The radiotherapy sessions....week 1

Monday 29th September 

Song of the day (LH): Car wash - Rose Royce
Song of the day (VW): Lady, hear me tonight - Modjo

Another night of broken, broken sleep. I understand for all those of you with children this is potentially a standard night, so I apologise for the sleep moan but still I'd feel a whole heap better with a large dose of zzzz!

I feel that this week marks the end of limbo land as the next treatment kicks off on Thursday....not long!

This afternoon I met a lovely lady who is planning on having the same surgery as me. Her story was really heartwarming. She found her lump, 3 months after giving birth to her second child. She's gone through 8 cycles of chemo, herceptin doses and now is about to have a mastectomy with immediate implant based reconstruction. Despite her finishing chemo a month or so after me it seemed from the photos that she showed me that her hair growth was speedy....come on hair!!! After chatting through how I'd found surgery and relieving, I hope some of her worries, we popped over to the Haven so that I could show her my new breast in the loos there. Her smile said it all.....it reassured her and also reassured me that it's still looking pretty good! It's simple chats and such toilet trips that can really make a difference to how people are feeling. Simply put it's time. The thing that can be so easy to give but equally cost so much in certain circumstances. I hope to be able to do this more, as it was so rewarding to see this worried lady walk away feeling more confident about what the next couple of weeks may have in store for her.

My Haven appointment today was another session with Gosia. Today it was more of a coaching session thinking about the future. I'm not going to relay the ins and outs of it as I'm still mulling it over in my mind but here's something to make you think about what you'd like to be doing with your life....

1. You've got six months to live. What would you do with this time?
2. The day before you're due to die, you're told there's been a terrible mix up. As compensation you're given £50 million. If you spend it, there's more cash available. What would you do?
3. Material goods aside, see if you can translate this into a feasible action plan for your real life now. 
4. Then write a statement dated for a year's time, writing as if that's you say in October 2015. Sign it. Read it and believe it....

Can you do it? Yes, you can, you just have to believe it! So just to give you a taster, this is what my mind is pondering about at the moment. Exciting! Though I'd love to full energy back to enable me to really start to focus on this. Another great session! Thanks Gosia!

Time to drop the beloved Fiat 500 back to Heathrow...sniff, sniff! 90 minutes later, I finally got there. Right, now time to find the bus to get home. I had to try to get from terminal 5 to the central Heathrow bus station. Now I like to think that I'm fairly on the ball, but to get to the central bus station is an interesting task at Heathrow. I followed the signs to the buses. Well, they were going to all sorts of locations but not the central hub. Hmm. I spoke to a few bus drivers and in the end just boarded one going to Slough...going through various housing estates near to Heathrow I was debating whether this had been the right call. However 20 minutes later I arrived at Slough bus station where technically I should be able to pick up the original bus I had planned to get. Ok, it goes from the next gate. Perfect....in 50 minutes time...less good....thankfully on checking another board the next one should be arriving in 5 mins. Good, good...time for a random guy to come and chat with me...not so good! I'm sure he was harmless but unfortunately there is an element of stranger danger! ; ) Yes, I'm being OTT, as I was absolutely exhausted and all I wanted to do was curl up on our sofa. So I was very grateful when I saw the bus pull in and subsequently walk through our front door about 20 minutes later....jazz24 playing with DW cooking...I was home at last! Nice.

Tuesday 30th September 

Song of the day (LH): Blame it on me - George Ezra
Song of the day (VW): Bang, bang - Jessie J

Broken, broken sleep when will you go, go, go away?! I know my lovely body you're not a fan of the new tablet but we need to make friends, as we need this chemical to keep the pesky bad ones at bay...so lets play nicely together, shall we?!!!

I've been resisting so hard having this Jessie J as my song of the day...it's just not use I love it so it had to be done!

I did yoga first thing and despite really not wanting to do this, I felt super energised afterwards so was so glad that I did. In fact, the energy levels remained high for quite a lot of the day....days like this are good. My mind was feeling a lot clearer so perhaps it has been in a bit of a fog from the various things going on over the last few months. May there be more days like today please!

The Able & Cole challenge...week 2!

Photo no.627 - today's lunch...pan fried mushrooms & leeks on Irish stoneground wheaten...

Photo no.628 - Jamie's 15 minute Delicious chicken salad with added radish crunch!

The green beans were an exchange for Jamie's recommendation of broccoli and I decided to use quinoa as my carb. Overall, it was indeed a delicious chicken salad!

Aside from sleep, hair seems to be the other thing that I've grumbled about. It feels like slow progress but perhaps I've always had slow growing hair and just not really noticed. Shade wise it's darker, another grumble as I liked my original colour...still be grateful for what you have VW...some sprinkling of hair but if the hair god is looking down, then a shade or two lighter would be great! 

I'm feeling a bit nervous about Thursday......not long to go VW! Hang on in there!

Wednesday 1st October

Song of the day (LH): Endless love - Diana Ross
Song of the day (VW): The ex factor - Lauryn Hill

A few night sweats coupled with my mind being alert meant a less than acceptable night's sleep...tell me subconscious what's keeping you awake? 

Today was mainly spent on trains as I travelled down to Salisbury to see the refurbished home department. It's due to open on Monday 6th and it looked like it was all on track. Well worth a visit if you're in the area! 

I felt absolutely exhausted on the 6 train journey legs I had to do, to get there. Low energy and the feeling of exhaustion and what do you get a fairly low mentally feeling VW. I guess that's why they call it the blues...perhaps a mix of what the hell has happened  this year with a dashing of pre radiotherapy anxiety? I still have the feeling of calm that came around the time of having surgery. Just get radio session 1 done and that'll be one less thing to worry about. Positive thinking, will give a positive result! So you know what...I wrote a future statement about radiotherapy...here it is...

My skin has remained calm and safe throughout radiotherapy. I've not suffered any tiredness and I'm enjoying about to be going on a trip with DW. Treatment is finished and I'm well. Thank you everybody, thank you. 

Victoria Welinder - 23rd October 2014 

For whatever reason, I seem to rustle energy to cook. This was a corker even if I do say so myself! : )

Photo no.629 - stuffed tomato on a courgette & tomato risotto

Here comes today's hair chat....I miss my hair at night time now that it's got cooler in the evenings. I miss scooping it from my neck and tucking it behind my ear. Simple things.

Thursday 2nd October

Song of the day (LH): Come away with me - Norah Jones
Song of the day (VW): City of blinding lights - U2

In my morning meditation, I focus on events that are going to happen that day and try to visualise them going really well. Yesterday, I focussed in on getting some good sleep....so only one hot flush attack was good going!

Time to get ready to go to radiotherapy. I don't want to go. I don't have to. I want to be well. So I do have to go. Not having too much time to get ready meant that there wasn't too much time to overthink things. Good plan!!!

My neighbour, Rachel had kindly offered to take me to my first session. Her parents in law had very kindly offered to look after Maddie for the morning. Thank you! We walked into the clinic and wow what a great first impression. There was a large atrium with a cafe in it, which made it feel less clinical. Good, good so far. I walked past a couple that I recognised from a nail session at Odney...we stopped and had a quick chat with them. They were there for the minor injuries unit as one of them had hurt their hand. Nice to see familiar faces.

I checked into the radiotherapy reception and was told that they were expected me! Excellent! Before we barely turned around, the double doors opened and I was called through for a pre treatment chat. This mainly was to run through the side effects, creams to use and more importantly not use on my skin. It won't surprise you but I had taken the things I had been planning to use with me so that they could be approved! I know, I know it's a bit OCD but when it's your body, then I do believe in doing the best by it...of course mine is such a temple!!! ; )) A slightly chubby temple at the moment. The radiographer was great and went along with all of my questions, yep there was a list! Though when it came to him talking I had to really focus to try and decipher his speedy scouse accent! Sorry my northern friends but it can be tricky! 

Time to gown up and then into the radiotherapy room I went. It felt very surreal and the truth be told, I wanted to run away. For my other treatments, I've had DW, close friends and family with me either during treatment or right up to the moment of it happening. Radiotherapy feels different. It took quite a while to get me into the precise locations required. This is done to the millimetre. 'Within tolerance' was said quite a few times.
If I wanted to sneeze, I was told to not be polite and cover my face. I had to remain in position and even though during the sneeze I would move if I left my hands above my head, I'd go back to the right position post sneeze. Ok! At times during this and then moments when I was alone in the room I wanted to cry. Crying wasn't an option, as I was worried about moving out of position. I knew I could get through it but I feel like I'm going through some sort of grief, for what I'm not sure. The radiotherapy room sure brings out the emotions! 

During set up, the lights are dimmed and there is a green laser beam cast across my body, to get everything lined up. My hands got really cold being positioned above my head and my neck was in a less than comfortable position but there are worse things to happen..right! Once in position, the radiographers hit a button on the wall and walk out and leave me alone. The first couple of times were used to take photos to ensure I was in the correct position. Then for the next 2 'rounds' a sticker was stuck onto 2 of the tattoo points to measure the amount of treatment being given. In fact it was only when I asked what the stickers were for that I was told I had had 2/3 of the treatment. I realised at that point it's being targeted in 3 different locations...one to the right, one to the left and then one from above. There's a lightbox on the wall, a bit like the one you see at the opticians. Beam off. Radiation on...here goes. I'm alone. I can hear the aperture of the linac changing and then there's a loud buzzing sound...I'll try to think of a better sound description at some stage. The radio is on so there's music but nothing upbeat...see the magic healing fairy dust VW! This is killing any pesky cancer cells that might have survived  2 efforts to get rid of them. It could have been my mind playing tricks but I felt some form of electrical current running through me. Probably just my imagination. In one of the positions I had to ensure my chin was in the air at least 11cm....ok! Staring straight up at the machine made me feel slightly queasy...a bit sea sick. I tried closing my eyes but they didn't want to remain shut...still 30 seconds later it was over. 

Bright lights back on. You're done! Good to go. It felt like as soon as it had begun, it ended.

Time for a well deserved lunch with Rachel in Windsor! Fish finger sandwich...oh yeah! Big thank you to Rachel for chauffeuring me and coming for lunch!xxx

The plan for the rest of the afternoon was to relax at home. Nice. When I got back I took some photos of the additional marks that had been made during the radio session so I knew the total area to apply the magic cream to. A different magic (Emla) cream this time, called XClair, that has been specifically used for moisturising the skin post radiotherapy. Fingers crossed! 

Out of this set of useful selfies I found one that I wanted to share with you. I feel torn about sharing it but as you've seen me laugh, cry and everything in between it seems only right for you to see this. October is breast cancer awareness month. So here's a photo of a tenacious young woman that is coming out the other side of the treatment regime.

Photo no.630 - hope....

Before dinner, I had  a quick visit from someone who has been amazingly supportive. It was lovely to see her as it's been a while. A good point was made on the hair grumble...after chemo round 6, I lost the hair that had grown during rounds 4 and 5...so actually I've had about 2 months of hair growing time rather than the 3 that I thought I had...so perhaps I'm not doing so badly afterall! 

Photo no.631 - Jamie's 15 minute veggie chilli served on a roasted butternut squash!

At each treatment milestone, DW has given brilliant gifts to make me smile...first there was Little Miss Sunshine, then Mr Potato Head....so this evening may I introduce to you... 

Photo no.632 - Mrs Potato Head!

Photo no.633 - potato love!

I love you DW! You're the best!xxx

Friday 3rd October

Song of the day (LH): Fall at your feet - Crowded House
Song of the day (VW): Radioactive - Imagine Dragons

'I'm radioactive, radioactive'! Well, not quite...but feels appropriate. Actually the lyrics to that song feel quite liberating so I might make it my new anthem.

So time for session #2! Today's chaperone was my lovely mummy. We went via pmh as I was due to have a physio session. It turned out to be a brief one. I thought it was going to be with the Diana but yet again it was with someone else...I need to check this when I book appointments next time! We went to say a quick hello to Regina. She looked so very tired and could definitely use some time off.....but all she says is she's ok. It was lovely to see her and have a big hug!

Time to hit the road to Bracknell! In the atrium, I stumbled across these.....

Photo no.634  - we've had one for ages that is orange...it was our first 'pet' in Fulham called Barney...so here are his Bracknell buddies!

I left my mum with a coffee and went through to get changed. I still can't work out how to make one hospital gown into a dressing gown...I seem to need to two...perhaps one day I'll learn but not today!

So back on the bed for session #2. I've not seen the movie Gravity but for whatever reason, whenever I'm laid there in the dark on my own or when the machine is moving over my head and I can I see my face reflecting in it, I feel like the short clips I've seen from it. Strange, perhaps I should see the whole movie and have a more qualified view. Today was quicker, so my hands didn't freeze too much. Thankfully, we also could adjust the headrest so that I didn't feel like I was supporting my neck the whole time. When the linac was aimed at my left side, there was a beautiful silhouette of my new boob on the screen to my right. I so want a photograph of it...there is something so serene about it with the green beam shining through it....I might pluck up the courage to ask one of the radiographers...perhaps on a Friday! : ) My body didn't feel so electric today. I know it's probably all in my imagination, though the lead bar above my head is certainly not in my imagination...I really do not want that falling on me!!! 

This afternoon I felt exhausted beyond belief. So it was definitely time for a long nap....

Photo no.635 - blue sky, nap time!

We decided that tonight should be a takeaway night...thank goodness we did as I was one super tired bunny...my duracell batteries needed a recharge! I feel like Indian tonight!

Photo no.636 - the mighty onion bhaji!

Saturday 4th October 

Song of the day (LH): You'll never find another love like mine - Lou Rawls
Song of the day (VW): Radioactive - Marina and the Diamonds

Good sleep. Check. Clear mind. Check. Ok we're good to go! Today was a great day. In fact the best I've felt in a very long time truth be told. 

First stop...Sola Kitchens in Fulham. As a bit of a project, we've decided to look at changing our kitchen....DW found this company in the Swedish church magazine and so far it's been a great experience. If you're looking to update your kitchen, I'd really recommend going here. The only thing I don't know yet is the price......so we'll see!

http://www.solakitchens.com

Next stop was lunch with the ever delightful Verity Parker. We've met, 12 years ago (argh!!) when Verity was a Christmas temp at John Lewis Oxford Street and I was a buying assistant helping out for the day. A few months later Verity started in a buying team and from then on we had many, many lunches together! We need to meet up more VP! If anything so I can get much needed fashion advice from you!xxx

Time for a rest at home before the much awaited pizza night with the Regans. Despite early blog posts, my pizza consumption has significantly dwindled....so we all decided it was about time to bake some pizzas and rectify this! As always the pizzas were fantastic and there was lots of love and laughter.

Overall...a very good day!xxx

Sunday 5th October

Song of the day (LH): Boy you knock me out - Tatyana Ali
Song of the day (VW): You are the best thing - Ray LaMontagne

Happy birthday Ces!!!

Clear mind. Check. Less tired. Check. Ok, this seems to be a good sign.

After a lazy morning, we met my brother and Natalie at The Pineapple in Dorney for lunch. If you love a doorstep sandwich, this is the place to come. They specialise in sandwiches and the menu is extensive.....it's excellent value and a great find for lunch! Thanks for suggesting it Natalie, lets do it again soon.xxx

http://www.pineappledorney.co.uk/pub/

No Sunday would be complete without a walk....the weather was spectacular today. A perfect autumnal Sunday, so here are some pics from our walks...we ended up in 2 locations!

Photo no.637 - autumn in England...Jubilee river walk

Photo no.638 - riverside renovations...a old building by the Thames being rejuvenated.

Photo no.639 - autumnal colours

Photo no.640 - Canada geese out for their Sunday swim!

Photo no.641 - the wrapped up walkers!

Photo no.642 - criss-cross jet lines

Photo no.643 - river reflection on the Thames

Chutney time! I had harvested my crop of pears, all 2 of them, so wanted to transform them into a delicious chutney! Able & Cole had sent a recipe for Apple & Pear chutney with cider, so I thought I'd give it a go!

 Photo no.644 - a nice pear!

Photo no.645 - definitely good to use!

Photo no.646 - glass jar sterilisation...check!

Photo no.647 - the result...6 small jars of chutney!

Not a bad result! On the recipe it didn't mention leaving the chutney to mature but I think I'll give it a little time for a the flavours to infuse. I'll let you know the verdict soon!

Chutney making had crossed over into Sunday night dinner prep time. Still tonight's dinner was a Ching classic, so it would be speedy....or not! Earlier that day Waitrose had had some good looking halibut on offer so I decided to go for that over cod that the recipe recommended. To avoid the kitchen smelling of fish for the next week, I seared the fish on the hob and the put the pan into the oven for 10 minutes to finish it. This is nearly always my fail proof way of cooking fish well. However, the key thing to remember is that the pan handle will be hot...I remembered this on taking the pan out of the oven, serving the fish, telling DW not to touch the pan handle and then having served the stir fry I went to move the pan...f@%k!!! That is hot! Yep, I essentially went to lift the pan handle. Thankfully it was so hot that I must have only touched it for seconds so there were only a couple of touch points but my god that hurt.....cold water tap......then cold water press while eating...then bowl of cold water whilst watching tv. So not really the most relaxing Sunday night dinner it has to be said...note to self, chutney making is not a Sunday evening activity. Luckily I got away with a small blister on my little finger. DW had advised me to butter on it...this did not seem a good idea a surely it would be frying my skin....after consulting NHS online, this definitely was not advised but I did take their advice of wrapping my finger in cling film and this seemed to do the trick, as the next morning it was feeling a million times better! Anthony Bourdain would have been proud as no real chef is complete without blisters and callouses from such activities!

Photo no.648 - Chilli bean halibut with exotic mushrooms & spring cabbage stir fry

Burn aside, this has been a pretty good week. So here's to the radiotherapy sessions week 2 and nearly being at the end of this treatment treadmill! xxx