What did we have planned for 2014? Starting a family, going on foreign adventures, discovering more wine regions, finally deciding where we should live (!)..........instead fate decided to take care of this decision for us and give us a whopper of a challenge to overcome....breast cancer!
The first couple of entries will summarise the first few weeks with some photos to capture our days. Subsequent entries will be based on a photo of the day with a short entry (or longer if I'm feeling that way inclined!). Needless to say, I'm not the world's best literary talent but the aim of my blog is for us to capture the journey we're now on and for all my friends and family to come along with us.
Monday 20th January
Just another manic Monday...work followed by Zumba and thank god for Zumba! It was this evening that I remember feeling in the shower a lump in my left boob (let's go with boob, slight less informal than the medical breast term!). Coming downstairs, I said to Daniel after dinner could he feel my boobs....and not not for sexy time! I didn't tell him which boob felt weird to make it a fair test. Immediately, he felt the lump and said it felt like you've bumped yourself on something. Ok...so I wasn't going crazy that I had felt something and on reflection that boob had been feeling a bit itchy for the past few weeks or so but hey it was winter so dry skin is common. We decided to leave it a week before I booked a doctor's appointment as my period was due so it could have been hormonal.
Monday 27th January
Post Zumba check again......the lump was still there same size but Daniel thought it felt harder. Ok....time to book a doctor's appointment.
Tuesday 28th January
Appointment made for Thursday 30th January.....'is your appointment urgent'??? I don't know but Thursday seemed fine. I mention the appointment to world's best boss...the amazing Debbie Grierson....tell her not to freak out. We then discuss the various things it could and could not be.
Wednesday 29th January
Moral support dinner with the lovely Kim in Chiswick.
Thursday 30th January
The appointment with the wonderful Dr Ford. Lump confirmed......what do you think it could be??? Mmn breast cancer...cysts...a weird alien life form?! I must say this is where you understand how truly amazing the NHS is....at this point my case was logged as suspected breast cancer, as this would mean that I would need to be seen and diagnosed within 2 weeks of this initial GP appointment. Walking out the surgery I felt fine until I turned left and saw a funeral hearse driving down the other side of the road....brilliant! Just what I needed. I called Daniel to explain what had been discussed in the meeting, slightly teary but feeling at least things were about to progress. In some ways this day and the following morning were amongst my most most anxious times as waiting for the initial appointment at The Parapet clinic felt agonising, as until that was booked nothing was happening.
Friday 31st January
Feeling anxious, I popped back into the doctor's surgery as I needed to pick up an internet logon....ridiculous I know but in some ways this was the best thing I could have done. On picking it up, I checked with the receptionist if my case had been faxed over to the Parapet. Thankfully it had been and the receptionist assured me I would hear from the Parapet clinic very soon.......feeling relieved I headed off to work. The beauty of my job is that I get to talk to lots of people, so that's exactly what I did that morning keeping my phone within ear shot. Then late afternoon, I finally got the call.......can you come on Tuesday? Tuesday as in 4th February.....yes that's right....AMAZING!!! Of course I can! Phew.....next step booked.
Tuesday 4th February
The Parapet day......originally I had planned to go on my own for this appointment. However, over the weekend before I was suddenly hit with the what if feeling and the fact that I could not make THAT call to Daniel if the news wasn't good. So we decided to go together....the best decision it turned out. Arriving at the clinic parking was a nightmare (common theme!), so I jumped out of the car and Daniel headed off to Windsor FC, as apparently there was ample parking there. Showtime!
At this point I should explain the reason for the name of this blog......Victoria in Wonderland....Firstly, this whole experience is surreal....a dream you hope at times but then you are suddenly very awake and know it's very real, too real. And the other is this quote:
"ALICE: How long is eternity?
RABBIT: Sometimes just one second."
Back to the Parapet......the clinic was absolutely full and finding a seat was challenge number one. Daniel thankfully joined me after his short trip to Windsor FC. Finally I was called through for an ultrasound and met Dr Moreland who made me feel totally at ease. After the ultrasound I was marshalled in for my first mammogram....ladies this an experience.....and chaps imagine your bits being crushed in a vice and you've pretty much got it! So for once a true comparison unlike child birth (which equally I've no experience of). At this point, I went to see Daniel feeling slightly scared and a bit teary to update him and to let him know I was about to have a needle biopsy. Back in the room with Dr Moreland I was given some local anaesthetic and had biopsies taken from my lymph nodes and boob itself. Being a bit of a needle phobe, not my idea of fun but I was constantly reassured by Dr Moreland and the nurse (so sorry I never knew your name). The other thing going through my mind, was that Daniel and I were due to fly out to Lisbon at the end of that week for a weekend away....so could we still go?? The answer.....absolutely go and enjoy yourselves...Yay!
After the biopsy I was asked to wait with Daniel until we were due to catch up with one of the consultants. We waited for around 40 minutes and as each minute passed the waiting room got quieter and quieter until we were the last two there.....quietly suspecting as time passed by that this might not be such good news. We were then called through and accompanied by a lady who introduced herself as Martina. Strange, I thought at the time that we were being chaperoned into the consultant's room but soon we would understand why. The look on the consultant's face was solemn and I remember her covering her notes as I sat down, so that I could not take a peek. The usual pleasantries were exchanged...age, job etc and then "Although the biopsy results aren't back we need you to prepare for the fact that next week, we'll need to start talking treatment plans with you, as were highly confident that you've got breast cancer".....even as I'm writing this now I'm viewing myself as a spectator, not that this is/ was actually happening to me...Wonderland ah no reality. The lady who had accompanied us into the room was then introduced as a specialist cancer nurse....things started clicking into place. I was then examined by the consultant and surrounded by 2 nurses, whilst my lovely Daniel was sat there thinking god knows what. Back to more important stuff would we still be able to head off to Lisbon? Again it was a resounding absolutely! This may sound banal but sometimes little things like this become important at the weirdest moments.
The meeting with the consultant was wrapped up and then Martina walked us into another room, which I've affectionately dubbed the "room of doom". It's like the room you see on so many medical dramas....soft chairs, pale green with lots of tissue boxes floating around...i.e. it makes you think it's the end....but it's not! I can't recall much of this meeting aside from Daniel putting his arm around me, him thanking them for such an amazing service, me trying to hold back the inevitable tears and knowing that we were due back the following Wednesday.
Walking out of the clinic, we both felt disoriented. I was overcome with guilt....guilt that this poor guy in front of me was faced with this dreadful situation that had decided to bestow itself into our lives and there was nothing either of us could do to fix it in a flash. I think walking back to the car we were both shellshocked but once in the car we both just melted into a pool of tears. It's strange as subsequent people I told put a positive spin in that we shouldn't worry about this until the biopsy confirmed the initial view....but I think we both knew that the prediction would come true and it was better to face into it there and then. Afterall, the medical team see many cases everyday, so it was highly unlikely it would be different.
Arriving home, we both meandered aimlessly around the house. I then called Debbie (remember world's best boss) and revealed the news to her. Debbie in turn became my work communication's director, as I had mentioned to a few people (you know who you are and I will treasure all of your support forever) and my personal bakery service....lemon & mascapone cake, chocolate fudge or the appropriate Victoria sponge..your choice! Daniel in the meantime called his parents. It was hard for me to work out how to tell my parents...one thing that was for sure was that I didn't want to tell either of them when they'd be on their own. Like the guilt I had felt for Daniel earlier that day, I felt it as well when I went to make that call to my parents. I hate to worry anyone, so for me this made telling my parents all the more harder. Like any parent, my mum's reaction was that she coming over but I had to be strong and say she wasn't...you see if they'd have come over it'd have been a night of tears and emotions and what we needed was a night of laughter and perhaps a glass of wine! So that's exactly what we did...raw with emotion we travelled up the M4 to chez Kim and Emily and opened a bottle of pink fizz to officially announce the start of me kicking cancer's butt! This is the best thing we could have possibly done and I'll be eternally grateful to these two amazing ladies for looking after us so well that night...even Daniel was defeated by the amount of cous cous on offer.
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