Week 19 - boob job or tummy tuck?!

Monday 14th July

Song of the day (LH): Brand new day - Sting

Song of the day (VW): Come with me - Tania Maria

Ok. Enough's enough. I'm going to see Regina, as this cough just isn't shifting! My mum took me over. This was my first trip away from the house since the previous week. When I say trip, I mean trip. It's strange how your circle of reference closes down and places seem a lot further away based on the effort having to be made. Of course normally a trip to Windsor is nothing but today it seemed a whole heap of effort.

We got there and I gave a sputum sample and also had some blood taken. By this stage there was no longer any bright green stuff bring brought up, so the pot contained clear sticky stuff. I'm sure you needed to know this level of detail!  I was pretty proud of myself as I allowed Regina to take it from my hand with no emla. Had it been anyone else they would not have not been allowed to go anywhere near my hand but as she's got the technique of an archangel she was given clearance!!! Jill made me giggle when she found out I had lost my voice, her response was 'Well we better and go and find it'. Regina's mantra is all about positivity and I absolutely concur with her view. It's just when your energy levels are rock bottom it's pretty hard to be chipper. Though one thing I did take away with me was that each cough was a cough closer to getting better. A mantra that I kept repeating every time I coughed. Believe it or not this actually really helped.

It turned out to be a quick visit as the test results were going to, frustratingly, take a couple of days to come back. I got a small amount of grief as to why didn't I go in at the end of the previous week but it was fine. My mum and Regina had a quick chat as well as I sat there in relative silence. 

I felt like I had more energy today but still felt exhausted. Just going to the hospital had sparked some energy to go there and also some tiredness from the effort. Come on VW! The lack of voice was so frustrating and even whispering took endless effort as often I had to repeat things, which caused more frustration. More tears today...this time on my mum. It was the first time that I've broken down in front of her. I didn't want to but I just needed to release the tension that had been building up inside of me. Strange, as you might think crying takes more energy than I had but in a strange way it's cleansing to get those feelings out of the body. So big fat tears came bubbling out. Afterwards I felt a bit better but I felt guilty that my mum had had to witness it. She has got the patience of a saint when it comes to my 'moments' of frustration, anger (thankfully few) and tears. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent on my place of solitude. The sofa. I have a love hate relationship with this place. Hate as I don't want to be spending my time on my rear. Love in that it's pretty darn comfortable when my body isn't full of aches.

Another day done. Progress made. Lets keep going in that direction as it's holiday time on Saturday!

Tuesday 15th July

Song of the day (LH): Midnight Blues - Liz Green
Song of the day (VW): Tangled up - Caro Emerald

06.30...alarm clock! Eurgh!!! Early doors for me, even pre this stuff going on! Today was second opinion day and we had to be at the clinic for a 09.30 appointment. I had um'd and ah'd over having a second opinion. On the one hand I wanted her to confirm Miss Predolac's view. On the other hand I wanted to know what was feasible. Thankfully the traffic was fine and we got there on time. It's always an unknown.

We both got a good feeling from Fiona MacNeill from the instant we met her. It was tricky having the appointment without a voice, as it was difficult to fully convey everything but DW stepped in when necessary. Her view was that immediate reconstruction was absolutely the right thing to do and that it was unnecessary to wait for 2 years for the what may be. It felt like the 2 year potential death sentence had been lifted and we could breathe again. I had gone into this appointment knowing this could very well be an option and had previously thought I would stick with Miss P's view. My overarching drive is to kick the cancer so if that means waiting 2 years for a reconstruction then so be it. However, Fiona didn't see this as an issue. Her view was that it's better to wake up with something and get on with life rather than worrying and having something hanging over you for 2 years. I couldn't agree more. She gave two potential options for reconstruction. One using my stomach (tummy tuck), the other using a silicon implant (boob job). There were both pros and cons to both. Given the size of my stomach, thankfully relatively small (just like my boobs), she was not 100% sure if I had enough fat to recreate my boob size. Also because I will have the genetic testing done at some point for the BRCA (or as DW calls it the B A Baracus), I do not have enough stomach for 2 breasts even of my small size. She also kept referring to my perfectly nice abdomen...perhaps an indirect way of saying not to mess around with it. Plus I am carrying a little 'holiday weight' so the amount of tummy might not be enough! The conclusion was for me to go away and have a think and see the plastic surgeon that Fiona works with to look at options.

We came out of the meeting feeling a whole heap happier. It felt like we had been given 2 years of our lives back. The only snag. Whether the insurance company would contribute to this or not. 

Despite still feeling pretty exhausted it felt great to be in London again. The buzz is infectious and it gave me a real boost after having spent so many days on my own. A well deserved pret breakfast was required. 

DW dropped me at Paddington and I took the train back. It only seemed fair and plus I didn't think I had the energy to drive home. I'm so bored of writing lack of energy but it's true. I decided that a walk would probably do me some food to get the energy flowing, so I got off a stop earlier and walked back from Taplow. It's a much nicer walk than having to go through the town centre. Most of the way back was fairly shady so it was nice and cool. I stumbled across this on the way back...

Photo no.387 - a milestone.

It certainly did feel like a milestone had been reached regarding surgery decisions. A big thank you goes to B for giving me Fiona's contact details and gently nudging me to get the second opinion. This has made such a difference to us. Huge thank you!x

The rest of the afternoon was spent pootling around the house. I sent the Janes a fairly lengthy email detailing the Fiona conversation, as  I couldn't make a phone call. They called Daniel and chatted it through with him. They completely understood my reasoning and felt that I had to do what was right for me. At this point I hadn't 100% decided to go with Fiona but the Janes seem to conclude that this was a done deal. The only bit that I'm sad about is that they won't be there to hold my hand through surgery. Still I'm sure the new breast care nurses will be lovely. Fingers crossed. I had got some cooking mojo back, so decided on a stir fry...it turned out to be fairly dull but it was good to be back in the kitchen!

Photo no.388 - beef & pepper stir fry.

Looking back on this photo, I can see how tired I was looking. Coughing really does take it out of you, that and a few chemo doses! 

Overall a really good day though. For the first time in a couple of weeks, DW came home looking much happier. He had also really felt the benefit of the Fiona appointment and conceded that it was good that I had pushed for a second opinion. The only thoughts I had were that Miss P had said with immediate reconstruction a slightly larger amount of tissue has to be left, thus increasing the chances of a few cancer cells being left behind. So was this a riskier route cancer wise? The other thought was that I felt like I was betraying Miss P. There again she's not the one living for 2 years wondering when the reconstruction can/ will happen. It feels right having the immediate reconstruction as it puts a more positive slant on recovery and means that treatment will be concluded, albeit no doubt with a few tweaks this year. This feels really important to close the the main part of the story, knowing there's just the epilogue to go.

A good day.

Bedtime arrived and my coughing was incessant. Cough, cough, coughety, cough! It was so bad the DW started googling remedies, so I was gargling salt water and then drinking hot water with lemon. All the tricks of the trade but still cough, cough, coughety, cough! After a while it was time for DW to decamp to another bedroom for him to get some sleep. I think after a while my body decided it had had enough and eventually I flaked out.


Wednesday 16th July

Song of the day (LH): Good feeling - Flo rica
Song of the day (VW): Paradise - Coldplay

Today's agenda was MRI and CT scans. I was concerned that I wouldn't get through the MRI without coughing. You have to keep really still for about 20 minutes so this was going to be a challenge. I had been texting one of my most reliable sources (CH) the previous day on things that could be taken. It was decided that some codeine was a good route to take.  I got up with DW as I needed to eat some breakfast before fasting for 4 hours prior to the CT scan. Then snoozed for a bit. 

My dad was on hospital chauffeur duty today. I know it was going to be a bit more challenging whispering with him as he's got tinnitus but with the aid of a mobile and pressing my larynx to make some sound we got there. First thing on the agenda was seeing Regina to get my port set up for the MRI, as they inject dye into you at some point. I was hoping to discuss my results from Monday's tests with her but they still hadn't come through yet. So I had left far too much time but it was fine, just reading and relaxing. I couldn't believe it though when Regina offered to make my dad a coffee. In all of my sessions this hasn't been offered to anyone, so he must have been really liked!!! 

We went down and waited in the imaging area. I then went on the hunt for some type of mint/ throat sweet that might also help to soothe the coughing and stop it for 20 minutes. About 30 minutes before the scans were due to start I saw Kirsty and mentioned to her the coughing situation. She felt that even though I was face down a throat sweet should be fine. She also brought me hot water to drink as the pre test drink rather than cold, which was really sweet. At this point I also took the codeine. A fairly light dose but considering I hadn't eaten for 4 hours it really made me feel spaced out. Excellent, this should work. 

CT scan first. This was fairly easy as you only have to hold your breath for a few seconds as you go in and out of the machine. Though the contrast injection on this one is weird as it's like a hot liquid travelling around your body and it does feel a bit like you may have wet yourself....thankfully I hadn't!!!

After this I was asked to wait for the MRI. I felt so relaxed and sleepy, which was great as the coughing had dramatically subsided. Hurrah! Waiting though felt like an eternity. Partly I was really chilled out but the other part of me didn't want the codeine to wear off so that the coughing returned. Luckily I was called through and laid face down with my boobs in the cup holders. Here goes. 

The last few times I've had an MRI I've had spa music playing. Today was Coldplay's turn, which actually meant I had a sense of time left. When Paradise came on, I knew this had to be the song of the day. I remember someone else telling me about their MRI experience and a song coming on which became their recovery song. Perhaps Paradise will be mine. Though I wouldn't exactly call this paradise! Despite a couple of tickles at the back of my throat, I got through the scan! Yay! MRI done.

Thanks to the genius who suggested the codeine, I'm not sure it would have been achieved without it!

Post scan I was asked to head back up to oncology for Regina to sort the port out. The syringe had been left in and when Regina saw it she asked who had left it in...uh oh I wouldn't want to be in trouble with Regina. I didn't want to get Hannah in trouble so when Regina asked if it was a woman or a man I just said woman....then poor Hannah came up with the CD of the scans, which I had requested and Regina knew it was her. So sorry Hannah!!! I didn't want to get you in trouble!
We stayed and had a chat with Regina about surgery options. Then it was time to head off. I was still feeling spaced out and really, really needed to eat something. My dad had kindly offered to take me to lunch at The Crown in Bray but given the way I was feeling it would have been a waste of money. So we settled on Stubbing, even though part of me just wanted to head home and sleep. Still I needed to eat something, so it was nice to be taken out. The good thing about Stubbings is that it's fairly speedy, so when you need to eat asap it delivers! A delightful quiche and salad later and my dad dropped me home. I was feeling dreadful by this stage. A hangover type feeling but clearly I hadn't enjoyed the party. I even managed a nap, which goes to show how I was feeling as even over the 5 days of sofa gate napping was a rare thing.

Post nap, I was feeling so much better. When DW came home that evening, he once again seemed so much happier. It was as if a cloud had been lifted for us. Coughing/ lack of voice aside I was beginning to feel a whole heap better. Let this continue!!!


Thursday 17th July

Song of the day (LH): The way you make me feel - Michael Jackson
Song of the day (VW): Tainted love - Karen Souza

Ouch! What a headache to wake up to. This needs to go pdq as I needed to drive up to London for my appointment with Stuart James, the plastic surgeon. I still can't believe I've had a meeting with a plastics guy. So surreal. Thankfully by the time of departure I was feeling better but still a bit spaced out. Careful driving was required.

I picked DW up from his office and we headed up to the clinic. Again it was slightly frustrating only be able to whisper my way through the meeting but it was a positive one. It seemed there were a few options on the table. Currently I do have enough stomach to go down the tummy tuck route. The pro of this is a more natural feeling and looking breast but I will be left with a smiley shaped scar across the whole of my abdomen, three times the length of a Caesarian scar. The implant (boob job) option means all surgery is contained to the breast so a shorter operation but it means a less natural look and feel plus it will need to be maintained for the rest of my life. With radiotherapy on the table this also has a part to play. Generally it fairs better with natural tissue, hence tummy tuck option. With the implant route, there's a 50% chance I will need to have the implant replaced within the first year as the tissue around it may harden too much. Equally there's a 50% chance it will be fine. Fingers crossed for the latter! Both Stuart and Fiona mentioned a new trial running doing radiotherapy before the stomach route. This wasn't an option with the implant as radiotherapy eradicates the natural tissue in this area meaning that it doesn't have anything to nestle/ cling onto. So something else to consider. After having a general chat, he asked me to hop on the bed as he wanted to take a look. This has to go down as my weirdest examination. Generally the curtains are pulled and the medic comes behind the curtain to feel my breast. This wasn't the case here. I took my top and bra off and handed it to DW and then with the curtain open Stuart came and had a look. This was then followed by him pulling up a chair, hands coupled together with him staring at my breasts. I know this is absolutely normal, as these guys are artists as well as surgeons but it was so bizarre being sat half naked on the bed with someone just starring at my boobs! It was also weird for DW, sitting in the chair being Stuart, listening to him describe his wife's breasts. Thankfully I was complimented on my shape...words such a gentle contour being used. Very strange. It was only a week later that DW and I recalled this meeting and the surreality of it as we didn't get a chance later that day to talk about it. We then looked at recent stomach option operations that he had done and I must say the outcomes were pretty amazing but the scar was pretty prominent too. Ideally I would like neither option and for none of this to be happening but my immediate gut response was leaning towards the implant option. This means that I may want to put an implant in my other breast at some stage to 'even' out. We'll see. What was made absolutely crystal clear was that immediate reconstruction was definitely a good option and that regarding the cancer there was no difference between immediate or delayed. I've also had this confirmed by a few other sources, Janes, Breast Cancer Care nurses and Fiona in my follow up appointment.

Even though this appointment had been slightly bizarre, it was another extremely positive meeting and I could just tell that DW was feeling much happier with these options on the table. So was I.

Next stop for me was a much overdue wig wash at Chez Stephan. Putney Bridge is closed at the moment so a detour was required. It was eerily quiet on Putney High Street as usually it packed with traffic. As much as I love Stephan's place, I really wished there was some air con!!! Still always nice to see the team there and today I got to meet Stephan's very cute toddler daughter. 

Photo no.389 - post wig wash pic!

I had an evening to myself, which I was relishing. As a guilty pleasure, I decided to go and try the Lidl that has recently opened. Often they have good German foods that can't be sourced elsewhere, also I needed to pick up some stuff for dinner! It was all going well until I saw the size of the queue. I would have been in it for 30 mins and then I needed to go somewhere else as they didn't have everything I needed. So a rare thing for me to do but I left my basket by one of the unopened checkouts and left. Overall an unsuccessful visit! A shame really as I wanted some of the stuff in the basket!

Photo no.390 - dinner for 1....tricolore salad. Yum!

This was a perfect summer's evening dinner, accompanied by some crusty bread. Nice. I spent most of the evening outside as it was so lovely. I then had a surprise visitor, which was great and had a whisper catch up with Rachel. She had brought round an article about The Pig and things to do nearby, which is where were heading that Saturday. Such a lovely thought!xx

So overall I was starting to turn a corner in what felt like a tanker truck but it was turning. I felt pretty good aside from the blasted cough and lack of voice. I still had some numbness in my fingers and toes but this was expected and wasn't hampering anything. A good sleep would be the best medicine! 


Friday 18th July

Song of the day (LH): Get lucky - Daft Punk

Wowzers! Overnight there had been a huge thunder and lightning storm. I've never seen fork lightning like it before and for such a continued amount of time. I had just about dropped off to sleep when it started about 2am. DW by the this stage of the coughing saga had been sleeping in another room for a few days, so I went upstairs to see if he was awake. He was, so we ended up watching the storm for quite a while. I had gone back to my room but pretty much no sleep was had but a lot of chest exercise was!

We were both shattered that morning from limited sleep. I decided to go over to PMH to see if there was anything that they could do to help me with this blasted cough, as I wanted to feel better for going away the next day. On my way up to the chemo ward, I bumped into Jane. It was a great opportunity to have a quick chat with her about my surgery decision and know that I wasn't in trouble from their perspective. Daniel had been doing all of the conversations so I was pleased to have a whispering chat with her about my surgery decision. She seemed really concerned over my cough/ voice and said to ask Regina to get in touch with Dr Davis. I went up to see Regina and she said my sputum result had come back clear. No infection. Good. But I'm still feeling lousy......Jane then popped up and said that she had spoken to Miss P and she thought it would be good to have a chest x-ray. So down to imagine I went! 

Kirsty took care of me. It's always lovely to see her and it was even lovelier when she mentioned that her and Hannah had been reading my blog. Hope you had fun on your university reunion! And for the red lambrusco it can be bought here...http://www.italiancont.co.uk

Back upstairs I went and waited. There were two ladies having chemo that morning and I couldn't help but to overhear their conversation. It was around cures. Namely that diseases such as polio and HIV have got cures but cancer still hasn't. An interesting perspective that was thrown in was whether drug companies make too much money out of the drugs so they are less concerned with cure. It's a difficult ethical position. One of which you hope that a cure is being worked on but it is easy to believe the other. However, given the fact that the common cold is still without cure, it's seems logical that cancer is a difficult bugg@r to find a cure for. I do believe however, that at some point it will be beaten. Better start go running C!!!

The chest x-ray came back clear. Good. The on call doctor called Dr Davis to discuss what they could do. It was decided that the cough needed suppressing as I wasn't bringing any infected gunk up. So codeine linctus was the medicine required. It better work!!!

I had planned to serve Debbie a light summery lunch but due to my PMH visit this was cancelled. Instead we rendez-voused at Waitrose cafe...so glam! It was lovely to see her. However, the people around us were clearly irritated with my coughing as I kept getting stared at! 

Next stop was Dr Ford. I know this was bad but going away I just felt I wanted another medical opinion on how I could start to shift this thing. Dr Ford was brilliant and gave me some 'just in case' medicines, knowing that I was away so wanted me to feel like I had things with me, so no need for any doctor/ hospital trips. I still can't believe he's leaving for another practice. These last few months have been made so much easier with the Rosemead family, particularly Dr Ford, helping out.

Prescriptions in hand and also codeine linctus on the list I went to Boots. All items preset and correct, aside from no codeine linctus. Oh well I'll try the pharmacy in Sainsbury's. The pharmacist said that this was only available through a prescription, as drug addicts often buy it for it opiate qualities. Mmn...I hadn't banked on this being quite so difficult! Bizarrely I was able to buy co-codamol which had more codeine in it than the linctus. So I had an option available. As it was after 6pm all of the smaller pharmacies were shut, so I knew it was a case of waiting for the morning to search for the linctus! 

Dinner that evening was the salad that I had planned to make Debbie for lunch, accompanied by some falafel and bourekia to ensure DW was full up. Given it was such a lovely evening, I decided it was time for a glass of wine!
Photo no.391 - dinner time!

Saturday 19th July

Song of the day (LH): Now we are free - Hans Zimmer & Lisa Gerrard
Song of the day (VW): Holiday - Madonna

Amazing, thank you co-codamol for the 10 hours sleep! 

My song choice for today reflected the fact that we were off on a much needed break! I was slightly anxious being away from home but it was only for 5 days. However, the packing list was huge...clothes, medicines, wig, scarves etc...I truly sympathise with people travelling with small children! It was so unbelievably hot and humid that packing had to be completed in stages. We had decided that we would have a leisurely day and then drive down late afternoon, to try and pick a pocket in the traffic. This planned seemed to work, as we had a traffic free journey filled with the homer-welinder soundtrack. I put this on shuffle and have to admit, it was a darn good couple of hours of music. Due to my lack of voice, DW was also content that there was no singing in the car! Just some seat dancing! 

We arrived at The Pig on the beach and it was absolutely stunning! 

Photo no.392 - a room with a view....

The weather was quite a few degrees cooler than at home and with no humidity either, it was a very welcome relief. It felt like we had gone to another country as being by the sea is just so relaxing and calming. We had arrived a bit later than planned, so it was soon dinner time! The Pig describes itself as a restaurant with rooms so a good dinner was to be expected!

Photo no.393 - this literally brought tears to my eyes...such a thoughtful gesture.

Photo no.394 - thanks Kim and Emily!xxx

Photo no.395 - the most stunning crab salad with pickled fennel

Photo no.396 - silver mullet with a black garlic sauce and deep fried courgette flower

Photo no.397 - a nice bottle of Spanish white!

Photo no.398 - the pig cheese board.

Tonight's dinner was probably one of the best I've had all year. The first two courses were simple amazing. The ethos of the Pig is that most the of fruit and veg is grown in their own kitchen garden and that all other elements have to come within a 25 mile radius of the hotel...clearly excluding wine! The only downside of tonight's dinner was that we were unable to have a conversation, as every time I tried to talk a coughing fit ensued. So much so that at the end of dinner when I asked for more water, I was brought a vat of honey and lemon. It was so welcome and really soothing. We must have a looked like a couple at war rather than two people who were having a fantastic dinner, conversation aside! Still small progress was being made and tomorrow is another day. The sea air must help!

Sunday 20th July

Song of the day (VW): Sinnerman - Nina Simone/ Felix da Housecat
Song of the day (LH): Use somebody - Kings of Leon

Breakfast at The Pig was my kind of breakfast. A huge table filled with lots of scrummy things...granola, muesli, croissants, rhubarb jam, the biggest blueberries I've ever seen, raspberries, strawberries...it was carb lovers delight! Over breakfast one of the waitresses came up to us and asked if we were Scandinavian, as she had seen our surname on the list. DW of course then replied in Swedish and it transpired that she was also Swedish, so over breakfast during our stay DW was able to converse in some svenska!

One of the best things about The Pig's location is that it's a short walk to 2 beaches. So our plan for the day walk, rest, eat, walk, rest, eat!


Photo no.399 - the holidaymakers! 

Photo no.400 - Studland bay - the boats were out.

Photo no.401 - DW in summer mode.

Photo no.402 - Old Harry Rocks

Just before this photo was taken, there was a french woman with her daughter who narrowly avoided being showered with seagull poop...the mother literally walked a metre in the right direction as the sh*t fell! 

Photo no.403 - Harry rocking again.

Photo no.404 - rest time...lounger check, Observer Food monthly check, sea view check!

Photo no.405 - the kitchen garden at the Pig.

Photo no.406 - the hobbit house in the kitchen garden...yep, you can stay there! Next time...

Photo no.407 - dipping my toes into the sea! It was fresh! 

This beach is Middle beach and during the day I can imagine it gets really busy, as it was absolutely beautiful. Plus is was a sandy beach, which is a rare thing on this coastline. The weather was absolutely perfect and made such a refreshing change to the heat wave of the past week.

Post beach walk, it was time to take advantage of the roll top bath and relax with some of the lovely toiletries that were provided. Along with a decaff nespresso...yep, there was a machine in the room. The only downside was that the bath was in the main room and whilst I wanted some relaxing bath time music on, DW wanted the TV on....we settled with him using subtitles!

Dinner time at The Pig take two!


Photo no.408 - braised veal tails with sundered tomatoes. Yum!

Photo no.409 - du vin!

Photo no.410 - my first taste of Huss - amazing but the hollandaise and potatoes were bland. : (  Aside from my starter, I was pining for my dinner from the previous evening as that had been so perfect! I guess this is the downside of eating in the same restaurant on consecutive nights.

Photo no.411 - tobacco onions...these were the dogs balearics!

Photo no.412 - chocolate mousse...

At the end of a good dinner, I don't often have dessert as I much prefer to just have petit four or a blimin good truffle. Sadly neither were an option so I opted for the chocolate mousse, which was ok. It came with raspberry sorbet which I gave to DW. The thought of eating it makes me still feel queasy, as it reminds me of the fruit lollies that I ate in vain during the early rounds of chemo hoping that it would help save my hair! 

Photo no.413 - DW's dessert option....an old fashioned with a cigar. One very happy man!

Photo no.414 - the master at work...

Photo no.415 - relaxing by the fire pit...DW cigar & old fashioned, VW a honey and lemon!

Another wonderful evening, though chat was still limited to the odd whisper sadly. 

Well week 19, what can I say. It's been a week of progress albeit still a fair way to go to be coughless and voiceful! This week has also provided a different mental shift for DW and I, which has been so gratefully received and needed. Here's hoping week 20 will be even better! Much love to you all.xxx