit of TV and the bed. Come on white cells, come on!!! xxx
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