Goodbye 2017...hello 2018

Well it's been a while...in fact the last time I posted was in July. Somehow over the past few months I've lost my mojo...for writing, cooking...in fact I have simply been finding a lot of things tough. The D word was being used a lot but despite many productive counselling sessions (thanks Vivienne), seeing a psychologist, there was no getting away from it...for the first time in my life I was clinically depressed. When retelling the story of this year to a psychiatrist a few weeks ago he asked me to step back and view the story as if it was someone else uttering the words. Then he said, "It's no surprise you're feeling depressed". Perhaps it's no surprise but I just didn't want to feel this way anymore, I wanted my mojo back...I wanted to be inspired to cook dinners for DW again and really enjoy life...so on 3rd December I started taking anti-depressants. A few days after this I felt the best I had done mentally in months, my zest for life, joie de vivre, however you want to say it was coming back and I could feel a real change...of course it was placebo as these tablets take a few weeks to kick in and restore emotional equilibrium (thanks BD for this phrase) and I took a dip after this as my body decided a bout of shingles was needed but nearly a month on I am so glad that I had that meltdown Monday which led me to seeing a psychiatrist. I finally have been given the ladder to help me out of the darkness.

So on New Year's Eve 2017 it's time to celebrate and reflect on the positives from the last few months...the biggie was returning to work on a part-time basis. It's been so wonderful to see the many wonderful people in my team and across the Waitrose campus, you've all kept me exceptionally sane and hugs from my boss, Yseult have been super welcome each week. Despite the shingles I think I've managed to head into work every week since this reappearance...baby steps but it's been great to have another focus. Another biggie was getting back behind the wheel, including a trip up to Chiswick for a Christmas wreath making with two wonderful women in my life (K&E). Being teetotal is definitely a win for DW on evening's out as well. Walking has been a big focus as well and thanks to Macmillan I see Tessa, an exercise coach once a week who has helped me to return to my normal walking speed so that DW and I can really enjoy long walks once more.

I'm up to just over 5 miles, which when thinking back to May is a real achievement. DW and I even managed a couple of weekends away...sheer bliss staying in the Cotwolds including visiting Daylesford Organic and DW partying the night away at the O2 with Pete Tong and the Heritage Orchestra have provided magical moments and brief glimpses of escapism. All of these achievements would have seemed small fry this time last year and I so wish they were but I've come to accept and celebrate the small achievements. Within the last few weeks I've also slowly, slowly regained my mojo for cooking...the culmination was cooking Christmas Day lunch with DW which was potentially one of the best things I've eaten all year. I had months during autumn when eating breakfast was almost impossible and became dependent on hot cross buns for morning energy.

I'm guessing the proverbial elephant in this post is what is happening medically...well in a nutshell we'll find out this week coming. In October I switched from chemo to a hormone based regime to block every bit of oestrogen in my body...for some reason the pesky cancer cells enjoy this as their food. My body just couldn't tolerate chemo so thankfully I was able to tap into a hormone regime including a biological therapy called Palbociclib, which has just been made available on the NHS. So on 2nd January I will be scanned and find out the results on 4th January of what might be next...the best case would be for the scans to be the same as they were in September, which was midway between April and the good news scan we had in June...so we'll see. Needless to say these don't get any easier and I'm currently feeling as if I'm about to board a rollercoaster train for what the week ahead might be. Still enough of that for now...

Of course at the heart of the past few months have been our amazing friends and family who have showered us with love and laughter...numerous games of Uno thanks to the Achilli's, dinners at Derwent Drive, daily text chats with Kim, lunches with so many of you wonderful people, visits from nurse Lars and chef Maggie, cheeky takeaways with the Hamiltons and soirees with the Lawes and Ouarti-Weavers and not forgetting my parents gluing things together so that we can focus on the fun stuff...I truly feel honoured and humbled to have you all in my life and appreciate everything you do for us.

Who knows what tomorrow brings but for now I can honestly say I'm looking forward to it especially a weekend away with DW in February, potentially a long overdue trip to Sweden and planning more fun stuff with friends and family...It goes without saying the rock forever silently by side is the true hero of this year (the rock rocks - Mr Busby I couldn't resist writing this!)...he's gone through hell and back on several occasions and is constantly on alert at the sight of a rash or an achy leg. Without this strong man of the year I wouldn't have and couldn't have got through many of the grenades thrown at us. I still feel life is cruel for DW when he is the world's kindest soul but my role is to just bloody well be here, make him smile as much as possible and cook yummo dinners. So I better shape up! : ) DW I love you more than words can ever convey but just know that I really do appreciate all of the little things you do every day to make life the best it can possible be. You're one of a kind...and I'm so happy that you've been my DW for 19 years...a big celebration to come on 5 December 2018!

So from the bottom of my heart I wish you all a healthy and happy new year. May it be filled with lots of love, laughter and magical moments. Over and out 2017...you've been a toughie. 

Vx