Song of the day (LH): I will never let you down - Rita Ora
Song of the day (VW): Sunshine after the rain - Elkie Brooks
Happy birthday Rachel!
After dropping DW at the station, I found myself going back to bed as I was so tired. The tired.com saga continues! Though it was a short revisit as I had to get up for yoga. Feeling that I had definitely gained some weight, I decided it was time to stand on the scales and see the holiday damage.....oh my! I had gone into stone double digits, something I swore I wouldn't do! Right. No more cola, wine or bad foods during the week, this is unacceptable!!! : ) I can hear the sighs about not focussing on this too much but it's still important to feel good about that way one looks and having podgy stomach is not something I enjoy or want! So time to say goodbye!
It was lovely doing another yoga session so close to Friday, as I could really feel the benefit. I also felt completely relaxed so it was definitely a good unwind.
As a mini celebration for Rachel's birthday I went round for a birthday tea! It was lovely to see her and play with Maddie. It's so great having them nearby, a positive from the Maidenhead move! ; )
In the afternoon, my mum came over and we headed to PMH for an appointment with Dr Davis. This was for reassurance more than anything else from my cough/ laryngitis and numbness. I was a bit nervous as I was worried that she was going to challenge my surgery decision, as she had originally supported Miss P's view of delayed reconstruction. However, she was absolutely lovely and just flagged the risk around the radiotherapy causing hardening of the tissue around the implant and the potential need of replacing the impact (50/50 risk). Fiona had warned me of this risk so I knew about this already. It's a risk I am willing...mmn willing doesn't feel the right word, perhaps knowingly going to take. Dr Davis was happy with my chest and just said the voice would take time. Slowly but surely this is proving true. The numbness if my fingers and toes is slightly different. All being well it will go over time but there is a chance is could be permanent. It's not painful and not impacting on what I'm going but it would be great if the sensation decided to return! It was worthwhile seeing her and Jane afterwards for a quick chat. I feel that they think I'm doing the right thing for me, which is good. Of course having two polar opposite consultant views on the table, I will constantly doubt myself but everyone else around me is supporting the decision made so lets hope it's the right one in a no right/ wrong answer path! Tricky!
I had got some cooking mojo back, so decided to make Jamie's 30 minute Cypriot chicken for dinner. A good surprise for DW on his return from work for a Monday night! It looked amazing and tasted fantastic...no pic available so you'll just have to trust me on this one!!! : )
Photo no.463 - starting to feel myself again...
A good day!
Tuesday 29th July
Song of the day (LH): Working my way back to you - The Spinners
Song of the day (VW): Vertigo - U2
Another revisit to bed after dropping DW off! Once up I spent the morning updating Wonderland...I had a lot to catch up on!!!
The weather was a perfect summer's day, not too hot with a gentle breeze. So for writing breaks, I pottered, yep pottered (!), in the garden.
Photo no.464 - beautifully scented hyssop
Photo no.465 - a lovely pear!
Photo no.466 - a friendly visitor to the garden!
After lunch, Ces and I went to the Serenity Spa at Odney for some pedi/ manicure pampering, which was thoroughly delightful. So that I didn't smudge my finger nails we stayed for some tea and outside, overlooking the gardens. A great way to spend the afternoon.
Wednesday 30th July
Song of the day (LH): Cry me a river - Justin Timberlake
Song of the day (VW): Take me to the river - Al Green
My tune choice today is courtesy of Eoin. I would recommend listening to the album that this song is from, Al Green Explores your mind. It's a winner! Good choice O! xxx
Today was an energising day! It's interesting where people generate their energy from. Are you solar or battery powered? I think I'm a Prius...a bit of both! When looking for a real energy injection though it definitely comes from others. So this afternoon, I got a huge boost from popping into work. The plan was a pre holiday/ surgery coffee with Debbie but of course it turned into something much bigger in that I caught up with lots and lots of friendly faces that I hadn't seen for ages. The funniest bit was everyone's reaction to my voice. To me it was real progress just making a sound but to others I can understand it didn't sound so good! One of the things I noticed around the office was the number of people with loom bands on...I think I might need to start making some. In particular Debbie's navy and white one looked tres chic with her outfit! It was amazing to see everyone and receive so many big hugs and love. I miss you all so much and can't wait to be back in action!
Photo no.467 - bigger smiles appearing!
Thursday 31st July
Song of the day (LH): Love train - O'Jays
Song of the day (VW): If I ruled the world - Jamie Cullum
An indescribable day.
Today was a big day. My first trip to the Royal Marsden. I felt like it was my first day at secondary school. You know, where you know no one, or very few people. All the buildings and faces are unfamiliar compared to your beloved primary school that you knew inside and out. PMH is relatively small and I'm so used to the faces and department locations. In hindsight, I should have asked DW to come with me but until I got there I hadn't appreciated how daunted I was going to feel.
I had left plenty of time to get there but typically there had been a crash on the M4 so this meant a rush to find a parking space. I needn't have worried as I ended up waiting 40 minutes for my pre op assessment. It was unsettling not knowing where to go and it felt like the Marsden was a maze. I arrived at the location and registered. Why is it that some receptionists are so darn scary? Is it part of the interview process? I was told to take and seat and someone would come over. Anticipation had of course built up in my head and by the time I sat down I felt really teary...well in fact there were discreet tears that I brushed away. Deep breath VW it's all going to be fine. Of course it was. After 30 minutes, I approached, Tina the receptionist and asked if she knew when I would be seen. She seemed to soften and went to chase up who I was seeing. Go Tina! A few minutes later Charlie, came and got me to go through a long list of questions. I then went for a blood test, no angel hands Regina here, but Felicia was just as good as I didn't even feel the 'sharp scratch'. A swob up my nose and then under my armpit (lovely!) and it was back for an ECG with Charlie and a few more questions. She was great and fetched the physio over as I had mentioned cording from the sentinel node biopsy back in February. A great 10 minute chat with the physio and my pre op visit was done. The last thing I had to do before I was free was a photo. Being naive I thought this was going to be of my face for a hospital ID badge. Oh no, it was a headless boob photography shoot! I walked into a photography studio and then was told to pose with my arms above my head at different angles....one of the more bizarre things I've had to do! Strike a pose... I guess it'll be good to have a before and after shot!
Due to the delay getting into London and the delay to my appointment I had to cancel my lunch date with Mr Homer. Sorry....looking forward to a catch up soon!
I received a top tip from Charlie about parking at a nearby hospital so that I wouldn't have to worry about meters running out. So I moved the car and had a much needed 30 minutes to myself to have some lunch. It had been a daunting morning but it was done and now I felt a whole heap better.
My after lunch appointment was with Fiona, a familiar face! Plus, I had asked Moira if she would be able to come with me and thankfully she could. We met before the appointment and had a well overdue catch up. Chemo has been frustrating at it's meant avoiding friends with small children as over the spring many of them were tag teaming each other with colds etc. So it was wonderful to finally see her and have a chat!
The appointment with Fiona felt like information overload, so I was so grateful for having a second pair of ears with me. We ran through the consent form (8 pages), going through all the details of the surgery. Fiona's approach is very much we will treat the cancer so that you can lead your life. Towards the end of the appointment, Fiona turned to Moira and asked her what she thought. Moira gave a really insightful view, one that I haven't consciously thought of, in that I'm a young woman and want to feel that way. So this surgery option gives that to me immediately and that the minimal risks are worth taking as they are minimal. The way she expressed it though brought tears to my eyes. Thank you M. It was amazing having you there and to endorse this decision. xxx
Particularly today as Fiona had mentioned that she feels she can try to save my nipple which will really help with the aesthetics. They will send cells from it for testing post op and if, fingers crossed there's not, but if there is any sign of cancer cells then I will go back for a small procedure to remove it. I'm torn on this one but I'm being reassured by medical team and others around me that there is no harm in trying as it will be dealt with one way or the other. I think if I had seen Fiona first of all I wouldn't have these niggling doubts but I didn't. I received the polar opposite view. What I have to retain perspective on is that I am being advised by one of the most respected consultants in the country and she wouldn't be advising anything that would jeopardise my health!
During the meeting a new face came in. It was Gwyn, my breast care nurse. The plan had been to spend some time with her today to look at implant and discuss practical surgery stuff but for whatever reason this had been missed in the booking process. So after the appointment with Fiona, we had a 15 minute intro chat (in a room of doom!) and went through a couple of things. As I was coming up the next day to go to the Haven, we decided that it would be sensible to have a proper catch up in the morning. Good plan batman!
Moira and I went for a quick coffee debrief after we left the Marsden. It was great to talk through the risk bits and for Moira to put it into perspective. Plus it gave us more time to catch up. A big hug later and I walked to the car to drive home.
Photo no.468 - a much overdue catch up!
I was exhausted. It had been an info overload day. Truly, I wanted to fall asleep in the car but I had to get home. Thankfully, even with rush hour traffic it only took an hour to get back, so it could have been a whole heap worse! A small energy burst to make dinner for one (DW was out) and the marinade for the pork chops for tomorrow's BBQ, more on that to come. Cooking is definitely where my heart is. It was then time to flop on the sofa. Tiredness always makes me teary and I was overwhelmed with today. It was all positive stuff but still overwhelming. DW came back and I went through the consent form and the info of the day. Coupled with still not being able to talk properly, I was a tired teary bee. We decided that he should come with me the next morning. The best decision. Time for some much needed sleep.
Friday 1st August
Song of the day (LH): Pray - Take That
Song of the day (VW): This is the life - Amy Macdonald
Another early start, well early for me to get to the Marsden for 9.45. Thankfully DW drove, so I could relax. Sleep had been limited but I was feeling positive again and the sun was shining!
We met Gwyn on the ward where I will I have my surgery. Good to familiarise myself with it. Despite keeping a constant eye on time, we had a really productive session with Gwyn. She showed us the different type of implants, fixed or expandable. The aim is to use a fixed implant but Fiona needs to judge on the day. Gwyn also drew a diagram to show what Fiona was actually going to do, which was really useful. We looked at photos of ladies who had had the same type of surgery and were blown away by how good the results were. Phew. This was a good option. Or lets hope it is! You're always more self critical but these photos were amazing and installed real confidence and positivity within me. It'll be alright VW! More practical stuff like the right bras to wear and nightwear for hospital was also discussed. It's these smaller things that actually can make a big difference in the comfort factors so it's right to go through these. The other thing that Gwyn said that I found extremely reassuring is that she doesn't believe Fiona is a risk taker. Therefore, back to yesterday's point, this is an extremely good consultant who is working on me so believe it. She wouldn't be doing anything that would jeopardise the cancer treatment.
It was wonderful to have DW there, so he could see, feel and hear all of this. Not potentially stuff that he thought he would have to ever see or know about but good that he was there for support as I really needed him there. He's amazing like that. Just dropping stuff and being there.
Time pressed on so at 10.50, we raced out of the building and I hopped into a taxi! It's very rare that I take a black cab so when I do there's always an air of excitement! Today's challenge was to get to the Haven on time for my healing appointment. Cabbie chats are always fun and that's part of the price of the ride.
I bowled into the tranquilly of the Haven and immediately felt calm. Ros commented on how lovely I was looking today and that my hair had grown...interesting as that's not possible!!! Still a wonderful comment to receive and it gave me a boost. The healing session was really relaxing, though I didn't receive so much insight afterwards. Still, hopefully my chakra's felt the benefit so in turn I will.
Time for some of my favourite green juice! I managed to get a takeaway cup plus a bottle for the weekend. Really, I should find out the recipe and start making it myself!
Photo no.469 - egg-cellent!
I'm not an egg fan but the way Whole Foods presents products, anything seems tempting!
I drove home and knew that I had a couple of hours of resting time. Absolutely shattered, I pulled my lounger outside and just laid there. Come on brain switch off so that I can snooze. Just as I was about to doze off, the phone rang. It was Gillian at Axa talking through charging codes. This needs to be done but typical timing!
Today was a sad day as I was going to have my last appointment with Dr Ford. He's been so amazing throughout the last couple of years, so we bought him a farewell gift. He's determined that DW will sell a plane soon so this seemed appropriate!
http://www.promotional-images.co.uk/ProdImages/b7d25495-f585-4630-811f-14d3b4f2182f/6316dg-lg.jpg
At the end of the appointment he went to shake my hand but I gave him a big hug as he's played a major role in helping us through some difficult things. Thanks so much Dr F for everything...even if you did say I was looking a bit chubby! ; ))
Next stop was a nail revisit as for some reason it hadn't taken properly when I had it done on Wednesday. I felt so embarrassed going back but they were more than happy to redo it. It nice to have a chat with Abby as I always say hello to her but never have my treatments with her! I was the last client of the day so as I waited for the polish to dry it was lovely chatting to all of the girls as they were packing up for the evening.
Home time...BBQ time! Tonight's menu for my parents, Luke & Natalie was:
- Aperitif - River Cottage Sparking Elderflower wine
- Dhruv Baker's Best Spare Ribs Ever - made with pork chops for more meat
- Grilled zucchini with lemon and scallions
- Jamie's Southern-style slaw
- Jean's (my Mum) original coleslaw
Saturday 2nd August
Song of the day (LH): The most beautiful girl in the world - Prince
Song of the day (VW): All night long - Lionel Ritchie
A wine headache and exhaustion are not a good combo. I felt that I hadn't drunk much the night before but obviously my body though differently to the alcohol toxins that had gone into it. So it was a day of doing very, very little.
The target of the day was to meet Kim for dinner. This was achieved although in the car on the way to Chiswick I would have happily have turned around and headed for bed. Of course it was a really fun evening once I had some food! We went to La Mancha in Chiswick, which was ok for tapas. No Brindisa! Still it's the company that counts and it was lovely to have a proper catch up with Kim. DW was driving despite the fact that I was teetotal for the night but as the evening progressed, I decided I was alert enough to drive home so he good enjoy an extra couple glasses of wine. A lovely evening.
Sunday 3rd August
Song of the day (LH): I can't help myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch) - Four Tops
Song of the day (VW): Love the one you're with - The Isley Brothers
Amazing sleep...10 hours...score!!! I felt a million times better than the previous day. Good times! We had a relaxing long breakfast and then later in the afternoon headed to Henley for a quick lunch. Over breakfast I read an article about a 19 year old girl going through BRCA testing, as her mother is BRCA positive. It must be such a difficult position to be in. Her sister tested negative whereas when she finally got her results she was positive. So at 19 was having to make some decisions around whether to keep her breasts and ovaries. I'm going to have this test done in the upcoming weeks. On paper it's likely I should be negative but until the result comes back my right boob and ovaries are in limbo land.
After lunch, we drove to Hamblden and crossed the weir to go for a walk through the deer park. The deer on the estate are albino so it's quite bizarre the first time you see them. It's so beautiful there, to be in the middle of a country estate with the river flowing past. Stunning. We haven't done this walk, well in fact any Sunday walk, in what has felt like a long time, so it was so good to be there on such a wonderful day.
Photo no.470 - the one I love in the place I love...
Photo no.471 - a perfect summer's afternoon
Sunday dinner time! Not a bad one at all!
Photo no.472 - BBQ Monkfish lemon and rosemary skewers with pan fried pancetta. Sides of grilled courgettes, asparagus, boiled Jersey Royal potatoes and a lemon mayonnaise.
A week of slow but sure progress! Next week will be a strict week of rest periods. I feel slightly cheated out of my pre surgery post chemo weeks, in the fact that I had hoped that I would have been feeling good enough to have had a lot of fun! These things don't always pan out this way so I'm grateful for what I have been able to do. Fingers crossed for a better week with more voice and feeling in my fingers and toes! Big love to you all. Week 21 over and out.xxx
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