Wednesday 5th February
Ok...so what do I do today stay at home and have endless time to think about the previous day/ wallow on the sofa or head into work and be around many wonderful people and have a normal Wednesday? I decided the latter was going to keep my positivity levels up so headed to work on my usual commute. As we were going away the next day, I called my mum to ask her to buy me some medical stuff - nothing serious. My mum seemed more upbeat but then I found out that my dad hadn't gone to work....why?....because of the impact of the news that I had had to deliver to them the previous night. It was at this point it really hit me the severe impact that this news would have on so many people around me. I was mentally focussed on being positive and needed everyone around me to be super positive and smiling....perhaps too selfish a view but with hindsight I can now understand why he was feeling this way.
Arriving into work, I was met by the world's most amazing chocolate fudge cake as promised by Debbie (who will be named and shamed as part of the weight gain group of bakers!)! The work day passed in a blur, mainly with me updating people receiving hugs, tears and smiles from many friendly faces. I left work with some apprehension, as I was going to meet my parents at my house for the first time since I had told them the news. We all put a brave face on. I think my mum at this stage wasn't ready to accept the prognosis as she was keen to wait for the biopsy results but facing into this early was important for me, so I found myself being extremely strong minded and saying that I had accepted so I thought she needed to as well...this was hard but in a way acceptance coming early has helped with the receiving of various pieces of news. I've not felt angry or the 'why me', which I know Daniel is constantly battling with. My view is that, it has happened so I need to focus on getting better and kicking this thing.
Huge hugs and a cup of tea later my parents left and so it was packing time!
Thursday 6th February
One of the things I have been pondering with is what should a boob feel like? I can't recall when going through puberty anyone telling me what a boob should feel like. I can remember the teenage sex talks, anti abortion groups coming into school, period discussions but absolutely nothing about boobs. Subsequently, talking to friends they've all said the same thing and generally have only touched a friend's boob if they've had a boob job. Perhaps a perk of a same sex relationship to have a reference point! One friend thought her boobs felt like a bag of sand...mine are so small so I can sort of understand her point but not completely. To this point, I found myself in the sample cupboard at work catching up with two of my closest work colleagues saying how I believe we should be generating more awareness for girls going through puberty. One of my colleagues then asked to feel my lump.....many of you may think this is slightly strange but actually I was happy to offer this 'opportunity', though it would have been hilarious if one of the few males in our team had walked in!!! I guess as with boobs, lumps vary but at least it's a base to go from.
I left the office late afternoon to head home for some last minute packing and dancing in the kitchen to Lisa Stansfield (thanks Lee Homer!). The taxi journey to the airport for whatever reason felt really surreal. It almost felt like I was leaving the cancer at home for the weekend. I was focussed on Daniel and I having an amazing weekend away as we had originally planned. A dream journey through Heathrow terminal 3 (terminal 5 is still preferred!), some make up purchases (of course!) and a cosy flight later, we arrived in Lisbon. Driving through the city to our hotel, I felt like I had arrived home and could finally breathe.
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