Week 19 - boob job or tummy tuck?!

Monday 14th July

Song of the day (LH): Brand new day - Sting

Song of the day (VW): Come with me - Tania Maria

Ok. Enough's enough. I'm going to see Regina, as this cough just isn't shifting! My mum took me over. This was my first trip away from the house since the previous week. When I say trip, I mean trip. It's strange how your circle of reference closes down and places seem a lot further away based on the effort having to be made. Of course normally a trip to Windsor is nothing but today it seemed a whole heap of effort.

We got there and I gave a sputum sample and also had some blood taken. By this stage there was no longer any bright green stuff bring brought up, so the pot contained clear sticky stuff. I'm sure you needed to know this level of detail!  I was pretty proud of myself as I allowed Regina to take it from my hand with no emla. Had it been anyone else they would not have not been allowed to go anywhere near my hand but as she's got the technique of an archangel she was given clearance!!! Jill made me giggle when she found out I had lost my voice, her response was 'Well we better and go and find it'. Regina's mantra is all about positivity and I absolutely concur with her view. It's just when your energy levels are rock bottom it's pretty hard to be chipper. Though one thing I did take away with me was that each cough was a cough closer to getting better. A mantra that I kept repeating every time I coughed. Believe it or not this actually really helped.

It turned out to be a quick visit as the test results were going to, frustratingly, take a couple of days to come back. I got a small amount of grief as to why didn't I go in at the end of the previous week but it was fine. My mum and Regina had a quick chat as well as I sat there in relative silence. 

I felt like I had more energy today but still felt exhausted. Just going to the hospital had sparked some energy to go there and also some tiredness from the effort. Come on VW! The lack of voice was so frustrating and even whispering took endless effort as often I had to repeat things, which caused more frustration. More tears today...this time on my mum. It was the first time that I've broken down in front of her. I didn't want to but I just needed to release the tension that had been building up inside of me. Strange, as you might think crying takes more energy than I had but in a strange way it's cleansing to get those feelings out of the body. So big fat tears came bubbling out. Afterwards I felt a bit better but I felt guilty that my mum had had to witness it. She has got the patience of a saint when it comes to my 'moments' of frustration, anger (thankfully few) and tears. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent on my place of solitude. The sofa. I have a love hate relationship with this place. Hate as I don't want to be spending my time on my rear. Love in that it's pretty darn comfortable when my body isn't full of aches.

Another day done. Progress made. Lets keep going in that direction as it's holiday time on Saturday!

Tuesday 15th July

Song of the day (LH): Midnight Blues - Liz Green
Song of the day (VW): Tangled up - Caro Emerald

06.30...alarm clock! Eurgh!!! Early doors for me, even pre this stuff going on! Today was second opinion day and we had to be at the clinic for a 09.30 appointment. I had um'd and ah'd over having a second opinion. On the one hand I wanted her to confirm Miss Predolac's view. On the other hand I wanted to know what was feasible. Thankfully the traffic was fine and we got there on time. It's always an unknown.

We both got a good feeling from Fiona MacNeill from the instant we met her. It was tricky having the appointment without a voice, as it was difficult to fully convey everything but DW stepped in when necessary. Her view was that immediate reconstruction was absolutely the right thing to do and that it was unnecessary to wait for 2 years for the what may be. It felt like the 2 year potential death sentence had been lifted and we could breathe again. I had gone into this appointment knowing this could very well be an option and had previously thought I would stick with Miss P's view. My overarching drive is to kick the cancer so if that means waiting 2 years for a reconstruction then so be it. However, Fiona didn't see this as an issue. Her view was that it's better to wake up with something and get on with life rather than worrying and having something hanging over you for 2 years. I couldn't agree more. She gave two potential options for reconstruction. One using my stomach (tummy tuck), the other using a silicon implant (boob job). There were both pros and cons to both. Given the size of my stomach, thankfully relatively small (just like my boobs), she was not 100% sure if I had enough fat to recreate my boob size. Also because I will have the genetic testing done at some point for the BRCA (or as DW calls it the B A Baracus), I do not have enough stomach for 2 breasts even of my small size. She also kept referring to my perfectly nice abdomen...perhaps an indirect way of saying not to mess around with it. Plus I am carrying a little 'holiday weight' so the amount of tummy might not be enough! The conclusion was for me to go away and have a think and see the plastic surgeon that Fiona works with to look at options.

We came out of the meeting feeling a whole heap happier. It felt like we had been given 2 years of our lives back. The only snag. Whether the insurance company would contribute to this or not. 

Despite still feeling pretty exhausted it felt great to be in London again. The buzz is infectious and it gave me a real boost after having spent so many days on my own. A well deserved pret breakfast was required. 

DW dropped me at Paddington and I took the train back. It only seemed fair and plus I didn't think I had the energy to drive home. I'm so bored of writing lack of energy but it's true. I decided that a walk would probably do me some food to get the energy flowing, so I got off a stop earlier and walked back from Taplow. It's a much nicer walk than having to go through the town centre. Most of the way back was fairly shady so it was nice and cool. I stumbled across this on the way back...

Photo no.387 - a milestone.

It certainly did feel like a milestone had been reached regarding surgery decisions. A big thank you goes to B for giving me Fiona's contact details and gently nudging me to get the second opinion. This has made such a difference to us. Huge thank you!x

The rest of the afternoon was spent pootling around the house. I sent the Janes a fairly lengthy email detailing the Fiona conversation, as  I couldn't make a phone call. They called Daniel and chatted it through with him. They completely understood my reasoning and felt that I had to do what was right for me. At this point I hadn't 100% decided to go with Fiona but the Janes seem to conclude that this was a done deal. The only bit that I'm sad about is that they won't be there to hold my hand through surgery. Still I'm sure the new breast care nurses will be lovely. Fingers crossed. I had got some cooking mojo back, so decided on a stir fry...it turned out to be fairly dull but it was good to be back in the kitchen!

Photo no.388 - beef & pepper stir fry.

Looking back on this photo, I can see how tired I was looking. Coughing really does take it out of you, that and a few chemo doses! 

Overall a really good day though. For the first time in a couple of weeks, DW came home looking much happier. He had also really felt the benefit of the Fiona appointment and conceded that it was good that I had pushed for a second opinion. The only thoughts I had were that Miss P had said with immediate reconstruction a slightly larger amount of tissue has to be left, thus increasing the chances of a few cancer cells being left behind. So was this a riskier route cancer wise? The other thought was that I felt like I was betraying Miss P. There again she's not the one living for 2 years wondering when the reconstruction can/ will happen. It feels right having the immediate reconstruction as it puts a more positive slant on recovery and means that treatment will be concluded, albeit no doubt with a few tweaks this year. This feels really important to close the the main part of the story, knowing there's just the epilogue to go.

A good day.

Bedtime arrived and my coughing was incessant. Cough, cough, coughety, cough! It was so bad the DW started googling remedies, so I was gargling salt water and then drinking hot water with lemon. All the tricks of the trade but still cough, cough, coughety, cough! After a while it was time for DW to decamp to another bedroom for him to get some sleep. I think after a while my body decided it had had enough and eventually I flaked out.


Wednesday 16th July

Song of the day (LH): Good feeling - Flo rica
Song of the day (VW): Paradise - Coldplay

Today's agenda was MRI and CT scans. I was concerned that I wouldn't get through the MRI without coughing. You have to keep really still for about 20 minutes so this was going to be a challenge. I had been texting one of my most reliable sources (CH) the previous day on things that could be taken. It was decided that some codeine was a good route to take.  I got up with DW as I needed to eat some breakfast before fasting for 4 hours prior to the CT scan. Then snoozed for a bit. 

My dad was on hospital chauffeur duty today. I know it was going to be a bit more challenging whispering with him as he's got tinnitus but with the aid of a mobile and pressing my larynx to make some sound we got there. First thing on the agenda was seeing Regina to get my port set up for the MRI, as they inject dye into you at some point. I was hoping to discuss my results from Monday's tests with her but they still hadn't come through yet. So I had left far too much time but it was fine, just reading and relaxing. I couldn't believe it though when Regina offered to make my dad a coffee. In all of my sessions this hasn't been offered to anyone, so he must have been really liked!!! 

We went down and waited in the imaging area. I then went on the hunt for some type of mint/ throat sweet that might also help to soothe the coughing and stop it for 20 minutes. About 30 minutes before the scans were due to start I saw Kirsty and mentioned to her the coughing situation. She felt that even though I was face down a throat sweet should be fine. She also brought me hot water to drink as the pre test drink rather than cold, which was really sweet. At this point I also took the codeine. A fairly light dose but considering I hadn't eaten for 4 hours it really made me feel spaced out. Excellent, this should work. 

CT scan first. This was fairly easy as you only have to hold your breath for a few seconds as you go in and out of the machine. Though the contrast injection on this one is weird as it's like a hot liquid travelling around your body and it does feel a bit like you may have wet yourself....thankfully I hadn't!!!

After this I was asked to wait for the MRI. I felt so relaxed and sleepy, which was great as the coughing had dramatically subsided. Hurrah! Waiting though felt like an eternity. Partly I was really chilled out but the other part of me didn't want the codeine to wear off so that the coughing returned. Luckily I was called through and laid face down with my boobs in the cup holders. Here goes. 

The last few times I've had an MRI I've had spa music playing. Today was Coldplay's turn, which actually meant I had a sense of time left. When Paradise came on, I knew this had to be the song of the day. I remember someone else telling me about their MRI experience and a song coming on which became their recovery song. Perhaps Paradise will be mine. Though I wouldn't exactly call this paradise! Despite a couple of tickles at the back of my throat, I got through the scan! Yay! MRI done.

Thanks to the genius who suggested the codeine, I'm not sure it would have been achieved without it!

Post scan I was asked to head back up to oncology for Regina to sort the port out. The syringe had been left in and when Regina saw it she asked who had left it in...uh oh I wouldn't want to be in trouble with Regina. I didn't want to get Hannah in trouble so when Regina asked if it was a woman or a man I just said woman....then poor Hannah came up with the CD of the scans, which I had requested and Regina knew it was her. So sorry Hannah!!! I didn't want to get you in trouble!
We stayed and had a chat with Regina about surgery options. Then it was time to head off. I was still feeling spaced out and really, really needed to eat something. My dad had kindly offered to take me to lunch at The Crown in Bray but given the way I was feeling it would have been a waste of money. So we settled on Stubbing, even though part of me just wanted to head home and sleep. Still I needed to eat something, so it was nice to be taken out. The good thing about Stubbings is that it's fairly speedy, so when you need to eat asap it delivers! A delightful quiche and salad later and my dad dropped me home. I was feeling dreadful by this stage. A hangover type feeling but clearly I hadn't enjoyed the party. I even managed a nap, which goes to show how I was feeling as even over the 5 days of sofa gate napping was a rare thing.

Post nap, I was feeling so much better. When DW came home that evening, he once again seemed so much happier. It was as if a cloud had been lifted for us. Coughing/ lack of voice aside I was beginning to feel a whole heap better. Let this continue!!!


Thursday 17th July

Song of the day (LH): The way you make me feel - Michael Jackson
Song of the day (VW): Tainted love - Karen Souza

Ouch! What a headache to wake up to. This needs to go pdq as I needed to drive up to London for my appointment with Stuart James, the plastic surgeon. I still can't believe I've had a meeting with a plastics guy. So surreal. Thankfully by the time of departure I was feeling better but still a bit spaced out. Careful driving was required.

I picked DW up from his office and we headed up to the clinic. Again it was slightly frustrating only be able to whisper my way through the meeting but it was a positive one. It seemed there were a few options on the table. Currently I do have enough stomach to go down the tummy tuck route. The pro of this is a more natural feeling and looking breast but I will be left with a smiley shaped scar across the whole of my abdomen, three times the length of a Caesarian scar. The implant (boob job) option means all surgery is contained to the breast so a shorter operation but it means a less natural look and feel plus it will need to be maintained for the rest of my life. With radiotherapy on the table this also has a part to play. Generally it fairs better with natural tissue, hence tummy tuck option. With the implant route, there's a 50% chance I will need to have the implant replaced within the first year as the tissue around it may harden too much. Equally there's a 50% chance it will be fine. Fingers crossed for the latter! Both Stuart and Fiona mentioned a new trial running doing radiotherapy before the stomach route. This wasn't an option with the implant as radiotherapy eradicates the natural tissue in this area meaning that it doesn't have anything to nestle/ cling onto. So something else to consider. After having a general chat, he asked me to hop on the bed as he wanted to take a look. This has to go down as my weirdest examination. Generally the curtains are pulled and the medic comes behind the curtain to feel my breast. This wasn't the case here. I took my top and bra off and handed it to DW and then with the curtain open Stuart came and had a look. This was then followed by him pulling up a chair, hands coupled together with him staring at my breasts. I know this is absolutely normal, as these guys are artists as well as surgeons but it was so bizarre being sat half naked on the bed with someone just starring at my boobs! It was also weird for DW, sitting in the chair being Stuart, listening to him describe his wife's breasts. Thankfully I was complimented on my shape...words such a gentle contour being used. Very strange. It was only a week later that DW and I recalled this meeting and the surreality of it as we didn't get a chance later that day to talk about it. We then looked at recent stomach option operations that he had done and I must say the outcomes were pretty amazing but the scar was pretty prominent too. Ideally I would like neither option and for none of this to be happening but my immediate gut response was leaning towards the implant option. This means that I may want to put an implant in my other breast at some stage to 'even' out. We'll see. What was made absolutely crystal clear was that immediate reconstruction was definitely a good option and that regarding the cancer there was no difference between immediate or delayed. I've also had this confirmed by a few other sources, Janes, Breast Cancer Care nurses and Fiona in my follow up appointment.

Even though this appointment had been slightly bizarre, it was another extremely positive meeting and I could just tell that DW was feeling much happier with these options on the table. So was I.

Next stop for me was a much overdue wig wash at Chez Stephan. Putney Bridge is closed at the moment so a detour was required. It was eerily quiet on Putney High Street as usually it packed with traffic. As much as I love Stephan's place, I really wished there was some air con!!! Still always nice to see the team there and today I got to meet Stephan's very cute toddler daughter. 

Photo no.389 - post wig wash pic!

I had an evening to myself, which I was relishing. As a guilty pleasure, I decided to go and try the Lidl that has recently opened. Often they have good German foods that can't be sourced elsewhere, also I needed to pick up some stuff for dinner! It was all going well until I saw the size of the queue. I would have been in it for 30 mins and then I needed to go somewhere else as they didn't have everything I needed. So a rare thing for me to do but I left my basket by one of the unopened checkouts and left. Overall an unsuccessful visit! A shame really as I wanted some of the stuff in the basket!

Photo no.390 - dinner for 1....tricolore salad. Yum!

This was a perfect summer's evening dinner, accompanied by some crusty bread. Nice. I spent most of the evening outside as it was so lovely. I then had a surprise visitor, which was great and had a whisper catch up with Rachel. She had brought round an article about The Pig and things to do nearby, which is where were heading that Saturday. Such a lovely thought!xx

So overall I was starting to turn a corner in what felt like a tanker truck but it was turning. I felt pretty good aside from the blasted cough and lack of voice. I still had some numbness in my fingers and toes but this was expected and wasn't hampering anything. A good sleep would be the best medicine! 


Friday 18th July

Song of the day (LH): Get lucky - Daft Punk

Wowzers! Overnight there had been a huge thunder and lightning storm. I've never seen fork lightning like it before and for such a continued amount of time. I had just about dropped off to sleep when it started about 2am. DW by the this stage of the coughing saga had been sleeping in another room for a few days, so I went upstairs to see if he was awake. He was, so we ended up watching the storm for quite a while. I had gone back to my room but pretty much no sleep was had but a lot of chest exercise was!

We were both shattered that morning from limited sleep. I decided to go over to PMH to see if there was anything that they could do to help me with this blasted cough, as I wanted to feel better for going away the next day. On my way up to the chemo ward, I bumped into Jane. It was a great opportunity to have a quick chat with her about my surgery decision and know that I wasn't in trouble from their perspective. Daniel had been doing all of the conversations so I was pleased to have a whispering chat with her about my surgery decision. She seemed really concerned over my cough/ voice and said to ask Regina to get in touch with Dr Davis. I went up to see Regina and she said my sputum result had come back clear. No infection. Good. But I'm still feeling lousy......Jane then popped up and said that she had spoken to Miss P and she thought it would be good to have a chest x-ray. So down to imagine I went! 

Kirsty took care of me. It's always lovely to see her and it was even lovelier when she mentioned that her and Hannah had been reading my blog. Hope you had fun on your university reunion! And for the red lambrusco it can be bought here...http://www.italiancont.co.uk

Back upstairs I went and waited. There were two ladies having chemo that morning and I couldn't help but to overhear their conversation. It was around cures. Namely that diseases such as polio and HIV have got cures but cancer still hasn't. An interesting perspective that was thrown in was whether drug companies make too much money out of the drugs so they are less concerned with cure. It's a difficult ethical position. One of which you hope that a cure is being worked on but it is easy to believe the other. However, given the fact that the common cold is still without cure, it's seems logical that cancer is a difficult bugg@r to find a cure for. I do believe however, that at some point it will be beaten. Better start go running C!!!

The chest x-ray came back clear. Good. The on call doctor called Dr Davis to discuss what they could do. It was decided that the cough needed suppressing as I wasn't bringing any infected gunk up. So codeine linctus was the medicine required. It better work!!!

I had planned to serve Debbie a light summery lunch but due to my PMH visit this was cancelled. Instead we rendez-voused at Waitrose cafe...so glam! It was lovely to see her. However, the people around us were clearly irritated with my coughing as I kept getting stared at! 

Next stop was Dr Ford. I know this was bad but going away I just felt I wanted another medical opinion on how I could start to shift this thing. Dr Ford was brilliant and gave me some 'just in case' medicines, knowing that I was away so wanted me to feel like I had things with me, so no need for any doctor/ hospital trips. I still can't believe he's leaving for another practice. These last few months have been made so much easier with the Rosemead family, particularly Dr Ford, helping out.

Prescriptions in hand and also codeine linctus on the list I went to Boots. All items preset and correct, aside from no codeine linctus. Oh well I'll try the pharmacy in Sainsbury's. The pharmacist said that this was only available through a prescription, as drug addicts often buy it for it opiate qualities. Mmn...I hadn't banked on this being quite so difficult! Bizarrely I was able to buy co-codamol which had more codeine in it than the linctus. So I had an option available. As it was after 6pm all of the smaller pharmacies were shut, so I knew it was a case of waiting for the morning to search for the linctus! 

Dinner that evening was the salad that I had planned to make Debbie for lunch, accompanied by some falafel and bourekia to ensure DW was full up. Given it was such a lovely evening, I decided it was time for a glass of wine!
Photo no.391 - dinner time!

Saturday 19th July

Song of the day (LH): Now we are free - Hans Zimmer & Lisa Gerrard
Song of the day (VW): Holiday - Madonna

Amazing, thank you co-codamol for the 10 hours sleep! 

My song choice for today reflected the fact that we were off on a much needed break! I was slightly anxious being away from home but it was only for 5 days. However, the packing list was huge...clothes, medicines, wig, scarves etc...I truly sympathise with people travelling with small children! It was so unbelievably hot and humid that packing had to be completed in stages. We had decided that we would have a leisurely day and then drive down late afternoon, to try and pick a pocket in the traffic. This planned seemed to work, as we had a traffic free journey filled with the homer-welinder soundtrack. I put this on shuffle and have to admit, it was a darn good couple of hours of music. Due to my lack of voice, DW was also content that there was no singing in the car! Just some seat dancing! 

We arrived at The Pig on the beach and it was absolutely stunning! 

Photo no.392 - a room with a view....

The weather was quite a few degrees cooler than at home and with no humidity either, it was a very welcome relief. It felt like we had gone to another country as being by the sea is just so relaxing and calming. We had arrived a bit later than planned, so it was soon dinner time! The Pig describes itself as a restaurant with rooms so a good dinner was to be expected!

Photo no.393 - this literally brought tears to my eyes...such a thoughtful gesture.

Photo no.394 - thanks Kim and Emily!xxx

Photo no.395 - the most stunning crab salad with pickled fennel

Photo no.396 - silver mullet with a black garlic sauce and deep fried courgette flower

Photo no.397 - a nice bottle of Spanish white!

Photo no.398 - the pig cheese board.

Tonight's dinner was probably one of the best I've had all year. The first two courses were simple amazing. The ethos of the Pig is that most the of fruit and veg is grown in their own kitchen garden and that all other elements have to come within a 25 mile radius of the hotel...clearly excluding wine! The only downside of tonight's dinner was that we were unable to have a conversation, as every time I tried to talk a coughing fit ensued. So much so that at the end of dinner when I asked for more water, I was brought a vat of honey and lemon. It was so welcome and really soothing. We must have a looked like a couple at war rather than two people who were having a fantastic dinner, conversation aside! Still small progress was being made and tomorrow is another day. The sea air must help!

Sunday 20th July

Song of the day (VW): Sinnerman - Nina Simone/ Felix da Housecat
Song of the day (LH): Use somebody - Kings of Leon

Breakfast at The Pig was my kind of breakfast. A huge table filled with lots of scrummy things...granola, muesli, croissants, rhubarb jam, the biggest blueberries I've ever seen, raspberries, strawberries...it was carb lovers delight! Over breakfast one of the waitresses came up to us and asked if we were Scandinavian, as she had seen our surname on the list. DW of course then replied in Swedish and it transpired that she was also Swedish, so over breakfast during our stay DW was able to converse in some svenska!

One of the best things about The Pig's location is that it's a short walk to 2 beaches. So our plan for the day walk, rest, eat, walk, rest, eat!


Photo no.399 - the holidaymakers! 

Photo no.400 - Studland bay - the boats were out.

Photo no.401 - DW in summer mode.

Photo no.402 - Old Harry Rocks

Just before this photo was taken, there was a french woman with her daughter who narrowly avoided being showered with seagull poop...the mother literally walked a metre in the right direction as the sh*t fell! 

Photo no.403 - Harry rocking again.

Photo no.404 - rest time...lounger check, Observer Food monthly check, sea view check!

Photo no.405 - the kitchen garden at the Pig.

Photo no.406 - the hobbit house in the kitchen garden...yep, you can stay there! Next time...

Photo no.407 - dipping my toes into the sea! It was fresh! 

This beach is Middle beach and during the day I can imagine it gets really busy, as it was absolutely beautiful. Plus is was a sandy beach, which is a rare thing on this coastline. The weather was absolutely perfect and made such a refreshing change to the heat wave of the past week.

Post beach walk, it was time to take advantage of the roll top bath and relax with some of the lovely toiletries that were provided. Along with a decaff nespresso...yep, there was a machine in the room. The only downside was that the bath was in the main room and whilst I wanted some relaxing bath time music on, DW wanted the TV on....we settled with him using subtitles!

Dinner time at The Pig take two!


Photo no.408 - braised veal tails with sundered tomatoes. Yum!

Photo no.409 - du vin!

Photo no.410 - my first taste of Huss - amazing but the hollandaise and potatoes were bland. : (  Aside from my starter, I was pining for my dinner from the previous evening as that had been so perfect! I guess this is the downside of eating in the same restaurant on consecutive nights.

Photo no.411 - tobacco onions...these were the dogs balearics!

Photo no.412 - chocolate mousse...

At the end of a good dinner, I don't often have dessert as I much prefer to just have petit four or a blimin good truffle. Sadly neither were an option so I opted for the chocolate mousse, which was ok. It came with raspberry sorbet which I gave to DW. The thought of eating it makes me still feel queasy, as it reminds me of the fruit lollies that I ate in vain during the early rounds of chemo hoping that it would help save my hair! 

Photo no.413 - DW's dessert option....an old fashioned with a cigar. One very happy man!

Photo no.414 - the master at work...

Photo no.415 - relaxing by the fire pit...DW cigar & old fashioned, VW a honey and lemon!

Another wonderful evening, though chat was still limited to the odd whisper sadly. 

Well week 19, what can I say. It's been a week of progress albeit still a fair way to go to be coughless and voiceful! This week has also provided a different mental shift for DW and I, which has been so gratefully received and needed. Here's hoping week 20 will be even better! Much love to you all.xxx

Week 18 - it finally happened!!!

Hello Wonderland! It's been a while. The last few weeks have proved the hardest so far, hence the radio silence but with less than 2 weeks until surgery, it's time for a well overdue update. I hate to say this but I've not felt like writing. I still don't to some extent but have an ever enduring drive to ensure my story is logged so here goes.....

Monday 7th July

Song of the day (LH): The climb - Miley Cyrus
Song of the day (VW): Waking up - Elastica

Despite the cold/ cough, I had had a feeling the night before that the final chemo session might actually happen this time. I didn't say this aloud to anyone as I hoped it could go ahead and didn't want to jinx anything. Sleeping wise I had been awake on/off all night. Partly thinking about what might be...

This time it was a low key chemo party with just me and my mum. I think she was pleased to come to a chemo session....so would it go ahead or not?! We got settled into room 142 and Regina came fairly quickly to take the blood, which would be the decider. We sang some gospel together and had some chats around her thoughts on christianity and faith. I find these conversations fascinating as everyone has strong views on religion, whether they believe in any form of god and how it should and shouldn't be practised. It's sadly one of the major instigators of war, even if it's used as an excuse hiding the real reason. 

Today things seemed to happen fairly speedily and she came back with a smile to say Dr Davis was happy for the treatment to go ahead. It was then my call if I felt up to it. I wasn't feeling tip top as I was still coughing and blowing my nose but heck lets just get this thing done!!! I have to say there was a small part of me saying wait a few days to feel better so that I would go into this round fighting fit but the larger part of me just wanted to get it over and done with.

So after the decision a few calls were made to some of the chemo team who were local to see if they could join us. A while later Debbie and Ces came and the party could start...but wait we didn't have any baked goods or party drinks!!! As it was pretty much lunchtime my Mum offered to walk into Windsor to go to the infamous Jungs. So orders were taken and off she went, iPhone sat nav in hand...would she make it back?!!! During this the last docetaxel was gradually being dripped into me. It takes around an hour. My mum left shortly after the drip had started so when it was 75% done we started to get a bit worried about her as the deli is only a 15 minute walk away maximum...so we put out an SOS call and it turns out she had got a bit lost on the way back. Ces popped out of the room and the final bleep went on the machine. It felt apt that it was just Debbie and I in the room at this moment, as she's been there from the very first conversation of going to the GP. 

Finally lunch arrived at the perfect time, when the all of the drips had been taken away. It was also the perfect time as we were all starving and desperate to eat!!! The sandwiches were delicious but so huge that I couldn't manage the gigantic doughnut that had come with them! Probably best for the waistline!

After lunch we waited for what seemed like eternity for the bag from the pharmacy to be brought up! It turns out that it had come up earlier but Regina had waited for us to have our party! Good job we waited as just as were leaving the room one of the porter's came into the room with a congratulations balloon tied to a box of chocolates! From the chemo team....now was this Regina and the team at PMH or the work of Kim and co?!! Regina denied all knowledge but looked pretty shifty...mmn! Detective V on the case...it turns out it was from Kim, Ces (poker face!) and Eoin! A brilliant surprise. Thank you all so much!

Photo no.380 - the lovely ladies that have got me through the 6 sessions (Jill on the left, Regina on the right). Thank you so much!

I felt a bit worn out and was coughing quite a bit for the rest of the day. But it was finally done. Hurrah!!!

Tuesday 8th July

Song of the day (LH): Kokomo - The Beach Boys
Song of the day (VW): Ghetto in paradise - Guts

It was a late bedtime the night before, as my temperature decided to dip below 36 degrees for the first time. 35.9 wasn't a number we wanted to see just as we were going to bed. But hey just roll with it. DW was an angel making me drink tea and wrapping me up in a duvet even though I felt as if I was going to explode temperature wise. Thankfully after a while it settled back into the safe zone, so sleep could be had.

Photo no.381 - day 2: early morning cocktail...antibiotics, steroids, fluconazole and anti nausea tablet! 

The morning was spent resting with DW on the sofa. This is the best type of rest. As always with a day 2, I was actually feeling pretty good. Fingers crossed for this to continue! 

In the afternoon, my mum drove me over to PMH for my last neulasta jab! We were truly honoured to be taken into Regina's office for this and a good lengthy chat! As you know I bought Regina some ginger wine as an end of chemo present but had held off giving it until it actually happened! Unbeknown to me, my mum had called Regina while she was away to check on me. So the previous day my mum had given Regina a bottle of ginger wine....grrr!!! So I turned up with my original thank you bottle of ginger wine plus some pink bubbly! Regina which would you like.....of course you know what happened she took the ginger wine and the pink bubbles were given to the whole team! They've been amazing so it was a tiny gesture of thanks from me. 

We popped into town on the way back to pick up a few things. On the way to the town hall to try and get an advantage card...I will get one at some point I heard a massive crash. My mum had fallen over....heals and speedy walking not a good combo! Luckily she was fine but it caused a bit of commotion!!!

The rest of the day was spent resting, I'm getting well practised at this. My cough seemed to be getting worse, which wasn't fun. I was also enjoying lots of cold sweats, most likely to be menopausal hot flushes, great! Still another day done.

Wednesday 9th July

Song of the day (LH): Cry to me - Solomon Burke

8 hours of sleep! Hurrah! DW spent the morning with me again, which was brilliant. My afternoon was planned to spend with Rachel and Maddie. We had lunch together and then went for a short walk to 'try' to get the little lady to sleep. I felt wiped by this stage. As much as I love her, Maddie wasn't so restful to hang out with as she had been for my first chemo round when she was a few weeks old. So I decided to head home and dial up mummy daycare for her to come over. Writing this a few weeks later, it's strange to have the need to have someone here all the time during a week one. But when I'm in a week one, it feels extremely volatile not knowing what's going to happen. Of course the hope is that nothing happens but.........So my lovely mummy came over and pottered around the house and did some jobs while I was a lazy mouse and rested. Resting is pretty much all I did for the rest of the day as the achiness had kicked in, coupled with lots of coughing, cold sweats and talking becoming an effort. Not the best day but another step forward. Keep going VW!

Thursday 10th July

Song of the day (VW): Green garden - Laura Mvula
Song of the day (LH): You make me feel brand new - Simply Red

Happy birthday Maggie!

I woke up having had the best night's sleep in a week. DW had gone to work at the normal time so daddy daycare had come over. I was asleep for most of his shift but he kept himself busy with sorting out the jungle of our front garden. Thank you! The achiness had really set in my back, chest (from coughing) and my knees. To be honest I felt super crappy. I've been so determined to remain positive but these days were really challenging that spirit. The drive to keep going was there but I just felt distant from myself and in one word lousy. 

Photo no.382 - sofa time...my home for the week.

Emily took over daycare duty and made a me a stunning salad for lunch. It was all I could do to sit at the table for a short time to eat this. She even cooked, yep, cooked in my kitchen without me interfering. This is probably the best measure for you to know how pants I was feeling. Thanks for looking after me.xxx

Photo no.383 - a delightful chicken salad!

Most of today was spent on the sofa or in bed. It seemed I just couldn't really get comfortable with the different parts of my body aching away. DW was amazing, coming home to cook dinner after he'd been out all day. I feel that cooking is my job, so it upset me that I couldn't even face doing something that I usually love. It's ok to have wobble. I know. But I was crossing my fingers that tomorrow would be a much better day.

Friday 11th July

Song of the day (LH): Rude - Magic
Song of the day (VW): Time to say goodbye - Bocelli & Brightman

What happened today. Oh that's right. The whole day on the sofa. Getting up was difficult this morning. I eventually hauled myself out just after 10. Today was Rachel daycare and she was amazing. We had a croaky chat on the sofa and then she headed downstairs to work, while I watched many a movie. Kim had recommended Julie and Julia to me a while ago so I watched this. It's such a lovely movie, albeit I did find Meryl Streep's accent somewhat grating but if you're a cooking enthusiast then this is a film for you. Or if you're not it's still a wonderfully relaxing movie to watch. 

I came downstairs for a spot of lunch, lovingly prepared by Rachel and happily ate the fab quiche and salad. My head was feeling quite foggy, perhaps from an extra day of steroids that I had taken (still one less than prescribed), the aching was in full swing across my body and cough, cough, cough! The worst bit was lack of energy. Something I've not really suffered from on previous rounds and generally I find my energy levels affect my mood. High energy, shining happy VW. Low energy, low mood levels. So tricky business. I kept mentally slapping my face in an effort of trying to force myself into positivity mode once more and to hopefully gain some energy. Today was not the day. 

Photo no.384 - more sofa time.

My after lunch movie was Monsters University. For those of you who loved Monsters Inc, this is definitely worth a watch and even made me smile a few times. Very welcome! Rachel stayed until Daniel returned home from work. Thanks so much.xxx

I realised at this stage that I hadn't left the house or even strayed into the garden. So I decided I would accompany DW to pick up the Indian takeaway, which took more effort than predicted. My feet were getting painful to walk on and feeling slightly numb. Awesome! Thankfully it was ready when we arrived so no lengthy wait for dinner! The one good thing is that I haven't lost my appetite throughout the chemo experience but I must admit that evening I was eating rather savouring what was on the plate in front of me.

Today was definitely a how the hell did we end up here day? DW and I definitely reflect each other's energy and so when I'm this low I know it has an affect on him. There's little he or anyone can do, as unfortunately it was a case of riding the wave but I can imagine it must be so hard being the observer. 

Still day 5 done. Please let tomorrow be better. Please, please, please!

Saturday 12th July

Song of the day (LH): Could it be magic - Barry Manilow
Song of the day (VW): We close our eyes - Go West

Happy birthday Sarah!

The croaks from yesterday had diminished into nothing...yep, I lost my voice! This has never happen to me before and I found it so frustrating as even whispering was taking a lot of effort. I was still feeling terrible. Another sofa day. It's hard having sofa days when it's sunny outside as you feel that you should be outside but don't feel like it. All you want to do is snuggle up in a blanket but it's too hot to do that. Catch 22. 

Today was crack day....yep, I cracked and had 2 big teary releases. One in the morning and one watching DW cooking dinner. I hate saying this but I felt sorry for myself. It had finally happened. The feeling of frustration that I so wanted to feel better and at the same time felt so lousy I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't talk to anyone as I didn't have a voice. It felt isolating even though I knew DW was at home. 

So movie time again...Priceless, a French film with Audrey Tatou, some brain cells used reading the subtitles and The Kids are all right. I realised that fatigue had set in so better to embrace it. The coughing was driving me and no doubt DW and all others in close proximity absolutely crazy. Thankfully the aching had got a lot better and I managed to eat dinner (fajitas cooked by DW) without being propped up with my old lady cushion. My feet however, were hurting like hell, it was that feeling of them about to go into cramp constantly. Nice!

I was also completely gutted as we were meant to be spending the evening on the river at Henley festival with the Hamiltons watching The Jacksons. It wasn't to be. DW was originally meant to be in Brussels celebrating his cousin's 50th birthday but thankfully stayed with me due to it being a week 1. Margareta we will be over later this year to have a belated celebration with you! Then the aim was to make Henley Festival but this didn't happen. Next year! 

Mentally as you tell this is probably the lowest I've felt on the journey so far. By bedtime, with the achiness subsiding I had begun to feel more optimistic. So fingers crossed for a better day tomorrow for both of us, as it wasn't fun for DW needing to be home all weekend. 


Sunday 13th July

Song of the day (VW): I wish I knew how it would feel to be free - Nina Simone
Song of the day (LH): Reach for the stars - SClub7

The lyrics of my song choice felt particularly apt for the way I had been feeling. 3 sofa days done...what would today hold??? Well, it turned out to be another sofa 'day of fun'. Again I barely went outside, as my energy levels were low. At this point I have to say how eternally grateful I am to have such a fantastic support network around me. To be on your own must be so hard, so I will be forever thankful to everyone who has helped us on this journey. Positive of the day was no aching! Yay! Today was mainly about coughing and feeling spaced out. Lethargy had probably set in.

Some more tears of frustration and sadness were shed today. My voice had still decided to disappear so communication was difficult. DW calmly spent the day doing stuff around the house. Later in the afternoon I heard the doorbell ring but couldn't hear who it was. Our house is on a fairly busy road, so with the window open and the TV volume at a level to compete with the traffic it's virtually impossible to hear what's going on. It turns out it was the ever amazing Ces and Rob with a support package of some magazines and flowers. A genuinely lovely surprise and it melted my heart. 

As with Emily cooking in the kitchen on Thursday, today was going to be another debut. DW cooking the Sunday night supper. We decided on comfort food, so a baked sausage parcel with romano peppers it was! I must have been feeling better, as I decided to help out with the chopping of the onions and peppers. That and I wanted to eat before 9pm! DW is a great cook, particularly of meat, but not the fastest, so when chopping is involved  it's best to help out. So it turned into a team affair!

Photo no.385 - a baked sausage parcel.

Photo no.386 - on the plate!

It was a silent supper with my lack of voice but a good one nonetheless.

Well week 18, you've not been my favourite it has to be said. At least you're done and so is the chemo! When people found out that chemo had gone ahead, everyone said it was time to celebrate, which it was. For me, chemo would be finished once I felt better and the drugs had vacated my system, after doing their very important job. So still not quite a time for celebration. I truly want to thank everyone for either spending time with me, doing things to bring a smile on my face and most of all to DW for persisting with this challenging week. We did it. Hopefully not to be repeated. Week 18 done!

Week 17...let's try again

Monday 30th June

Song of the day (LH): In my life - The Beatles
Song of the day (VW): My love - Route 94

Third time lucky? We'll see.

DW woke me up as he was leaving. He normally leaves me to sleep but I guess on a chemo day it's different. You never know what may happen. But then again this is the same for all of us. Anyway it was a nice way to be woken up.

I got ready leisurely and waited for Kim's taxis to arrive. It's always so lovely to see Kim's smiling face. She is potentially the cheeriest person I know, she can brighten up any day. We loaded the car up, including Little Miss S, and went to pick up Ces so that our team was complete!

Regina seemed a little quiet today when we got there. Perhaps excesses of the weekend?! I had run out of emla cream so was going to be 'brave' and let Regina do it without but she pulled out some emla and said lets wait a bit. So we all chatted while the cream did it's magic in room 142. I was feeling a bit tired as I hadn't had the best sleep but was willing my white cells to have improved and hit the right number. Cream off. Time for blood to be taken...what now, the port was not behaving itself. Regina wiggled it (just a little bit) and thankfully it decided to play...now the real waiting game. Please, please, give us the 'right' result....

After what felt like an endless wait, Regina walked in shaking her head. Before she said anything she handed over a mobile phone. It was Dr Davis on the end of the line. End of the line. Funny how the generation growing up now won't even really realise where this phrase came from, a bit like other historical phrases that are used but often the origins aren't so obvious....'Cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey' for example. Anyway back to the phone call...Dr Davis apologised that she couldn't authorise treatment going ahead. Whereas the previous week I had been told I had been 0.1 off it now seemed that my total white cell count had to hit around 3.0 for treatment to go ahead. Sigh. Progress had been made in that all my cell counts had increased from the previous week. White cells were up to 2.49 from 2.30 but that meant I need 0.51 increase to hit the magic 3.0...is this even possible in a week? The answer was that it absolutely is possible, it just depends on how quickly my body can repair itself. So guess what the order of the day was...yep, you've got it - rest, rest and more rest! 

I've lost the frustration feeling really. Being out of my control, rest aside, means that I can't affect the decision so the best plan is just to roll with it. Interestingly Dr Davis mentioned that depending on next week's cell count, round 6 might be abandoned altogether. I'm not exactly certain on the reasoning behind this, so will need to ask more questions next week, but I feel torn on this. Part of me is extremely happy to not have to do another round. But the achiever part of me feels like 6 rounds were set, so 6 should be achieved. Mmn....lets see what next week brings.

So another abandoned session...sigh, especially as Kim had taken another day's leave to be with me and Ces had given up her resting/lounger sessions. Grrr. We left it that I might go in on Friday to have a check on my bloods to see if Monday would even be a potential goer or not. Right...what's the plan. Lunch at the famous German deli that's what....though I felt bad turning down Debbie's offer of freshly baked scones, particularly after speaking to her yesterday and she mentioned that she was on a fast day....whoops!

Photo no.364 - bratwurst und sauerkraut - not the most attractive of pics! ; )

We had a lovely lunch and completed it with some tea and kuchen...Ces' doughnut was incredible. A great place for lunch whenever you're next in Windsor.

After lunch we headed back to the hospital to pick up the car. We walked through some beautiful backstreets that felt like you could be in London. Absolutely stunning. A positive about being currently on rest duty is that Wimbledon is on. So Kim and I returned home to tune into the Murray match. 'Tiger' Tim Henman was in the commentary box next to McEnroe...how on earth did Tim Henman get that nickname...he never really did seem to have the eye of the tiger but he did have the heart of the nation every summer for about 6 years. Kim left when the roof was needed to put over centre court, so I settled down for a nap. Bliss. I find having the tennis on in the background really soothing. White noise.

DW came home and wasn't feeling great. He wasn't sure if had a cold or hayfever...please let it be hayfever. I would have thought if it was a cold I would have it by now...we'll see. So we had a really restful and relaxing evening, watching a lot of TV.

A really good amount of resting I feel. It seems like we're currently stuck in limbo at the moment. Having progressed through the other chemo rounds nicely, it now feels like someone's hit the pause button and they're not willing to press it again for a while. I know I've been lucky with my reactions to previous rounds so perhaps I should just shut the hell up and enjoy being told not to do anything for a couple of weeks...a rare event. But you know me it feels like a bit of a rut, one that I want to get out of pronto. Right, best get to sleep for some proper rest.


Tuesday 1st July

Song of the day (VW): You've got a friend - Carole King
Song of the day (LH): These dreams - Heart
Song of the day (EH): 9 to 5 - Dolly Parton

My Carole King choice, as many of you will know is from the incredible album Tapestry. I was completely obsessed with this in my late teens. The whole album is seamlessly amazing. Give it a try if you haven't already.

So a day of rest you say. Ok, lazy solo breakfast check. Emily had planned to come over to originally take me to my MRI/CT then to potentially look after me post chemo but in the end it was just for some proper catch up time and I suspect to keep a watchful eye on my resting levels. ; )

As a treat she made me a healthy salad that was good for boosting immunity. The ingredients sound simple and potentially slightly bland but it was absolutely delicious...chicken, fennel, grapefruit, watercress, spinach, rocket with a balsamic dressing.

Photo no.365 - a lovely light lunch...courtesy of Emily Wright. It tasted as beautiful as it looks.

A post lunch stroll was permitted in my resting schedule so we pottered into Maidenhead with the Thai supermarket being a highlight of our very glamorous trip. ; ) Emily was delighted to find a green papaya and invested in some dried brown shrimps...I hope they tasted better than they smelt!!!

I was then left to have some proper nap time. Tennis on in the background to zone out. What a minute it actually was an awesome match...Nadal vs Krygios. So nap out of the window but definite resting happened on the sofa. 

Earlier that day I had spoke to Jane and we briefly discussed the point that Dr Davis had muted around abandoning round 6. I have such mixed feelings about this. 6 sessions were set so I want to complete the course, no bailing out. Plus if, and I really hope this is not the case, but if anything came back in the future then I'd wonder if the abandoned round 6 had any impact on the situation. There again it would be nice to not do another round but nice isn't part of this process. We'll see. Though I'm pretty annoyed chemo has gone into another month. June should have seen it finished! Ride the wave VW nothing you can do but rest, rest, rest!

Inspired by the salad from lunch, I fancied something equally light and delicious for dinner. So I bastardised Jamie O's 15 minute meal chicken tikka salad, substituting the chicken for smoked mackerel (a super food!) and the lentils for giant cous cous. I really loved the giant cous cous, in fact I prefer it to its standard size sibling. It was a lovely evening but the pollen was out in the force. DW was really suffering and looking completely shattered. He wasn't sure if it was just hayfever but the pollen count was so high that it had to be....if he had a cold then I would have it by now, wouldn't I?

Debbie and I had a good catch up as we hadn't had a good debrief following yesterday's abandoned attempt. It's so great to have her as a sense check on the situation. Plus it gave us a chance for us to chat about her day of fun for the next day including dinner at Gymkhana...the menu looks incredible so once I'm back up to speed I plan to head there!!!

There had been much hype around Dolly Parton's Glastonbury debut, so I thought I should check it out. I have to say I loved it. It's almost like she's a machine, well I guess after so many live shows you become pretty good. I might just have to add her to the list of people to see!


Wednesday 2nd July

Song of the day (LH): Under the sun - Cheryl Cole
Song of the day (EH): Ghostwriter - RJD2

DW had a restless night, so decided to stay at home. He really didn't look well but I still thought it was acute hayfever. He slept and stayed indoors to avoid the evil pollen getting to him.

I relaxed on the lounger in the shade for most of the morning. I know it's a tough life! ; )

Photo no.366 - lounger view

After baking some banana bread and eating lunch, I was given permission to go for a stroll with Rachel. We walked along the Thames to Ray Mill Island, affectionately now dubbed Guinea Pig Island. For some reason there are guinea pigs here, really bizarre as I can't see any reason for this. It was hot, so we took the opportunity for an ice cream!

Photo no.367 - gelato, yes please!

I loved Rachel's flake technique...flip it into the cone so rather being left with a dry cone you actually get some chocolate at the end, a bit like a cornetto.


Photo no.368 - this boat filled the whole lock...it came complete with a hot tub on top!

Photo no.369 - one of my favourite riffs of all time...

DW had requested pasta for dinner. I wanted something light as it was so hot so we settled on roasted pepper and tomato king prawn pasta. It's a great dinner if you want to do other stuff while it's cooking or in my case relax and watch the tennis!

Photo no.370 - dinner!

As DW had been inside all day, we decided to take a walk along the river after dinner. It had cooled down a lot so it was the perfect temperature for an evening walk. 

Photo no.371 - beautiful sunset...red sky at night...

My hayfever decided to kick in as well, brilliant! Chemo helps with this as some of the anti nausea meds work like an anti-histamine so another reason why it would have been good to go ahead!

Had I done too much today? Who knows? I felt fine but the punishment always comes the next day. Fingers crossed.


Thursday 3rd July

Song of the day (LH): Hot in herre - Nelly
Song of the day (VW): Everybody loves the sunshine - Takuya Kuroda

Why oh why did I book a 10am GP appointment? I have all day so could have booked an afternoon session...d'oh!!! Any once up, you're up so I got ready to see my favourite GP, the ever delightful Dr Ford. Thankfully he was running on time as I had a 10.30 date with one of my oldest friends, Vicki Spill (now Clark). Forever she will be a Spill to me and I guess for some people I will remain being a McF! As DW had taken the car, my chauffeur was ready and waiting for me when I got back from the GP. We have tried several times to meet up but seem to be scuppered by my ever changing appointments, so this was a positive of chemo delay so that we could have a proper catch up.

We went up to Stubbings and had some great cake, coffee and big old chinwag! Absolutely lovely. 

Vicki then dropped me at Ces' as she had asked if I fancied popping in. What a good call it was! A couple of hours on the lounger with chilled chat and this beautiful view....

Photo no.372 - Hamilton HQ!

Time to leave for Ces to have a nap and for me to nap too....joe le taxi called and I was promptly home. Time to relax on another lounger with not so great a view!

My final appointment of the day was with the ever delightful Lisa Bhatt! With her she brought an immunity pack for me...some green tea, almonds and ginseng...all good immunity boosters! Thanks so much!

I'm not a fan of green tea but this one is wonderful. There's no green tea bitterness and it has a really delicate flavour. A must for anyone who normally isn't a fan of green tea.

Photo no.373 - The East India Tea company

We had a great catch up and discussed our next shopping session...a trip to Nicola Jane in Clerkenwell for mastectomy bras! Oh yeah, better to suck it up now and be prepared, as with the wig than freak out post surgery. Baden-Powell was a wise man...be prepared.

The salad theme continued tonight for dinner with Bill Granger's Spicy Squid salad with cucumber and capers... no pic available but it was good...it would have been even better if I had remembered to put the squid in the garlic and chilli marinade...oops! 

One of the sounds from my childhood is that of my dad filling a watering can on summer's evenings when I was trying to go to sleep. I find it a really calming sound and every time I fill a watering can it comes flooding back to me. It's great how sounds and smells can catapult you to a distinct memory. For this reason I find after dinner watering really therapeutic.

After my dinner my hayfever went to a different level, hopefully not due to the garden watering I hope...my nose became red and sore from the countless times I had to blow it or catch a drip (nice I know!!!). Dear Mr Pollen, please die down. Yours sincerely, VW's red nose.

Friday 4th July

Song of the day (LH): Grenade - Bruno Mars
Song of the day (EH): Retreat! Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings

Argh! It wasn't the pollen's fault, it's a cold. Boo! I had had a terrible night's sleep with a bunged up nose and the itchiest throat. My sinuses were blocked which meant I looked like I had been crying. Not the best look VW! 

I was gutted. Having spent the week resting as much as possible, which is tricky for me, a curveball had hit me. It's not DW's fault. He's exhausted so it's no surprise that it transpired into a cold but seriously give me a blimin break!

I spent the morning on the sofa, feeling it has to be said pretty sorry for myself. A rare thing and indulgent...a few episodes of New Girl later I decided to kick myself up the ass and finally do something. 

We've lived in the Royal Borough for over 2 years now, much to DW's dislike ; ). One of the so called perks is a card that gives you cheaper parking and free entry to Windsor castle. I've been meaning to get one for ages but never seem to get round to this. I put this on my to do list for the week so I decided this was a task that I could face into.

I walked into the town hall and met this sign....

Photo no.374 - you can't be serious!

Unbelievable! Oh well another time. Being out and about I decided to take a trip to the Italian supermarket. I've been craving some lambrusco...no. not the sweet 80s version but the secco version which is a perfect summer's evening drink. I've looked in a few places with no luck but the Italian supermarket delivered the good. Success! 

I headed home starting to feel as if I was burning up. Temperature check time...37.8 degrees...uh oh not so good. Wig off, paracetamol swallowed. Please start going down. Physical symptoms aside, luckily I didn't have a foggy cold head. I had called Jane earlier that day to mention that I had a cold to see what she thought for Monday. She hadn't picked up so I sent a message but hadn't heard from her. Several attempts later in the afternoon and still no joy. Then the phone rang and it was Regina. As much as I love her it's difficult to sometimes understand what she's saying, particularly over the phone. I got told off for not going in that day to be checked out but aside from that I was told to take it easy over the weekend, what's new (!) and go in on Monday. Yes boss! Temperature aside I wasn't feeling too worried so I was fairly content with the advice. 

I had a prescription for antibiotics that I had yet to cash in so when DW arrived back home, we went to pick this up and grab some dinner. For whatever reason there was something inside telling me to go and get these. As it turns out I was pleased I had. We had a lazy pizza dinner and then both hit the sofa, feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. As the evening progressed I could feel the cold moving into my chest. Mmn...not feeling so content about this. At 10pm, I decided to call in some medical help so texted Ces and Eoin to see if either of them was still up. Thankfully they both called and concluded the same thing that it wouldn't be a bad thing to start the antibiotics. A big heartfelt thanks to both of you. Knowing that you're both at the end of the phone at these times is the greatest reassurance I can have.

So antibiotics time, again! My temperature was still playing havoc and was being controlled by paracetamol so I suspected I wasn't going to have the most restful night. I must say this one of the few times where the unfair word kicked into play for me. Why oh why. I had got so close to potentially trying for chemo on the following Monday and this had kicked in. Additionally I really wasn't feeling great. Bugg@r! Pants...please let me get through the night without too much trouble.

Saturday 5th July

Song of the day (LH): Boogie 2nite - Booty Luv (Seamus Haji Big Love remix)
Song of the day (EH): Around the world - Daft Punk

As predicted it wasn't a great night sleep. I was worried about my temperature and just couldn't get to sleep. I think I finally got a couple of solid hours between 6 and 9. Needless to say I felt terrible. The worst bit was the sinus pain...Sudofed at the ready!

Photo no.375 - Homage to 'My Bed' chemo style...

I decided to call Dunedin to get some advice. I spoke to a lovely nurse called Gwen. Her advice was to head to the Royal Berks to get some blood tests done. This is the downside of private hospitals, well the two that I'm currently linked with, is that there are few services at the weekend. So I was advised that it would be quicker to go to A&E. Plus my oncologist was on site at the Royal Berks that weekend. It felt slightly fraudulent to go to A&E for what is just a cold but I was concerned with a low white blood cell count that this could quickly escalate, so better to get checked out.

Red chemo book to the ready, we got in the car to go. A great day out! ; )) From my last visit to the Royal Berks, I remember the parking being hideous. Thankfully it was quiet today so parking wasn't an issue. We walked into  A&E. I looked around the waiting area, it looked fairly quiet so I was hopeful that the wait wouldn't be too long. 

I handed my red book into the lady at reception and a few details later, I was told to go through the double doors and take a seat. Above the seat was a sign. Acute cases. Ok, so the red book gets you through the double doors quickly. It's at these moments that I do realise the seriousness of what's going on at the moment. We waited for a couple of minutes and then the triage nurse called me in. Some vitals done and I was then taken to a side room. They were amazing in keeping me isolated just in case I was neutropenic (no immune system). A lovely nurse came and chatted to us and said that they'd take my blood. They had tried to get an oncology nurse to come over to take blood from my port but unfortunately they were all busy. So time to be brave and use a regular vein without emla! Only second to Regina, she was brilliant...sharp scratch and it was done. My resilience to this kind of stuff is pretty good compared to pre February! 

Blood taken I was moved to a different side room, which became our place for the afternoon. Door closed to keep any potential bugs out. It had a certain cell like quality and I did wonder how long it would take for me to go stir crazy... After a short while, the nurse returned and said that my white cell count was 7.0. 7.0 are you sure?! That's a big hike up from 2.49...I was happy though it meant my body was recovering from being obliterated. All the other blood results were fine as well. Phew. We were asked to wait for the other blood tests to come in and see the doctor. Thankfully I had brought a magazine with me. I tried to get DW into a game of eye spy but he wanted to nap, still not feeling great himself.

In the meantime, we could hear an old lady, Margaret, that had come in having had a fall. She was 92. It seems wrong to say this but she became our entertainment for the afternoon. She went from being the politest lady in the world to throwing numerous tantrums. I felt for her. She was on her own. She flitted from saying she wanted to live to 102 and meet the Queen, to wanting to die. I can't imagine what she felt. Hugely frustrated I'm sure but I'm full of admiration for her. Though I did want her to pipe down on several occasions! 

I was asked to don the delightful hospital robes to be checked out by the doctor. No problemo. Normally I find hospitals far too hot but here was on the chillier side. The nurses kept popping their head round the door to see how I was doing. After I heard Margaret being offered a cup of tea I wanted to get in on the action. So at the next check in point, I asked for a cup of tea. It was one of the best cups I've had. Suddenly I felt warm again. 

The nurse came in to cheek my vitals again and I got a bit of a telling off for self medicating with the antibiotics. Uh oh, I'm in trouble. Shortly afterwards, the doctor came in to examine me. She was happy with the blood results but after listening to my chest, I was told that an x-ray was required to be doubly sure. Okey dok. X-ray done and tea drunk we waited for the doctor once more. Despite only being in this room for a couple of hours, it really felt like time was standing still. Sad to say but there wasn't any phone reception so that was one entrainment source out of the window. 

A little while later, I was given the all clear to go but to keep taking the antibiotics...ok nurse, I wasn't so wrong but I do understand the sentiment. : ) Sigh. Relief. Phew. Good to have the reassurance. I felt wiped. I think the relief meant that the adrenalin had gone, so I just felt drained. We headed home and I hit the sofa for a nap. I should mention that when I arrived home there was some freshly made juice and flowers from a certain someone on my doorstep...it really made me smile. Thank you so much.

Despite feeling exhausted, come what may I couldn't sleep. So I just rested and think I may have eventually dozed off for a bit. 19.30, I better get up, as our guests were about to arrive. We had toyed all afternoon whether we should cancel but in the end we decided that good company would be extremely medicinal! Plus a curry takeaway would be on the menu. As ever with Felicity and Neil we had a really fun and relaxed evening, full of love and laughter. Thanks guys for a great evening, you made our day! xxx

Photo no.376 - medicinal monopoly!

The one thing I want to remember from today was how amazing DW was/ is. He kept so calm throughout the whole process. I truly love him and am so grateful for everything he is doing for me right now. I know how frustrated and exasperated he is with the situation, so I count my lucky stars I have someone so amazing by side. xxx


Sunday 6th July

Song of the day (LH): OMG - Usher feat. will.i.am
Song of the day (VW): Walk on the wild side - Lou Reed
Song of the day (EH): Hooked on a feeling - Blue Suede (Hooga-shaka-hooga-hooga!!!)

Well, well...I think for today my choice wins out! ; ) Let me know what you think!

Compared to yesterday, today was pretty uneventful. Thankfully I had a pretty decent sleep which makes all the difference. Felicity had bought me some Wild Cow products from Cowshed, so I decided to kick off the day with a relaxing bath listening to some Bobby Womack classics, thanks to EH's other song choice of the day. His (Bobby's) duet with Lana del Rey is really atmospheric. 

I still sounded like I smoked 40 a day but generally I was feeling a lot better than the previous day. Progress! A lazy breakfast watching le Tour de France followed. So a good start to a Sunday, albeit breakfast was had at midday. Though really I was pleased with this as I had had a good long sleep.

My parents popped over for a cuppa, as they had got back from holiday. They arrived complete with my order of Menorcan shoes, which all fitted. Perfect. Thank you! The sun was shining so it was lovely to sit outside and relax. DW was running late coming back from the gym, so my parents dropped me off at the butchers, as steak was on the menu for tonight's dinner.

I discovered that the butcher also sells fish, which is a good find. Next time, I'll be going there to try that! As I was waiting for DW to pick me up I wandered around the green grocer section and found this gem.

Photo no.377 - maple smoked garlic.....

I cannot wait to try it. It smells absolutely incredible. Whole bulbs of garlic always remind me of the many plates of roasted garlic and rustic bread that DW, Eoin and I used to eat the Royal Oak...we need to go back! 

We drove to Henley to soak up a bit of the regatta atmosphere and went via some country roads, which were so beautiful on a sunny day. Once in Henley we sadly ended up staying in caffe nero, as neither of us had the energy to take a walk. Highly unusual. Though as we drove into and out of Henley we gleaned some regatta feeling. Next year! 

I've been buying some fruit and veg from the market as you know. This week I bought some fine English asparagus. So I needed a salad that included it to go with the steak and something that wasn't too arduous. I like this challenge of working with the ingredient. After some browsing I found a recipe for a beetroot, feta and asparagus salad. I wasn't 100% sure about it but it was divine! A definite addition to my repertoire.

Photo no.378 - sirloin steak with beetroot, feta and asparagus salad

Well week 17, we've had some highs and lows. The week started out pretty well and then you decided to hit me with another challenge. Thank you so much to everyone who has come on the week 17 journey with me. You're keeping me going more than you will ever know. Lets see what week 18 brings...it should have been the original end of the last chemo cycle but perhaps it will be the start. Whatever happens I know I have the most incredible person by side...xxx

Ps...this is why I love him so much, he leaves things around the house that he knows will make me laugh!

Photo no.379 - Little Miss S has a new hairstyle...