Chemo chronicles part deux!

Monday 31st March

Why hello! How have you been? Last week seems a lifetime ago, as this week (7th April) has flown by. Time to update you on chemo round 2. I'm feeling a little bit of writers block, so let's see how this goes......

Song of the day: Smile - Nat King Cole

Off to the PMH then.....no tears this time. I knew what to expect and as mentioned before just needed to suck it up and get on with it. I haphazardly applied some magic cream to my arm and not having the correct plaster to put over the top I resorted to the next best thing...cling film! I'm not convinced it applied enough or that the cling film was particularly effective as I definitely felt the 'sharp scratch' (standard lingo!). We arrived a little late and met Kim in reception. Lovely to have her there as always...then off up to oncology. This time I knew that it was going to be easier to gain access to my veins as the port was in my arm meaning no cannulas in my hand. Phew. Blood was taken and sent off to the lab to see if the chemo could be administered or not. This is the worst bit as you so want to the result to come back positive so that you know that the treatment will go ahead. Thankfully it was a yes! As I had lost quite a lot of hair during the previous week I wanted to try out different cold cap sizes. I had started with blue but this felt too big so settled on the next size down...new colour...red! This was a lot tighter than the blue one and it really pushed on my temples. It also had a horrible synthetic/ plasticy smell which was unpleasant. Still needs must! The first 15 minutes or so with this one were uncomfortable. So distraction techniques were required...Kim was good at chatting for distraction but she went to go and get me a hot chocolate...ok Daniel talk to me shoot....mmn he's not so good with on the spot small talk so thankfully Kim returned swiftly and conversation levels resumed. 

Photo no.82 - little red riding hood...someone's not looking to chipper!

Unlike the first time with the cold cap, I had thoughts going through my head of wanting to take this off but knowing that I should preserve. So that's exactly what I did. Bev was brilliant again, spending time answering my endless questions and Regina popped in to make me smile as well. I remember feeling more spaced out this time, but suspect that was probably due to something tightly squeezing my head for 3 hours!!!

Oh yep, just to add further insult to injury my period decided to make an appearance...thanks!

After the chemo had been administered Daniel took his usual requests and headed off to caffe nero.

Photo no.83 - tea and Little Miss S makes a happier V!

It has to be said not having the cannula in my hand made a real difference but as you saw from the photo above I still covered the line in my arm...don't need to see that! Around 3pm, it was nearly time to leave. My goodie back of anti nausea drugs came up from the pharmacy....wait a minute one of the drugs was missing...where's the Ondansetron?! Quite a few people had mentioned that this was one of the good ones so where's mine?! The other reason for asking was that I was keen to avoid taking the steroids as I felt strongly this had contributed to the foggy headness/ anxiety from round 1. Bev was on this quickly and on our way our we collected the Ondanestron, full compliment of cocktail ingredients and ready to go! Aside from feeling spaced out, I wasn't feeling too bad considering my does had been increased. Keep going....

We hugged and said goodbye to Kim and headed home. On arriving home we were greeted by my nurse for the week Mr Welinder snr! We sat down and wrote my meds schedule out for the next few days so it was just a check list. Time to hit the sofa until dinner. I was impressed with my appetite at dinner time. Charlie Bigham makes a mean readymade lasagne so this is what we all tucked into. 

Remembering that I had only had one episode of feeling really sick from round one, I doubled the dose of dom perignon (aka domperidone) and took some paracetamols to hopefully prevent the hangover headache the next day....success this seemed to do the trick, as I had a pretty decent night's sleep! Hurrah!

Tuesday 1st April

I pity the fool....

Song of the day.....2 options! Homer's choice - Right On: The Pasadena's. VW choice - Ignition: R Kelly (can I get a toot, toot!).

Wow! What a difference round 2 made. I felt good, thanks to the preventative measures I took the night before. Sure I felt slightly queasy but I knew I could deal with that. So goodbye steroids, you are not coming into my system this time round (suspect they might make an appearance when I switch drugs, so I planned to enjoy time without them!).

Photo no.83 - hair today, gone tomorrow.....

This was just from combing my hair through once with a wide tooth comb...scary doors. Daniel has been an absolutely angel and had stayed with me each time I needed to do stuff to my hair in the morning and evening. During this week, the largest amounts came out. It was constant in terms of clothes being covered with hair, waking up to hair all over my pillow. Operation hair clear up was 24/7.  Even at this stage though I was still able to go out and about without feeling the need for a wig/ scarf. It amazed me how much hair there had been on my head. Good job!

Nurse Lars ensured that the essentials were done...temperature taken..check...meds taken..check...rest...yes boss!

In the afternoon it was time for my mum to take me back to the PMH for my immunity boost jab....a stab in the stomach! Regina is still trying to get me to do this myself but aside from really not wanting to stick a needle in my stomach, I like the fact that I go in on day 2 to get some reassurance if needed. My mum commented on how much better she thought I was doing this time round on day 2....I actually felt pretty darn good apart from some queasiness. So much so that I was able to pop into Waitrose for some items and then head out with Lars for an hour's walk by the river. The weather was beautiful so it was brilliant to get out and take some exercise.

Photo no.84 - pre dinner cordial spritzer - hair not looking too bad...

Dinner that night was kindly provided by mama mcf, so it was nice to be able to put something homemade into the oven. I can thoroughly recommend this classic Waitrose recipe from 1994 for a midweek dinner.

Photo no.85 - Spicy Bacon & Beans - crusty bread also works well as an accompaniment.

Overall a good day 2 and I felt I had made significant progress from round 1. Time for bed...my throat felt a bit sore....surely not...tomorrow will be a good day!!!

Wednesday 2nd April

Song of the day: Fast Car - Tracy Chapman

Happy Birthday Emily!xxx

Overnight I had woken with a tight chest, killer sore throat and general achiness. Daniel had had a cold over the previous weekend, so it was inevitable that I was going to get it and boy did I! 

I was so frustrated that I had been whacked with something else, as chemo no.2 had been going so well. Ok, missy just ride the waves you know to write week 1 off. Still...grrr!!! A day on and off the sofa was required...I know rest, rest and lets throw a bit more rest in. After consulting with nurse Lars we concluded that a GP visit would be wise, so we took a walk there later in the afternoon. I have said so many times that I feel blessed with everyone and everything supporting me through this but I do have to say have to say that my GP surgery is amazing. This time I met Dr Hunter for the first time. She was incredible running through my list (got to love a list - well I do!) and giving me the reassurance of saying its ok to pop in whenever I felt I needed to....I find this unfamiliar as generally I have thankfully, rarely frequented medical establishments in the past. 

My hair felt really alien to me this week. It seemed that it didn't seem my own as the colour and texture were different. Perhaps I'm now coming out of Wonderland and now looking through the looking glass into a world where nothing quite makes sense anymore. 

One thing I am determined to do this year is Race for Life. I've done a couple in the past but this year running 5k is likely to be more of a challenge than it's been before. I emailed some of the lovely ladies at work to see if they would be interested in taking part....oh my what a response. I was completely bowled over with the support that came back. Amy Hill you are a legend in rallying the team and also for making me look ahead to my Natalie Portman c.2006 haircut! I cannot wait until 15th June to share a wonderful afternoon with everyone taking part and for the post race picnic with all of our loved ones. Big love.xxx

I can't quite remember what tipped me into tears just before bed on this day...probably something fairly small but for whatever reason I did. Actually, writing to you now is triggering what it was....I was hit with the fact that I'm actually quite ill. I know you all might think this is a rather delayed response but for whatever reason today was the day that this happened. I guess it was having the worst cold/flu and feeling generally run down that sparked this. Even writing this now, I do understand the severity of the illness (my back is aching from bone marrow being produced) but when I'm feeling good I'm lured back into a pre illness world, the world I want to be in permanently. The only reminder is looking in the mirror and feeling like a clown after show time. After snuggling with Daniel, I felt a whole heap better. Sometimes it's just good to let this out....breathe and get back to fighting form.

At the core I'm super positive about getting through this and hope you see and feel this. But in order for me to be true to myself and let you into the full experience, I want to show you the lows as well as the many highs. 

Photo no.86 - teary selfie...

Thursday 3rd April

Oh lordy, lord I feel dreadful......big croaky sigh. I had to try and feel better as Emily was coming over in the afternoon and I had been really looking forward to seeing her, as I hadn't seen for ages. So guess what..more sofa time. I called the Janes as well to see if there was anything else I could do to feel better but nope it was a case of paracetamol, rest and temperature monitoring. 

Although I still felt fairly tired when Emily arrived, I was getting back on track. So it was great to have an afternoon catching up with her and for her to tell me to rest while she worked. Yes mam! I think if I wrote my feelings about Emily on the blog she might kill me....but what I will say is that she's one of my closest friends who supports me during the highs and lows, she gives the best hugs and tries her darned hardest to fill Daniel up! Love you chicken.xxx

Photo no.87 - makeover time courtesy of Emily Wright. As you can see my hair at this stage was getting extremely thin...it makes me facial features look gigantic to me...clown  V!

Photo no.88 - hug time (and no I'm not taking this down Miss Wright)!

As a treat that evening, we decided to get takeaway burgers from The Crown in Bray. By the time they arrived Lars and I were ravenous and leapt on Daniel as soon as he walked through the door. The burgers were good but not worth the price tag, still fun to try. It was over dinner that I started to feel quite cold. My temperature was looking ok, so no need to worry. Around 22.30 I was shivering all over and could not get warm. Don't panic. I took my temperature an hour later and it had reached 37.5 degrees. Earlier that day Jane had said if my temperature was constantly 37.5 degrees for two hours or more and or it reached 38 degrees I needed to make a call to the hospital. So Daniel and I decided that I should take some paracetamol and review. We both were awake until 00.30 with my temperature still at 37.5 degrees. We decided to set an alarm for an hours time to review. I fell asleep and was woken by the alarm we had set. Bad times, my temperature had now risen to 38.1 degree....danger zone time. You're probably wondering why this is so dangerous. The reason is that my immune system is at an all time low, so any infection can take hold very quickly and temperature is a good indication of what's going on. In the case of infection I need to be treated asap so that it doesn't develop into anything worse. So what did we do. We kept extremely calm. It's at times like this I realise that we are a dream team (don't throw up!). Daniel called my oncologist's out of hours number and explained my symptoms. We were then told they would call us back with what to do. The phone rang...come in asap, we want to take blood tests and potentially start IV antibiotics. Scary times. We flagged that normally I go to the Princess Margaret for treatment rather than where the out of hours hospital is based. Ok, we'll call you back to let you know what you should do. Phone rings. This is Debbie from the Princess Margaret. Again, Daniel ran through my symptoms. Thankfully by this time by temperature had started to come down. Debbie's advise..more paracetamol and sleep. Mmn...this rather contradicts what the on call oncologist had advised. I had some antibiotics that I had previously been prescribed but not taken during round 1. Should I take these? Oh yes, that shouldn't do any harm. I was getting slightly annoyed so ended up talking to her as well. If my temperature hadn't been on the decrease then I would have challenged her more but as it had come down to 37.4 degrees, we decided to stay at home and go to PMH in the morning. During these few hours, I drank nearly 2 litres of water...hydration, hydration, hydration. Writing this in hindsight, I should have just gone straight to the hospital in Reading and this is what we'll now do. So around 4am we both finally went to sleep for the night. Thanks darling for being so amazing and calm throughout the whole thing. I love you.xxx

Friday 4th April

Song of the day: Something about you - Level 42

So what happened today? Well, a first in my relationship with Daniel....breakfast in bed. Yep, it took this much for it to happen! ; ) Actually I'm not a lover of breakfast in bed, more a cup of tea kind of girl but today this was very welcome. We both managed to get a bit of sleep and thankfully my temperature had come down to a normal level. However, we both felt we needed some reassurance after the conflicting advice in the night so we decided to call Jane and say that we wanted to come. I felt dreadful, so really wanted to have the once over to ensure we were doing all that we could. I got slowly got ready and we headed into PMH mid morning. 

Oh yeah, I should mention at this point what I had planned to do this morning was some gardening with my dad. I had been really looking forward to this, so was really annoyed that this had to be put on hold. C'est la vie!

On arriving at PMH we went straight to oncology, which was thankfully empty. Regina took really good care of us and we talked through all of the symptoms of the last 24 hours. I was then seen by a doctor who I'd not met before. Both her and Regina felt that I just had a bad cold and that I should keep taking the oral antibiotics. No comment was really made about the conflicting advice in the night. Towards the end of the conversation with the doctor she asked if I was happy with the advice given, which to all intent and purposes I was but the one thing I pushed for was a blood test. This would put both of our minds at ease. They were happy to do this, so at least it wasn't a battle to get it done. Regina is a complete angel when it comes to sticking needles in and without my magic cream I barely felt anything for the blood test...all good. She had someone watching how to take blood through a port and this nurse was really lovely and friendly, though I had feared that she was going to do it and be guided by Regina but thankfully this was not the case!!!

I felt up to doing my physio appointment so Regina said we could be her guest and stay in oncology while we were waiting for the appointment, we were even provided with some sandwiches. Result! At this point my mum came over to take over from Daniel, as for whatever reason he was keen to go to work. The physio session was good with Diana and we managed to snap some of the cords that were still present in my left armpit...it's such a strange sensation when it happens..literally it's like a guitar string snapping inside you. 

We went to pick up some food and though I was exhausted it was good to be able to do this and not feel reliant on others. Though my mum needs to register for quick check as it felt like an age to get her through Waitrose!!! Arriving back at home, my Dad had come over as well. We waved at him to get him to move his car so we could park but he started to mess around and pretend that he wasn't going to come....for whatever reason this caused me to blurt a few load expletives out in the car. My mum is amazing. She kept her calm and said don't get agitated, Dad was only joking...I think I had had just enough for one day and this just caused something in me to snap...lack of sleep, stress of working out what was going on with my body, wanting nothing more than just to relax on this sofa. Once out though I felt a million times better and more relaxed...so better out than pent up! Release and breathe!

I was greeted by a flower delivery box...this made my day! Thanks Sarah for such a lovely thought, it really did put a smile on face, particularly you message. Lots of love to you and we will eventually meet up! xxx


Photo no.89 - a beautiful bouquet from a gorgeous girl!

I gave my Dad an update and then headed upstairs for the much needed sofa time. I wanted to snooze but it just didn't happen, so after a while I headed downstairs and laid on the sun lounger while my mum read and my dad planted some chilli seeds for me (more to come fingers crossed!).

Daniel arrived home around 7pm and it transpired he'd not gone into work in the end...he just needed some time out on his own. Fair play, it had been an intense day. After a quick pizza dinner we both retired to the sofa and switched off with some Friday night TV.

Throughout the evening I had been monitoring my temperature...one could say slightly obsessively but hey it was just my time. Then a reading came shortly before bedtime that I did not want to see...38.2 degrees.....shit. What shall we do? Daniel was fantastic and reassured me to keep taking the paracetamol and try to relax. Had I been alone I think I may have made a call to a hospital but Daniel installed confidence to just take it easy and try and sleep....so that's exactly what we did.

Saturday 5th April

Song of the day: Get down Saturday night - Oliver Cheatham. This has to go on record as one of my favourite songs of the day....#homerpulleditoutofthebag and a happy birthday to you! xxx

Two words to describe today...sofa Saturday. Rest, rest and more rest...bizarrely I wasn't getting cabin fever so I must have been feeling pretty ropey or else I would have been climbing the walls. Another toast and raspberry jam breakfast in bed from my darling husband. 

That evening we were seeing Rob and Ces for dinner at their house. It was just what we needed, an evening with two wonderful people. I was feeling really self conscious about my hair. It was a bit greasy as I had applied lashings of argan oil to add some moisture so not a great start but I felt that I had lost quite a lot of hair even from Thursday, so this was the first time of publicly showing the current hair situation. Deep breath, it'll be ok. Walking to the car I could feel the wind blowing my hair and going directly to my scalp. To all you gents out there I really sympathise and to Rob's point his sympathy is limited with my hair loss as mine should be temporary...! Should be...lets hope so! We had a lovely relaxing dinner at Hamilton HQ. Ces and I coughing in unison drove the boys slightly crazy..what can you do. We headed home fairly early doors and went to bed for a good night's sleep with thankfully no temperature in sight.

Sunday 6th April

Song of the day (Lee Homer): Secret Garden - Bruce Springsteen
Song of the day (VW): Survivor - Destiny's Child (appropriate given the last few days)

Having a good night's sleep made the world of difference, it always does. Sure I still felt a bit washed out but I was definitely starting to feel better. Time to get on with some normal stuff...step one...buy food.

Remembering the cold headed feeling from the night before, I decided it was time to don the wig to keep my head warm to avoid any further chills being caught. Putting it on was quite a shock as there was a lot of hair compared to my now natural state, so the comparison felt humongous. I also felt nervous about this initial trip as partners in my local Waitrose recognise me so this would be a change of appearance, albeit for the better. So feeling pretty self conscious I got ready and went.

Photo no.90 - a nervous girl heads off to Waitrose for the first time in her wig.

So how was it? Better than anticipated but I felt that my peripheral vision was lost, as when wearing the wig you can't tuck the hair behind your ears. But overall...not a bad first outing. I know I've worn it in public before but that was when I had a full compliment of hair underneath, so this was different. The one bonus was that with less hair, the wig felt far more comfortable and I didn't have the feeling of needing to get it off as soon as possible. Always look for the silver linings.

Deciding that we should bimble around the house, I decided it was time to bake. Yep, you can tell I was feeling better as I didn't need to be glued to the sofa. For the past couple of days we had some fairly ripe bananas so I decided to make some banana bread. Not just any banana bread, the one that my grandmother used to make. Something that I have really fond memories from as a child. So much so that I've wanted the recipe for ages and it was only over Christmas last year that I asked my aunt for it. She kindly gave me a photocopy of the page but this meant more to me, so I decided to track down a copy of the book. It's called The Times Cookery Book by Katie Stewart and was first published in 1972. I learnt the reason for my grandmother buying this was when she was visiting some friends she wanted to make them Spaghetti Bolognese and didn't have a recipe with her, so she bought this book. My grandmother is one of the reasons I love cooking so much. She often baked, made the most amazing chutneys and pickles and every Sunday when I visited her, she would make me a perfect ham and chutney sandwich. Very fond memories. I managed to track down a copy in Canada and yes the postage cost more than the book but it was worth it. So here it is! All my love to my grandmother. xxx

Photo no.91 - baking time - wearing the wig: banana bread!

The other activity of the afternoon was having a much overdue catch up with Eoin. He's currently working hard in intensive care, so has made the call to stay away until he's finished this rotation. It was great to catch up with him and I can't wait to see him in May for joint birthday celebrations!

Of course, I had the responsibility to deliver a Sunday night dinner...so here it is!

Photo no.92 - Sunday night dinner...Bill Granger chicken curry.

The wig had to be taken off for curry cooking, as I didn't want it to smell like an Indian restaurant...taking it off my hair was looking not its best so I decided it was time for another first...wearing a bandana!

Photo no.93 - bandana time...first time. And the beer is non alcoholic before you ask!

So in summary, how did chemo round 2 go? I thanked my lucky stars that I had avoided the foggy head and anxiety attacks of round 1. So I'll be following the same regime regarding no oral steroids for round 3. It was frustrating that I had been hit with such a bad cough/ cold as otherwise I would have been back to normal much sooner. Still it was a good test to see how Daniel and I would react to an out of hours scenario. Overall, good job D&VW! As always my thanks and love to everyone who played their part during this week, it's through your enduring support that I am making the progress I am. So big love to you all! xxx

Week 3.....and I'm feeling good.

Monday 24th March

Following Saturday's pubic loss, today was the day that I first noticed hair coming out of my head. I washed my hair and saw some falling out...but to be honest, I hadn't washed my hair for a couple of days so I wasn't too surprised by this amount. The one brucie bonus is that my hair is nowhere near as greasy as it had been pre chemo, when I would wash it every day. It had started to become quite dry, so I decided to put on a deep conditioning treatment. I massaged this into my head and then ran my fingers through my hair and then 'Holy shit' that's not normal....I'm scared. As many of you know, the hair loss aspect of this situation is the one of the hardest for me. It's not vanity, it's sanity. Also, I've not felt ill from the disease, so in a bizarre way I don't want to look outwardly sick to others. Sure, I've got my armoury waiting in the wings in terms of the, no sorry my wig, headscarves etc. However, this won't protect me during the more private moments in the shower, in front of the mirror when cleaning my teeth, waking up in the morning. The other person I'm scared of this for is Daniel. I don't want him to see this...he will of course but I would give anything not for him not to. It makes me feel completely vulnerable and there's nothing I can do to control it or prevent it...well aside from the stuff that I'm doing with hair loss sprays and cold caps...but there's no guarantee and the chances are it will go. I'm strangely resigned to this, as well as wanting to fight it. Is it part of the complete breast cancer experience package? A necessary thing to go through. Who knows. As you can tell a real mixed bag of emotions.  

In the spirit of of sharing...here's some of what I found in the shower that day...

Photo no.70 - it's starting on top...

Taking a deep breath, it was time to get on with the day. No point dwelling! 

What a plonker! Daniel had driven into work this morning, so that he could get to the hospital quickly from London for my oncology appointment that afternoon. This meant I was going to work from home...all fine and dandy until I came down to the study to realise my laptop was happily nested on my desk at work...what to do...blog! Blog away! This was great as it's meant that I'm pretty much up to date. Blogging real time...whoop, whoop!

Having revealed my hand as a control freak, it won't surprise you that I went into the meeting with my oncologist with 3 pages of notes - sides effects, discussion topics etc. Yes, I'm a 'business' cancer patient...detach yourself and it's less emotional. You're discussing the cancer, not you. It's hard to describe but for whatever reason it makes it easier.

This meeting turned out to a positive session. Firstly, Dr Davis measured the tumour and it had shrunk from 3cmx3.5cm to 3cmx2.5cm. Result, the drugs do work Mr Ashcroft! Dr Davis also confirmed that I will more than likely have 6 sessions and not the 8 that had been muted. Result! Boom! We also discussed at length around the use of steroids and how to control them next time to try to mitigate some of the anxiety that had come out in round 1. Overall a really positive meeting...so a good news Monday!

After the meeting, we drove to my office for me to pick up said laptop. It always gives me a boost going in to see so many warm faces and receive a massive heap of encouragement. Arriving home, we both we feeling a sense of relief so decided to take a nap on the sofa. I remember thinking before the nap that I had left my laptop in the car...oh well go and get it later.........

Photo no.71 - stocking up on my vits!

Tuesday 25th March

Song of the day: You're makin me high - Toni Braxton

One thing I should say for this week, is that I've felt really good, 'normal' in fact. It's a strange treatment plan in terms of the three week cycle and how you feel each week. Again more hair was shed this morning, a sign that even though you're feeling good, there is something wrong as that hair should be on my head! Daniel's taken a really positive view to the hair loss, seeing it as a sign that the drugs are doing what they should be. I fully understand the logic and the sentiment but I'd rather it not be going anywhere!!!

Walking downstairs to start working, I suddenly realised that I had never retrieved my laptop from the car....plonker moment #2! I called Daniel to see how far away he was...Hyde Park Corner...mmn perhaps today won't be a working day afterall. Grrr!!!

Later that afternoon, my mum picked me up to take me to the hospital for what been dubbed a small procedure. My hands are pretty small and the medical team were concerned about the impact of the chemotherapy drugs on my veins. The suggestion was a port (basically a plug socket for the teams to take blood/ administer drugs, which is linked to a tube which goes into a vein) to be put into my arm into of my main veins. This would be mean that there would be no scrabbling around to try and find a vein in my hand and also reduced the risk of the smaller veins in my hand/ arm being aggravated by the drugs. Weighing up the benefits and risks, it was clear this was not really something to debate. Sure, I didn't want it but effectively I just had to suck it up. Due to the operation involving quite a few x-rays my mum wasn't allowed in the room, so the poor love had to wait outside. 

A familiar face greeted me, it was Carol who had assisted with the ultrasound on my spleen. Then another friendly face walked in and it was Kirsty who had done my MRI. I didn't like the look of this room...an operating theatre with an x-ray machine. I had my trusted magic cream with me, so Carol applied this. Why this is not standard for all adults I just don't know. Ok, I can hear you all saying, we're not all babies like you...who cares it reduces the pain factor! Carol ran through the procedure and then I asked the fated question...how long will it take? Usually 20-30 minutes. Ok, that sounds fine. Dr Naji then introduced himself and the procedure once more. Anymore questions, no, ok away we go.

I don't know what I had expected from this procedure but it turned out to be the worst medical aspect so far. I was covered in surgical drapes in a sterile room with someone next to me who was about to cut into my arm...I'm not a celebrity but I want to get the hell out of here...oh right that's not an option. Fine. Breathe and think happy thoughts, well that's easier said than done. It was clear Dr Naji was having problems getting the tube into a vein. One tried, lets try the next one. No, you don't want to play ball either. Give me a break, come on veins! It was extremely uncomfortable, local anaesthetic kept being administered but I could feels pushes and pulls...then oh my god!!! Dr Naji touched a nerve. My lower arm felt a huge electric shock...when will this be over. Two veins tried and no luck. Dr Naji asked if I had had surgery or injuries to my right arm but the answer is no, I've never had any problems. I tried to remain calm, breathe slowly and most importantly will my veins on. Third time lucky - bingo! There was a huge sense of relief from everyone in the room. I had been thinking about the what if they can't get it in...but they did. So rather than 30 minutes later, it was 1h 30 minutes. I was a bit frustrated as this felt like it had been an ordeal for me and there was no takeaway leaflet on the aftercare, aside from something similarish. I need things written down, to remind myself but also to let Daniel know what is and isn't right. My mum in the meantime had got through a good chunk of her book!

Getting in the car I felt teary. The lyrics from Bruce Springsteen's song Street of Philadelphia spring to mind...I was bruised and batter and I couldn't tell what I felt. I wanted to talk to Daniel but he had sent a text saying he had gone into a meeting. I tried calling anyway. Voicemail. He then called back and I burst into tears...it was terrible. I felt bad crying down the phone knowing he was an hour away but in this instance I had to let it out. My mum was brilliant and I really appreciated having her there, I just wanted Daniel. We drove home and actually by the time we got back I wasn't feeling as terrible. A cup of tea and a couple of biscuits later I had almost forgotten the trauma from the previous couple of hours. It's amazing that the brain works in this way...plus it's good it does or you'd never go back!!!

By the time Daniel arrived home, I was feeling a million times better. Onwards and upwards!

Photo no.72 - snuggle time on the sofa - feeling a little fragile.

Wednesday 26th March

Song of the day: Wifey - Next (yep, Homer's my R&B man!)

One of the things that has not really been discussed with my medical team is counselling and support for the emotional side of things. I decided to take this into my own hands and do something about it. Dr Ford had given me a leaflet for someone locally who specialises in meditation, yoga, counselling and CBT. I hadn't done anything with it, but mentioning it to a friend at work, the person turned out to be her yoga teacher who she thought was excellent. So I decided to book a session and it was for this morning. I've been really open with everyone about this disease but you do keep stuff in, mainly in my case to protect loved ones. As predicted my 90 minutes with Davinder turned into a tear fest. It felt good to let out inner most thoughts to someone who wouldn't react to them but just guide me to understand why I thought them or how I could deal with them. The ones about hair loss, I've written in the post for Monday 24th March and perhaps some of the others will come out along the way. I came out my session feeling exhausted. This I saw as a good sign and I also felt cleansed. Cleansed to let out some of the thoughts that I had been holding onto....I had passed them on.

Despite feeling tired, I was determined to haul ass and get into work. So that's exactly what I did and completed 3 hours of work. Daniel was out that evening and I had meant to be seeing Tom and Sonia but Tom was poorly so best to stay away! I'm trying to not be too anal about this type of thing so I'm using Daniel as my sense check. What he says goes! I had made a massive batch of tartar sauce on Sunday, so old lady dinner for me of fishcakes, peas and tartar sauce! I then face timed with Tom and Sonia as a good second best, which was great to catch up with these lovely people! We will see you soon, promise!xxx

Photo no.73 - selfie with Little Miss S!

Photo no.74 - reflective selfie with Little Miss S!

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Thursday 27th March

Song of the day (courtesy of Wonechen): One day like this - Elbow. I always think this would make a good song to walk down the aisle to. Maybe for our third wedding we'll try this!

Photo no.75 - what is this?!!!!

And there was much more....Daniel is truly the most wonderful person as soon as I touch or do anything to my hair, he's there to support me and pick up the many hairs that are making their escape. Naughty hairs!

Early start at work today...11.00am meeting, which I managed to be late for due to spending a while finding a parking space. The person I met is not important to the tale but the message is one that I find myself hearing over and over again...my problems (other person) are nowhere near as bad as yours (me). I understand the gravity of my illness but I still think your own worries are huge whatever the issue and we all deal with them in different ways. So to everyone out there, don't refrain from downloading on me. A problem shared is a problem halved. And to the person I met, I hope you've booked in a coffee with you know who! : )

I felt back on track today regarding work and had a great day. It was made all the better when Christian mentioned he had read my Sichuan prawn entry...so people are reading this. It's really lovely when I know. Plus Sichuan prawns are part of the recipe share club that predominantly consists of Christian, Debbie and myself...we need a catch up!!! 

At 5pm, it was time to go...I'd done a long day afterall! ; ) I drove over to Twyford to meet up with the one and only Rebecca Brookes.....no, not the ginger one, the very talented and caring Becky Brookes! It was fab to catch up with her, she's so full of life and laughter despite her cat's best efforts that day to put a dampener on things by puking in a few locations! It was short catch up over a peppermint tea (we'll have to do it again soon!) and it was time to head off home.

Daniel was out (again - I hear you say!) for dinner. It's good that he keeps doing normal things during my good weeks and make the most of things. Sure, I'd love him to be home all the time but that's not healthy and we both need our own space. This evening, I was cooking supper for Kim. Simple supper of asparagus, pesto, lemon (juice and zest) and spaghetti. It's probably not the healthiest supper but boy does it taste good! I also let Kim sample a Swedish drink called Svagdricka, literally weak drink. I absolutely love this stuff and we concluded the best way to describe it is a shandy made with coke and bitter. It sounds grim but is so good. 

Photo no.76 - modelling Svagdricka!

As always with Kim, we had a top evening full of chatter and laughter. We had planned to watch a movie (and often do) but it never happened, as we were catching up on the events of our respective weeks. I was also consulting her over my hair wash schedule...should I wash it on Friday to get benefit before chemo of 3 days or wash it Saturday to leave it another day....Friday was decided upon, so before heading to bed that night I doused my hair with conditioner. Apprehension was building as to what would happen.

Friday 28th March

Song of the day: I'm still standing - Elton John (boy did I need this to boost me). Though I do love Kim's song choice of My baby just cares for me - Nina Simone. The piano interlude allows time for a good amount of dancing!

Photo no.77 - output of hair wash.....well a snapshot

Looking at the photo now, it's a lot of hair but what I guess no photo can convey is the scare factor of when you're combing your hair and it just sheds. It doesn't hurt as the follicle has died. It's just simple unpleasant and terrifying as there's nothing you can do. Mr W was great and helped me clear up. He also did a sterling job washing my hair. Where the port had been inserted into my arm was covered in a bandage that I couldn't get wet for 4 days...so back to the good scenario of Daniel washing my back and in this instance my hair. It was horrid being sat in the bath being surrounded by hair but it was speedy wash and I was out. Clearing the plug hole was also grim. Still another thing done.

I planned to head into work after my physio session, so remarkably my laptop was actually at home (!) so I cracked on with some work....after I had some dancing in the kitchen time to cheer myself up. My neighbours must think I'm bonkers if they can see in.

The physio session was to try and get rid of the cording that has built up since my biopsy. It's been slightly frustrating as it's felt the same for a couple of week but today Diana's magic fingers managed to snap two of the cording strands...progess! After this and a brief chat with Bev about how the IV drip would work with the port and should it feel like this type questions, I headed into worked for a thoroughly productive afternoon. I felt the best I had in ages and my brain was operating at a higher capacity! Yay! I could have stayed for many hours but knowing I had to be in Chiswick for 7pm meant trying to leave at 5.30pm, which turned to 6.00pm and I finally got in the car at 6.20pm...this was going to go two ways, either I had timed it brilliantly and would fly down the M4 or I'd be stuck and super late...thankfully it was the former so I was fashionably only 10 minutes late. The journey flew by as I was good natter with the wonderful Laura Deutsch. It was the first time we've caught up since Lana was born and I had been 'poisoned' (ok, I know it's making me better!). So it was full of good chat. I only wish we loved closer to one another but we'll meet up soon for sure.

The Duke of Sussex is a lovely pub, opposite Acton Green. I discovered it when Emily and Kim lived two streets away and really like the atmosphere. We were meeting Stuart and Jasmin. Daniel worked with Stuart in Saudi Arabia and they've remained in touch ever since. We're absolutely delighted about Stuart and Jasmin's upcoming nuptials and are looking forward celebrating with them.

Photo no.78 - lobster paella...yum!

Around 10pm, I was hit with a wall of tiredness, lame on a Friday night it has to be said. Though that didn't stop me getting through an amazing Crema Catalana (citrus Creme Brûlée). We headed down the M4 and were home in under 30 minutes so a speedy journey. 

Photo no.79 - a tired lass but still a small smile even though I needed to hoover up hairs from the bathroom floor at midnight. Ah well. Good night!

Saturday 29th March

Song of the day: Beautiful day - U2

A day of fun with my favourite person...I slept ok but didn't have the much anticipated lie in that I was craving. I guess some of the apprehension of Monday was starting to kick in. Still up and at them. As my personal chef is not coming over next week, I needed to plan the meals to make Daniel's life a bit easier. So I dropped Daniel off at the gym and I carried onto Waitrose for a mega shop...I say mega shop as normally I only buy a couple of days at a time. I think shopping this way there's less waste and I only buy what we're definitely going to eat. But hey new circumstances mean change. After the shop, we got ready and headed up to London. The motorway gods were not kind as there had been a crash on the M4 which meant a lengthy diversion to the M40 and reduced our time on Regent Street. I wanted to head to Liberty to look at some headscarves. Thankfully once diverted our quest to Regent Street was swift and we had ample time to look at all of the beautiful scarves on offer. It's a definite must for any travellers to London!!! I ended up buying a beautiful pink peacock feather design with the endorsement of my man! Good times.

We then hurried back to the car, as Daniel was having his haircut...yep, you know the place. Apparently this is pre pre show cut...he's off to a big aviation show at the end of May and must look his best, to the point of planning haircuts in...bless! I understand that other colleagues are doing the same so this must be a big deal!

With some time on my hands, I took advantage and explored some shops in Putney. After Mr W had had his locks styled by Stephan, we took along the river. It was a beautiful evening as indeed the day had been. I love the riverside in Putney, it's such a wonderful mix with the river and the rowing clubs. There's a fantastic atmosphere and we love it. The dream would be to have one of the houses backing onto the river with a glass dining room on the back.......you can but dream!

On my travels around Putney, a shop was selling bubbles.....aha! Who doesn't love blowing bubbles? There was only one thing to do....blow!

Photo no.80 - never too old for blowing bubbles!

After our riverside promenade, we headed down the A3 to Surbiton to see Felicity and Neil for....no not pizza night.....Mexican night! Arriba!!! Nachos followed by an awesome chilli con carne, what's not to like! It was a truly fab evening (complete with a Zumba demo by me - I do miss it and will be back soon!), even though Neil was distraught by some of our song choices to listen to. As the clocks were springing forward, we made our way home at what felt like early doors but by the time we were in bed it was 2am (new time)! A great Saturday night, thanks to the Pattinson-Jones' for their warm hospitality and for Tink staying out of the way for most of the evening (she's a tiger!!!).


Sunday 30th March

Happy Mother's Day!

Homer's hit factory today recommends the appropriate Mama - Spice Girls

Despite the fairly late bed time, I was wide awake just after 8am. I tired my darnedest to get back to sleep but no chance! Grrr! So, I got up and blogged so that going into next week, I'm up to date! At last!!! The downside was that as I was writing, it seemed I was getting covered in more and more hair from not even moving that much. Sigh. 

I had woken up with a sniffly nose and sore throat. Daniel had mentioned the evening before that he thought he was coming down with a cold. Thankfully mine seemed to turn into hayfever but Daniel seems to have had a combo of both, poor thing. Fingers crossed he's feeling better soon and that my white cells hold up for tomorrow!

To celebrate Mother's Day we hosted brunch. My parents, Luke and Natalie came over. It was a good way to start the day and who doesn't like a pain aux raisin or a croissant with some Nutella (Natalie?!). Luke and Natalie both had been hard at work and brought some homemade cupcakes over, which were fab. It was good to all get together.

We then had the afternoon to ourselves, which was brilliant to relax on the terrace in the sun. It makes you feel so good to have the sun shining on your face. Needing to get some exercise in we headed off to Hambleden for a stroll along the Thames. We took a longer walk this time and it was utterly glorious. So here's my pic of the day!

Photo no.81 - in the field of gold...daffodils, my favourites (but has to be said not my favourite photo)!

So how am I feeling about tomorrow? 25% more drugs....ok, I did 75% before so that should be fine. How's it going to feel using the port line tomorrow? I don't know but at least I know there's a line into me and no one should be messing around with my hands. Winner! Is there any point in using the cold cap? I think so, at least I know I gave it my very best shot and as Daniel said earlier I should be rocking some fab short styles later this year...I don't want to but hey focus on the positives. I'm happy that Daniel and Kim are coming tomorrow. It will make it so much easier. Of course I'm apprehensive about the side effects but at least I know a bit more of how to handle them. I'm happy my chemo mentor is on his way. I've also got time planned in with my parents, which is great. Some gardening with my Dad at the end of the week, I bet he can't wait! ; )) I just hope and pray that the chemo fog does lift within the same timeframe as last time and that the anxiety feelings are minimised. And finally, I'm not going to beat myself up so much about the need for getting back on my feet asap (I'm listening Debbie!). Next week is recovery time. What I do feel is great love for everyone in my life and I wish you a very happy week ahead, kicking the start of April off!

Right...it's Sunday night...you know the score. Time for me and Mr W to have our dinner!!! Next time we chat, it will be the chemo chronicles part deux (I suspect with far less hair on my head)! xxx

A normal weekend....

Saturday 22nd March

Song of the day: Le Freak C'est Chic - Chic

The weekend....nice! I had been thinking about the length of my hair all week and decided that I need to cut the bottom off, so that there was less pressure on my follicles. Perhaps a little too late but nevertheless it felt like the right time. Daniel had emailed Stephan to let him know the reason for the visit. 

Before the haircut though, it was a reunion with the Achilli's for brunch at Tried & True. Daniel had bought Luca a gift...some Gino D'Acampo everyday oil....Luca hates Gino so it was a tongue in cheek gesture....Luca in turn had brought a gift with him...5 litres of Italia's finest olive oil! Bizarre we'd both ended up bringing oil as gifts! It was wonderful for the four of us to finally be together and catch up. Particularly important for the boys as they have an intrinsic bond, which neither Moira or I can fathom or be a part of! After a excellent brunch we headed down to Chez Stephan for the chop.....Daniel planned to stay with me and did for the initial phase but I was feeling comfortable with Benoit, so he headed off to get food for that evening. Doing a dry cut must be difficult for any hairdresser and also I didn't want to have a blow-dry so it was doubly difficult but I was really pleased with the results...see below.

Photo no.60 - haircut - argh my hair!!!

Photo no.61 - the results with the wonderful Benoit @ Chez Stephan

Feeling really good we then went to Casa Achilli to pick up the 5 litres of olive oil. At which point we got to meet for the first time the very smiley and happy Greta Achilli. Bellissimo! It was nap time in the Achilli household, so we headed off. We took a detour and drove through Richmond Park, wonderful even on a rainy Saturday.

Back at home, we had some well needed sofa time before we headed a couple of doors down to the Regans for calzone night! Oh yep, a new spin on pizza night. Glenn had impressively made the dough, Rachel the tomato sauce, so all we needed to do was assemble them with our preferred toppings....simple?!! Daniel stood back to observe as the three of us assembled our own...so you'd think he would have been the don of calzone making...I don't think the situation was helped with potentially the base being stuck to the work surface to begin with but here are some photos for you to appreciate the perseverance of 2 guys and a calzone..

Photo no.62 - we will get this onto the tray...

Photo no.63 - nearly.....

Photo no.64 - keep going!

Photo no.65 - one man and his 'calzone'.

Photo no.66 - I can't judge...mine ended up looking a burrito! Delicious regardless!

Photo no.67 - no trip to the Regans would be complete without some Maddie therapy.

We returned home full of good food and laughter. A great night as always. It was at this late hour though that I noticed some pubic hairs coming out...I promised to stay true and report the whole journey, so I have to write this as this signalled the start of hair loss. I pulled a few more and quickly realised that the whole lot would come out...best leave alone. The positive, no bikini waxes required...the negative...it's started. Breathe. There's nothing you can do. Go to bed and sleep. So that's what I did.

Sunday 23rd March

Mr Homer sent a killer tune this day - You do something to me - Paul Weller. I adore this song but couldn't bring myself to listen to it...listen to it if you haven't before. It's beautiful.

Photo no.68 - beautiful pear tree blossom, spring is definitely here.

Sunday consisted of bimbling around the house and getting loads of chores done. It's nice to do this once in a while...getting all the niggles you have around the house being done. It's boring but therapeutic and there's a good sense of satisfaction. Daniel wasn't feeling great today, so I left him to the sofa. I think he's exhausted from the constant-ness (can't think of a better word), perhaps incessant nature of our current situation. It must be hard to keep going at work and home. Still, as someone mentioned to me today, the number of chemo sessions can be counted on one hand...that's good. Really good...roll on 23rd June and the final session (fingers crossed, touch wood).

Needing some fresh air, we drove over to Hurley for a walk along the river. It was quiet as we got there around 5pm, so it was a beautiful walk along the Thames. Spring is a time of hope and you could feel it in the air.

Photo no.69 - chubby cheeks!

Returning home, I started to prepare dinner. Daniel and I have a ritual of Sunday night dinners. Don't bother asking to see us (unless it's an emergency!)....this is our time. Good food (my weekly pressure!!!), good wine (red only at the moment for me) and the two of us. Perfect. 

A snuggle on the sofa later and another week done. Well done D&V W!xxx

Mädle, toothbrush, Sichuan prawns, Get Welinder & Yautcha - week 2 continued!

Tuesday 18th March

Song of the day...Missing You - John Waite. Interesting choice from the Homer music factory but nevertheless a long lost 80s ballard. By the way, please feel free to send me song of the day ideas, all genres welcome!

Going into work this afternoon was much calmer as everyone had had the update, so I could try and focus on some work. Where to start was the question! Thankfully I had monitored emails even during chemo week, so this was in check. So as with most things in my life...I made a list. Gotta love a list! ; ) Feeling good, I stayed at work until 6pm...slowly getting back to normal.

That evening the legendary Leonie Cormack-Cook came over for dinner. We've grown up together and been there for each other through many different phases of life...from drunken teenage parties (details not to be given!), writing a column together at school (we didn't achieve any literary acclaim by talking about the relative benefits of various colours of fruit pastilles), 2 German exchanges (bwoarrr), staying close through university years, Sammy being born, Leonie's brief career as an Ann Summers rep, us both getting married (sadly not to each other ; ) !), Arthur being born...I could go on. I love you Wonechen and look forward to us growing older and recalling many of these tales together.

I may regret putting this next photo up but heck I've got nothing to lose!!! During 6th form, Winona Ryder sported an elf cut that unfortunately Leonie and I succumbed to by a hot hairdresser selling it to us....we should never ever have done it! To this day there are only two people who thought this looked any me, my grandmother and Eoin Harty. I guess this haircut may make a reappearance in a few months time on me but hopefully there will be better products available to pull it off!!!

Photo no.52 - Wickchen & Wonechen the early years....

Photo no.53 - Wickchen & Wonechen now - selfie style!

Wednesday 19th March

You gotta be - Desiree  - great for bopping to in the shower!!! That's right I used the word bopping...god shoot me now!

Not much to post for today, aside from the fact that I was still relishing that I had my mind back. There was a sample sale at work, which provided many goodies to help with some of the chemo side effects...not to be too graphic but laxatives, cystopurin, moisturing shower gels and face creams, cranberry juice and a pill box (you know the once which you put a week's worth in by the day am and pm!). I also felt like I was starting to get back into the swing of work.

One of the side effect that decided to rear it's head this week was a couple of mouth ulcers, annoying for any of us. So time for a toothbrush change...I've been using a Sensodyne soft brush for ages so there was only one place to go...the kids section! It has to be said I was disappointed with the options available but after lengthy consideration (!), I settled on this gem and very pleased with it I am!

Photo no.54 - is it a recorder, nope it's my new toothbrush!

Thursday 20th March

VW choice: You've got the love - Florence and the machine or equally good if not better Candi Staton's version....I love both but for real sing along I'll go for Flo but if you want to strut your stuff then Candi is your lady!

I'll let you in on a little secret...I hate the 20th of each month. Often it's a day when I feel things go wrong....this 20th however was pretty good!

Another afternoon done at work, good job! ; )

Dinner that night was Sichuan prawns, a great fast weeknight dinner! Also, a good one to pull out of the bag for dinners with friends if you're time pressured.

Photo no.55 - Sichuan prawns - Ken Hom style

Yep, that's right a glass of white wine as well. This was my second attempt at drinking white wine. Red wine tasted good, beer tasted good...but white wine...no you and I are still not tastebud friends. I was considering trying to persevere with it, you know when you 'train' yourself to like olives but in reality I can go back to this wine once my tastebuds are restored. I'll see you white wine in 16 weeks!

Friday 21st March

VW choice: Janet & Micheal Jackson - Scream. Really you need the video as well but the sentiment is there.

A trip to the physio this morning to see how the cording in my arm was doing. Frustratingly, it hadn't made much improvement from last week, Diana made me feel the cording (ergh....like guitar strings in your arm) so that I could start massaging it to try and release it...nice! More attention needed on this area. 

Then off to work...10.30 start, early doors! ; )) I stayed at work until 5pm, not bad going.

Arriving home there was an envelope from South Korea on my doormat. Initially I thought it might be for my neighbour, as she's from there but on a second look, it was for me! It was an incredible surprise from Mr Alex Busby, a handmade card...'Get Welinder'. Buzz, this was a wonderful welcome home that day, thank you so much and a trip to you is on the cards!

Photo no.56 - Get Welinder!

That evening Kim came over for dinner. Squid, potatoes and chilli were on offer that evening from V's kitchen, recipe from Hugh's Three Good Things. It's a simple dinner to make but one that everyone enjoys. Kim brought over some amazing desserts, see pics below! Thanks lovely!x

Quote of the day was Kim reminding us of Mary Poppin's wise words...'In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun!'. One to hold onto.

Overall a good Friday and a great start to the weekend!

Photo no.57 - Beautiful boxes, courtesy of the brilliant Kim...what's inside?

Photo no.58 - Oh yeah! Michellin starred desserts at home.

Photo no.59 - Happy Friday people...let's get cracking on the dessert!